Oh, I swear--I get so frustrated with my exH sometimes! It shouldn't surprise me anymore that he's 100% self-centered, but somehow, since I'm not, it always does.

My YD is going on an out-of-town field trip for three days. While she is gone, my exH is leaving on a business trip that's going to last about two weeks. He will miss all his weekly visits with her THIS week (because of her field trip), NEXT week (because of his business trip) and the week after that! Now, does he think of his YD and realize that he basically will not be seeing her this month...or suggest that she spend some time with him tonight?

NO!!! You won't believe it!!!

HE'S PLAYING POKER!!!

Poker!! Can you believe it?? It's like it doesn't even dawn on him the harm that he does to people.

Soooo...are ex's emotionally retarded, or is it just me??


CJ

CJ,

it's his choice--my ex is the same way--and that's his choice--

That's who they are--and the life they choose for themselves--they don't realize anything..because they don't feel the hurt--

But one day--when they are older and want to spend time w/ the kids--they won't have time for them--

Remember the song Cat's in Cradle??

It reminds me of that--

You know as a father who is facing a divorce I don't want I have another view.

My wife is preventing me from seeing my child everyday, and then on top of that, I will have to schedule my life around what is convenient for her and the court so I can see my daughter.

So unless you let your ex husband have your children anytime he wants them, don't complain about him living his own life. One or both of you decided that you wanted the divorce. If you left him and have custody of the children, IMO you took his kids away from him, kids he should be able to see every day.

As you can tell I'm a bit worked up about this. My wife moved out 1 Oct, and tells me I "should be happy" with the time I do get to spend with her, that is "should be enough"

So does that mean I get to tell her what she should be happy with?

I guess not.

Unless you were being beaten by the man, divorcing a childs father is also a self-centered act. Of course this comes from a man whose wife things this MB stuff is a bunch of crap and will not go to counselling with me because she doesn't want someone else to tell her she is wrong.

My toast is a bit burnt tonight,

Tony

"Unless you were being beaten by the man, divorcing a childs father is also a self-centered act."

She was.

Read up on people whose history you may not know before posting java. It is much safer that way...because then you would have read that CJ's X can see the children most any time he wants, and you wouldn't have had to have that rant. A LOT of the women here have men who do not want to see the kids. Mine does, but when something better comes along, well, he cancels. That has nothing to do with me. And also, our visiting times were sugested by HIM, not me, I agreed to them, but he doesn't stick to them. Just though I'd let you know the flip side.

CJ, as with my X, they just don't get it, they really don't. It IS his choice to do this, and if it is hurting your daughter, at least you know she will talk to you about it, and you will reply in a loving way.

Love and light,

Jacky

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nina too:
<strong> "Unless you were being beaten by the man, divorcing a childs father is also a self-centered act."

She was.

Read up on people whose history you may not know before posting java. It is much safer that way...because then you would have read that CJ's X can see the children most any time he wants, and you wouldn't have had to have that rant. A LOT of the women here have men who do not want to see the kids. Mine does, but when something better comes along, well, he cancels. That has nothing to do with me. And also, our visiting times were sugested by HIM, not me, I agreed to them, but he doesn't stick to them. Just though I'd let you know the flip side.

CJ, as with my X, they just don't get it, they really don't. It IS his choice to do this, and if it is hurting your daughter, at least you know she will talk to you about it, and you will reply in a loving way.

Love and light,

Jacky </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jacky,

I stated my "chip on the shoulder" up front. And as you state, she was beaten ( and no woman or man for that matter deserves such abuse )

As someone who is faced with the prospect of being the "Ex" I don't look forward to the thinly veiled stereotype that Ex Husbands are selfish, emotionally retarded, etc.

I take exception with the title, well unless she is also saying that she is emotionally retarded as well. Afterall, she too is an ex, and reading between the lines, it seems not necessarily because she wanted to be.

So, there are all sorts of caveats here, and I never said she was self centered, but I do believe that divorce is in many cases a very self centered act.

Not in all cases, but certainly in many.

Again, my bias is my wife decided on 9/6 that she was unhappy and wanted to move out. Moved out and took our children on 10/1, I found out about her affair on 11/17 and she thinks she can never be happy with me, but refuses to go to any sort of counselling, coaching, etc to verify that, understands that this will hurt our children, but has seen a lawyer about divorce.

