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Joined: Oct 2001
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Okay, I grew up in a home with a emotionally distant father and have always gravitated toward that kind of man. I don't want that kind of man anymore, not that there is anything WRONG with that. However, I want someone who I can share with and who will share with me...and not be closed off emotionally.

So here's the dilemna: I am not exactly attracted to men who put there emotions right out there or are too up front....I always think they are flirting and my mind immediately goes to "what if we became a couple and he did this with other women?"

Stupid, huh? Eye-yi-yi! Any advice on how to stop thinking this and to tell the difference between a "flirt" and a genuinely open person?

Thanks.

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Ms.O,

Has it crossed your mind that a quiet man may NOT be emotionally distant, and more that you like the "stability" a man that doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve brings??

Ms.O sharing is a LEARNED ability and men can learn it IF they feel safe. You would be amazed at how men learn to be emotionally closed and most of it is from women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Men are often willing to be open, if all of the woman's friend don't get to hear about it. They will be open if their words are NOT thrown back in their face. They will be open if what they have to say doesn't turn into high drama and tears.

Frankly, I learned to keep my mouth shut and say little from my sisters and mother. NOT my Dad who would seem to be quit distant but was an extraordinary people person when he felt the need or safe.

So, if you meet a man you are interested in and he seems distant, start subtly working on him and show him you can be trusted to listen to him and not tell, analyze or break into tears. You might be surprised, you can open him up.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>... sharing is a LEARNED ability and men can learn it IF they feel safe. You would be amazed at how men learn to be emotionally closed and most of it is from women.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ain't that the truth!

Part of the problem I ran into with the woman I've been dating over the past few months is the "closed" sign on my emotional door, so to speak.

Based on past experience, I've got a good reason to keep it closed, and it will take a good bit of work to open it for business again!

That said, I still like to flirt. To me, being a flirt isn't always about being emotionally open. It is more like a facade we put on to hide what we're really feeling. In that sense, a flirt can be MORE emotionally closed off than one of the "quiet ones."

And I think it is also important to keep in mind that flirting is, after all, just flirting.


Ms. O, you asked:

"what if we became a couple and he did this with other women?"

Well, then you're a couple, and if he'd been doing that before you became a couple, you'd have to accept it as part of his personality...as long as you both knew the boundaries.

I learned about this when I was dating a stripper. I went to the place where she worked, and watched her flirting with just about everyone! I was okay with it because I knew she was leaving the club with ME. It was part of her personality to be open and flirty and physical and sexual and that was a big part of what was attractive about her.

She also had very clear boundaries between what was "flirtation" and what was real, and I knew where those boundaries were, and accepted it.

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Mrs. O, have you read Dr. Collin’s book Emotional Unavailability? This may help you get a clearer understanding of the signs of emotional unavailability vs. emotional availability. This may also help weed out the wheat from the shaft.

When I was dating, it was my experience that you couldn’t tell who was open and emotionally in touch for several dates. So don’t be afraid to give a man a chance. A date is just that and nothing more. A fun chance to get to know each other and see if there are possibilities.

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Ms. O,

Two different experiences relating to your situation. First...I dated one guy who was very shy most of the time yet once I got to know him and we were alone, he had a pretty good personality and wasn't so shy with just me. I don't know exactly how it happened, but one day overnight, he switched over into being totally infatuated with me. He was SO emotional and SO honest it scared me. I almost wondered if that was how I looked to guys when I had dated previously!! Anyway, I tried to slow things down and the more distant I tried to get, the closer he would pull to me. It got to the point he was SO in touch with his feelings I got turned off. I started feeling like I was in this role reversal and I was becoming emotionally distant with everyone around me! Even after I broke it off, every few months he'd pop up on email and I still can't believe how different he was than in the beginning. But that gave me a view of it from a different angle.

Second experience, I dated someone who was emotionally distant, yet I liked him. We had our moments where we clicked for sure. I wound up getting frustrated with his distant ways and I stopped seeing him. Fast forward a year later, we started dating again, and I didn't expect much at first, mostly we were just friends. Then it happened. He opened up. And it turned out the reason he was distant the first time is that he was still hung up on a girl who cheated on him. Now he never told me that the first time around, I knew the situation but he explained it in a way as if he really was over it or didn't care. As time went on, I could then see that he was "into" me and another year and a half later, we are now married. It's going on 16 months.

Of course, I know him so well now and we are very connected and it's to the point we know what the other is thinking.

It boggles my mind to think of how we started off and how I got bored with him and back then I didn't really have a clue he was hung up on someone still.

I would say it took dating about 4 months again the second time before I really compared the differences and asked him what was up.

Of course, both experiences put together, showed me how it looks on the other end to be "too" open, you almost appear clingy or needy. And although guys aren't completely open too early on in the dating relationship, the relationship that started back as FRIENDS only with no clue whatsoever it could be more, was so much more laid back, that it blossomed on it's own.

I'd say you definetly need to be friends first, and if not that you developed a solid friendship, go very very slow when you start seeing someone.

Define your boundaries to yourself and don't compromise them. Don't get closer to anyone or give more to them then you feel coming back to you and guard your heart! It's scary out there!

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Ms.O,

I am a guy. Take it easy ... it just a date to know each other better ... it is not that you have to marry the guy. "window shopping" as much as you can to weed out the unavailable one and find the available one.

How to tell if it is a flirt ? ... let time tells you. Date the guy longer and see if it is only a flirt. Most people can't put a facade for very long time.

Good luck. -rh-

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 05:27 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>


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