So I don't threadjack the previous thread, I'd like your opinion on my comments below.

I also agree that my X is retarded, I think many of us would agree, regardless of the X's sex.

Regarding JSC's quote below
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife is preventing me from seeing my child everyday, and then on top of that, I will have to schedule my life around what is convenient for her and the court so I can see my daughter.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've often wondered how X thinks of things. This is a good look into his mind. I am not taking my girls away from X, this is the parenting schedule recommended by a psychologist. He is not scheduling his life around mine - but should see the girls when he has the opportunity. In my case, X says he needs more time with the girls, yet when I ask if he wants more time over school holidays, MLK day & president's day, he ignores my question.
JSC, could it be that he thinks taking the girls would be helping me? I don't think of it that way, but why would he complain, then not take advantage of more time with his children? Please answer this.

And JSC, emotional abuse is difficult to live with also.

Sorry,

I missed this before. This is my oncall week, and I've already worked 80 hours and it's Friday morning. Only four more days to go this week. (Because of the MLK holiday, it is an 8 day on call week, eek)

I can't answer for your exH, so I don't know why his words and deeds are not consistent, you have to ask him that.

However, I suspect that he doesn't feel they are inconsistent.

Please don't get me started on emotional abuse. I do believe my wife thinks she was emotionally abused, that my strong personality was interpreted by her as an attempt to control.

To me, I never tried to control her, I would simply share what I would do or wanted to do. She always has the right to choose. She has said she doesn't feel she can have a different opinion than I do because I'm so persuasive and my reasoning is so compelling.

So it's my fault that I have opinions, and can support them with logic.

In no way did that ever mean I didn't value her opinions, but she thinks that, so I'm probably labelled an "abuser" or selfish because she cannot hold on to her opinions and beliefs around me.

Never mind that I'm willing to work on me, so I don't "steal" her identity from her, she simply wants to run away and take the children with her. Just at the time when I finally learn what it is that drives her away, she tells me that she just feels pain when she sees me etc.

Sorry this turned into a vent, but the whole idea of emotional abuse is also a hard argumement for me to take, because of folks like Patricia Evans (I've read her book on Controlling People) and what seems to be her view that men are controlling women and you need to flee that instead of working on it. You have to flee the "controller" instead of addressing why you are so easy to feel controlled. Especially since, I believe in my case, I never wanted to control her, etc.

So I feel I'm unfairly labeled a controller simply because I have opinions and can provide the rationale for those opinions.

Again, sorry for the rant, it pushed a button. Please don't take it personally.

Tony

JC, I know you are not my X, but if you could give me insight, I'd really appreciate it.
If someone states they need more time with the kids - and told the judge they had a flexible work schedule, why would they refuse to take the children on days off school?
Or keep them overnight on my business trips, which means the children stay with "strangers" (his words).

I struggle to understand this.

Regarding your comment below.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She always has the right to choose. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My X would say that I was controlling, but now I see the I would take care of things when he didn't. But now I also see that his refusing to make a choice - was his choice. He could always blame me.

I also understand that most of us who found ourselves in EAbuse situations can trace issues back to our FOO.
Reading PE's books helped me to understand, and another friend on this board and I have discussed the Abuse mentality.

I can't answer for your wife, but I hope you are able to see your children as much as possible. And please, don't think of extra time as benefiting your X, really put the children first.
I really try to operate in their best interest, and am saddened when I see that X won't.
(in my case, x wasn't an involved father before but believed he was)

Tony, I agree with a lot of what you say about emotional abuse. Although I do believe emotional abuse occurs, I don’t think anytime someone encroaches on another’s boundaries it rises to the level of abuse.

One of the reasons I filed for divorce is I don’t want to have to spend all my energy defending my boundaries. My personality and values are such that I want to please other people, I state my boundaries gently so as not to hurt the other person. I’m not an aggressive person. The best I can do is become a little more assertive.

My STBX chose for years to ignore my pleas to respect this boundary or that boundary. And if I defended my boundaries, would not allow him to manipulate me into something he wanted but I didn’t, he got furious and withdrew.

Now, he finally says he wants to work on the relationship but I see no real change from him. I say I need you to get your stuff out of the basement and move the phone out of our house. He agrees and does nothing. I see no evidence that I wouldn’t have to expend tons of energy stopping behaviors I find intolerable. I don’t want to work that hard just to not be miserable.

I don’t call it abuse. I call it sheer incompatibility.

Newly,

I really CANNOT speak for your husband, but I can tell you how I feel.

I don't feel my wife has been on my team for the past few years. The whole divorce things confirms it. She has worn the uniform, but she hasn't played like a team member. To be fair, I wasn't a good team player either, and accept responsibility for my part.

Frankly, I'd want access to my kids at any time

Pager going off, more later...

T

The kids going to my x's place is interesting in my case too. During affair and subsequent marriage to om, x had little time for the kids taking them the minimum guidelines. After divorcing om lasy year, she has now been taking the kids about 50% of the time.

But she refuses to schedule her work around the kids and when she has them. She works 12 hr shifts and doesn't work weekends( at least she doesn't consider Fri nites as weekends), so she misses anything the kids have after school or early evenings because she is either going to or coming home from work( she works 20 miles away).

Since most of the kids events are scheduled ahead of time (son played basketball Tues & Thurs afternoons and daughter plays Tues evenings and Sats afternoons) you would think she would not work those days. Yet she does, she attended half our son's games and about half so far of the daughters's ( she usualy doesn't go to away games on Sat.)

Then just before the new year started she asked if she could have the kids every weekend this month because of her schedule. I said no because, I like to spend non=hectic time with them too and she said I only took the kids when it was convient for me.

She has them now, picked them up Wed nite and is bring them home on Tues. However as Mon is a holiday, the kids don's have school. But she is working!! She'll be gone 13 hrs out of the day.

Why wouldn't she have gotten off that day! I hadn't looked at the schedule that close and didn't realize she was working and I am working out of town on Mon-Tues so I won't be around.

She has no problem with them going to her neighbors. So how can she complain about not having the kids and then not doing whatever she can to be with them when she does have them !