So from my POV, divorce is selfish.

We all have a story and a background. Just because each of us see things from a different perspective doesn't have to make either of us wrong, just different.

Tony

Thanks for clarifying Jacky.\


Issue here is "Are WS Emotionally Retarded?"

I say that they are. They cannot feel and lose the ability to process emotions of others because they're all wrapped up in the "It's all about me life"...And us? Well, I think since we're the ones doing all the reading, trying, etc that we might be even a little more sensitive to their idiot behaviors...

But I see it from a more psychological approach..They PURPOSELY ignore and put up barriers around themselves so they ARE NOT ABLE to feel or see or understand ANYTHING THAT IS NOT IN LINE WITH THEIR DESIRES OR NEEDS IN THE WAYWARD SENSE. All about justifications and lies and making lies into truth. And who and how could somebody do that? Ignore the truth. Pretend the truth just does not exist. Plus it eliminates little petty stuff like guilt or shame. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Nope. They're definitely retarded, dyslexic, anal, pompous, whatever you want to name them.
It is NOT you.
JMHO. Harold

Actually, i wouldn't say retarded, I would say they are very VERY clever. Think of all the lies they have to keep in check, the plans they have to make so they can live double lives, the barriers they must be expert at setting up or they WILL feel the pain of others whom they hurt along the way.

No, I'd say that takes brain power. Maybe the question should be are they nuts, cos yes they are, but sub intelligent? I don't think so.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

NinaToo! hey we're online same time - geez it must be late over there in 'didge-land' - or is it early?
Just to say 'Hi!' to ya and glad you're doing OK.
Harold/MaXX

I also agree that my X is retarded, I think many of us would agree, regardless of the X's sex.

Regarding JSC's quote below
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife is preventing me from seeing my child everyday, and then on top of that, I will have to schedule my life around what is convenient for her and the court so I can see my daughter.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've often wondered how X thinks of things. This is a good look into his mind. I am not taking my girls away from X, this is the parenting schedule recommended by a psychologist. He is not scheduling his life around mine - but should see the girls when he has the opportunity. In my case, X says he needs more time with the girls, yet when I ask if he wants more time over school holidays, MLK day & president's day, he ignores my question.
JSC, could it be that he thinks taking the girls would be helping me? I don't think of it that way, but why would he complain, then not take advantage of more time with his children? Please answer this.

Just another thought... our x's probably think we're brain dead as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong> I also agree that my X is retarded, I think many of us would agree, regardless of the X's sex.

Regarding JSC's quote below
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife is preventing me from seeing my child everyday, and then on top of that, I will have to schedule my life around what is convenient for her and the court so I can see my daughter.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've often wondered how X thinks of things. This is a good look into his mind. I am not taking my girls away from X, this is the parenting schedule recommended by a psychologist. He is not scheduling his life around mine - but should see the girls when he has the opportunity. In my case, X says he needs more time with the girls, yet when I ask if he wants more time over school holidays, MLK day & president's day, he ignores my question.
JSC, could it be that he thinks taking the girls would be helping me? I don't think of it that way, but why would he complain, then not take advantage of more time with his children? Please answer this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not sure I'm a fair comparison to your Ex, as I still hope and pray that my wife will consider reconcilliation.

But if it were me, if I'm not seeing my daughter everyday then it isn't enough, period.

That doesn't mean I don't want to take trips, have work obligations, but I really can't even call her. At least when things were so messed up and I was on a work or fun trip. (WW decided she didn't want to do the same things I did anymore, but never said she didn't want me to go. If she was upset about my car club/autocross trips, she didn't say anything about it, and I'm not yet a mind reader.)

I can't put a cogent thought together right now, this upsets me so and I've not had enough sleep. (this is my on-call week)

Tony

My Ex always hate that song (Cat's in the Cradle) He would always turn it off! BUT....seems to be the life he has chosen for his family. It's OK though..for him..he is starting again with a new family. OW is young enough to be his daughter and she has a 6YO daughter, and she wants more. So he screwed up the first family, he gets to try again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong> You know as a father who is facing a divorce I don't want I have another view.

