I sat down last nite and told my wife the almost daily phone calls I see with the OM hurts and pains me and I cannot stand it any longer (he is an out of state co-worker, M, kids--they had previously met on business trips). She explained to me they need to discuss business issues...which is hard to believe considering all of the lies since D-Day October 11 '03. However, there are alot of problems with a few local clients/contracts and that is why he has been involved. I no longer have access to cell records but have been reviewing her call log.

She promised she is faithful, there is nothing going on, she will let me know each time they discuss business on the phone or are present at meetings. They will be at a conference the first week of February. She is not willing to do a "non-professional contact letter" since it is over between them. She tells me with promises she is committed to me and this M and will put forth effort to work on it...I said we need to absolutely get to MC which she has not gone to in the past. We discussed the concept of radical honesty and other issues that she has with me which she always throws my way when we discuss our R(typical guy stuff-I don't listen or respect her or support her with her career). She is an executive career woman who makes big bucks and does not need me from a financial standpoint. She travels alot during the year.

We had basically called it quits November 12 and then slowly started interacting again. There have been many lies which I will repeat here--but I told her I do not believe her now since she has proven to be untrustworthy she needs to show me in action she wants this to work.

I asked and she said she does want me, is attracted to me, likes to be with me, etc.

The last 5 weeks were actually very good, went on a few dates, visited her family for the holidays, were intimate, saw a few plays, dinners, etc. I brought these weeks up and she said she thought we were in recovery and celebrating holidays. I told her recovery means there is a plan, so what's the plan? We reviewed the promises, faithfulness, etc. I told her I need to see action on her part in order for me to believe her and I will end your R with him if you do not by exposing this A. She tried to tell me to not focus on this but try and address her concerns with our R (the listening/respect/support issues). She brings up a few examples and throws them at me.

I really was uncomfortable going into this but am hoping for some positive signs on her part. I doubt there will be much based upon her past inaction which says to me she is done with and so am I. I have a lawyer lined up...I cannot just stay in limbo land for another 3-4 months.

I made coffee this morning, kissed/hugged goodbye and wished her a good day and have not heard from her since.

Any thought or opinions??? Thanks!!

If you can afford it get a P.I. and get the evidence one way or another to make sure that she is faithful or unfaithful. Spending some money now to make sure that you are making the correct decision to stay or divorce would be, IMO, a wise investment.

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 07:51 PM: Message edited by: yosh ]</small>

Just thought I would follow up since there were not many responses.

We spoke on the phone late yesterday and made dinner together last nite. She was pleasant, we did not talk about R or anything serious, just had fun, couple of glasses of wine, had a few kisses and hugs, nothing more, she has not been feeling great lately. She went to bed early at 9PM, I kissed her goodnight when I came to bed. She woke up at 3AM and couldn't sleep, cleaned her office, came back to bed at 5:30PM and I asked her to snuggle which she did. She was acting cutesy and personal. I wanted more but knew it was not the right time.

She called a few minutes ago and spoke about this evening, we are planning on getting a quick dinner out together. She is feeling better today.

Nothing so far discussed on her part about us or OM or MC.

I did a typo in my original post....I did not list all of the lies from the past but here but there were many. Supposedly she had only been with the OM once but I know otherwise from friends. These typically occurred on out of state trips but one or two were within a 100 mile radius of our home when he came to work here on business.

We shall see....any comments? I feel like this is all up to me. Effort means effort on her part. It takes 2 to make this work.

When luring a wayward spouse back, initially all the effort is on your part. It takes way beyond the normal effort. If you need to do X to sustain your marriage, you need to do X to 4 power to kick-start recovery.

That said, you do not need to be a doormat. Show her that you are working on the listening, respect, etc. issues, and also request that she create circumstances in which you can feel at ease.

Any possibility of you going along to the conference? I would consider that a good idea. It'll put your mind at ease and send the clearest message possible to other man that your wife is interested in saving her marriage, and not rekindling her previous affair.

This is a national mtg. for her firm....I would burn the rest of my vacation days from work....and would need to explain to her my need to go....but I probably could. Not really sure if I want to or feel it's worth it since I feel like the ball is in her court now.

I have tried to minimize the LB and have tried not to be a doormat (although have felt like this many times)...previous discussions all became heated, who hurt who more, etc...I actually mentioned to her and another couple looking for marriage advice on Saturday to "not avoid conflict"....I said the same thing to her on Monday nite, I do not want to avoid conflict although I am not looking for it. Overall discussion went pretty good, she even said "you want to understand me so blah, blah, etc. She did explain the lovemking (which I want more of) is keyed into her issues with respect/appreciation....we were not intimate for 7 weeks...and then on 12/21 were and also a week later...but nothing since then except hand holding, hugs, few kisses, etc. Her time of the month passed this weekend...so, it's been 2.5 weeks.

I have been trying to show her a different side of me since September and meet her EN...not that I am sure of her exact needs since we never did the questionnaires.

I am at the point of looking at her underwear and considering getting a black light so I can scan when she returns from her trip. Crazy, huh?

Any others?

She is a career girl and obvious her M is not a priority. I'm sorry for you - you deserve better. She is playing a power play with you. Are you in Plan A? I suggest calling her bluff in this fashion - use your vacation days and go to that conference with her with NC letter in hand. If she hesitates or hedges you have major problems. Her mind is on herself, her wants, her needs, her self-sufficiency. I know the truth hurts but I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I feel nothing but compassion for you.

She most definitely is....we relocated to where we are at 8.5 years ago and it was a rags to riches story for her (and us). She makes ~100k more than I do, company car (new one in a few months), is due to win a trip to Acapulco in April, works out of the house, travels alot, etc. She has thrown this entire A on my shoulders and has shown some remorse but very little....it was never "please give me a chance, I value us", etc.

The M is not a priority and her infidelity has just about killed it....I have been most saintly through this but am just about done.

It kills me....I found a water bottle that had sand in it awhile ago...never put 2/2 together till this morning, but the OM won a trip last year to Bermuda...and wrote her a love poem that mentioned sand, which I have a copy of....and the bottle comes from the Spa at the hotel he stayed at!!! She still keeps this, geez...but I guess I am giving this one more shot....I brought home various MC information last nite...asked if she had looked into this yet and she had not and left the material with her.....I am ready to file unless I see some change but will wait till she receives her big bonus so I can get at this.

Pretty hopeless at this point. I guess she is able to live this dual life somehow and not go and file herself. I actually thought things were better.

So, Plan B? or just exit stage left in April when we get the $?