My wife is preventing me from seeing my child everyday, and then on top of that, I will have to schedule my life around what is convenient for her and the court so I can see my daughter.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OOOOO--Java, I am mildly upset about this!! I understand that you've been hurt and miss your children and want to spend more time with them, and I also understand that you are responding out of your own hurt vs. my post, but that is NOT (and never has been) my situation AT ALL!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So unless you let your ex husband have your children anytime he wants them, don't complain about him living his own life. One or both of you decided that you wanted the divorce. If you left him and have custody of the children, IMO you took his kids away from him, kids he should be able to see every day.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, in fact, my exH CAN have his children any time he wants--he just doesn't want them. He left me and them TWICE for more than six months with no contact and no financial assistance so he could live with different other women. Despite the way he has behaved, AND despite his serious mental illness and addictions, I purposed moved 3 miles away from him so that he could see his kids any time he gets a wild hair to see them. HE LEFT ME. I WORKED FOR THREE YEARS AND 13 AFFAIRS to repair our marriage, and HE was the one who decided that his email whores were more valuable to him than his wife and children. Still, despite all this, I recognize that children need their fathers and they need him DAILY. No, Java, I did not decide to be divorced, it was FORCED on me, and my kids and I have had to survive with no father/husband.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Unless you were being beaten by the man, divorcing a childs father is also a self-centered act. Of course this comes from a man whose wife things this MB stuff is a bunch of crap and will not go to counselling with me because she doesn't want someone else to tell her she is wrong.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, as Jackie informed you, I WAS] being beaten by the man! And when I got wise enough to not take it from him anymore, he left. PUHLEEZE do not yell at me about being self-centered. I did not divorce the man. HE was self-centered, and HE chose his sexual freedom over his commitments, and HE LEFT US. Like your wife, he thought MB was "psychobabble" because it did not support that he had the right to do whatever he wanted.

Tony, I like ya and I know you're hurting, but please don't take out your pain on me. I didn't leave you. Like you, I was LEFT. And I specifically said "Ex's" not exH's because the exW's who leave are just as emotionally retarded. Also, I chose "emotionally retarded" because it's like they have low EQ!! They may be smart as whips and have IQs in the 200's, but emotionally they have NO CLUE of the emotional damage they are doing!

Mildly steamed,


CJ

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 11:11 AM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

CJ,

I guess I just read it differently, and of course I was ignorant of your marital issues. Again, I'm sorry that you had to suffer such abuse, and yes I can somewhat empathise, but cannot imagine striking another person out of anger.

I think the suggestion was made by someone else that perhaps a more accurate title would be:

Are WS's Emotionally Retarded...

Or perhaps, to keep it more personal so others can't interpret it another way:

Is MY Ex Emotionally Retarded...

I meant nothing personal, and with my qualifier, I don't think my belief about divorce being a selfish act if there is no abuse should not be taken as an accusation if it doesn't apply.

My WW tells me I'm a terrible husband and horrible father, but that doesn't mean I have to believe her.

Tony

My Dear Friend, CJ, I know this has nothing to do with your post, but I did get your email and I am going to reply.....why I have not so far is a long story.

I am praying for you,


A

I fully admit Java that my divorce is selfish. I’m doing it so I can finally have peace and contentment in my life. I went to counseling on my own for over a year because he refused. I followed Plan A for almost two years. I tried to just accept that that’s the way my marriage was, and I’d have to live with it at least until the girls were in college. And then I was forced to face the reality of ME. If I stayed in that situation I’d need anti-depressants, I’d probably have an affair, and I may end up trying to kill him or myself. None of these outcomes was acceptable to me. So, I separated and later filed.

And I also agree with your point and Lyxa’s. I know my STBX thinks I’m emotionally retarded, immature and selfish.

But, I'd say no ex-spouses are not emotionally retarded as a whole. Some are, more aren't.

My WH isn't emotionally retarded. He's emotionally constipated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I've also strongly considered the possibility of a very serious closed head injury.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Soooo...are ex's emotionally retarded, or is it just me?? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All those in favor say, "Aye!"


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


AYE!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Not My Will, But Thy Will Be Done:
<strong> My Dear Friend, CJ, I know this has nothing to do with your post, but I did get your email and I am going to reply.....why I have not so far is a long story.

I am praying for you,


A </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A,

Thank you for responding. I look forward to your reply, but know in the meantime that you are always held in my thoughts and prayers. (((((HUGS))))) Maybe one more: (((((HUGS)))))


CJ