Please explain this one to me.

Everyone here believes in the sanctity of marriage. We believe that marriage is important. Most of us also believe Dr. Harley when he says nothing should come between a husband and wife.

And yet, I read posts looking forward to the destruction of the ex-spouse’s new marriage. I hear glee when people tell about how it didn’t work out. I see people boasting about teaching their children not to respect the sanctity of their father or mother’s new marriage. They may not realize that they are teaching this to their children, but in refusing to talk to the new wife, refusing to accept the other man as part of the child’s family, they are teaching their children that a marriage vow and license doesn’t not mean a thing. They are teaching their children that they should expect certain marriages will fail, even the marriage of someone they love and look up to. They are also teaching their children oh so subtly “Don’t get too close to anyone, ‘cause they could be gone from your life at any moment.”

I find this sad and a little bewildering. We are supposed to be the enlightened ones. We are supposed to have developed insight and tons of self-discipline through Plan A and Plan B.

I do know that certain religions do not recognize divorce, and to their congregants all second marriages are null and void, living in sin. But rarely does anyone make that case.

I’m probably out on my own here. I know from reading posts that most of you will jump all over me.

<small>[ January 14, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

amen gables....lots of hypocrisy in the world, and here is no exception. What you see IMO is people who are distressed acting out their distress in vindictive fashion, suggesting they are not really safe partners themselves. I think wishing ill on another is a defining characteristic of an individual, and not a good one...which probably explains in many cases why there was a marital failure in the first place.

I don't see anything wrong with assessing the safety of an exspouses second marriage and protecting oneself or ones kids from being involved in that drama if need be...but I have a real problem with wishing illwill and acting in vindictive rather than supporting fashion. It amazes me that people will even go as far as trying to break up or make more difficult an exspouses remarriage, and then claim they were a good safe partner...yeah right.

I didn’t go quite that far. And wouldn’t. And I’m not even sure it’s hypocrisy. I think it may be a lack of thinking it through. And sometimes, the emotional distress is so high and the fear factor is so high that people have a very hard time thinking it through. Not to mention the primal element of sexual jealousy.

But if we hold dear the value of marriage, we should not pick and choose which marriages we’ll support and which we’ll undermine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But if we hold dear the value of marriage, we should not pick and choose which marriages we’ll support and which we’ll undermine.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that everyone agrees that some marriages are bad and should end. Some people should be advised to get out of an abusive marriage. However, that does not mean that once you are out of that marriage that you should have the right to undermine a new marriage of the AS. Let alone teach your children that all marriages are wrong by doing this.

I think that the pain that people here suffer foggs them in a little as well and occasionally I even recomend a refresher of MB concepts to those who seem to be letting them slip.

Oh, absolutely! WIWH. Safety first!

And not all marriages can last. But none the less it is a sad thing when they are unhappy.

I agree, we need to teach our children to respect their parents and their parents decisions even if they don't like the decision being made. It is however very difficult for a BS to be supportive of the WS marriage to the OP. If you are being supportive of it then you are either in denial or are just glad the WS is gone. I myself was pretty happy when my Ex marriage to the OP lasted only a year and then they raked eachother through the coals and both had to file bankrupcy. My feeling is you reap what you sow. I never did however say anything like that to my kids. They are old enough to have formed their own opinions. Ex is now remarried again wife number 4 I was number 2 and we have been divorced for 3 years. I have no problems with that marriage as she has nothing to do with what happened to our family.

I'd like to amend that slightly, jilly. How about respecting their parents and their parents' RIGHT to make decisions...if not necessarily the decisions themselves.

My kids were shocked when their dad married his second wife very quickly after beginning a long-distance internet romance with her, virtually sight unseen. So was I. I had to do a LOT of tongue biting as I explained to them that, although my personal opinion was that time frame is awfully fast for ANYone to be getting married, I did wish them happiness. Spurred a lot of talk about how my Ds wanted THEIR relationships and weddings to be, etc., etc. So they're learning and without having to hear their mom squawk negatives about their dad.

*rant on*

Horray!!

I was very happy to see this post! You said what I have observed on MB for months...a total double standard.

People are basically selfish individuals that sometimes can't see past their own needs. Motivated by their own hurts they will often sacrifice their own children's mental health and well-being to the God of "being right".

I am a Christian and I believe that divorce and subsequent remarriage is not God's "best". But I believe God forgives (where there has been
wrong - not ALL people that divorce, sin) and I believe He is a God of the second chance. ... and third and fourth.

Forgiveness and restoration knows no boundaries. Yes, we all hate divorce and what it does to children. But why do we only hate "OUR" divorce,
yet we don't hate it so much when our ex spouse gets divorced again?

If we can stand up and cheer when our ex's fails at yet another relationship, and encourage his/her own children to stand up and cheer as well, I think we need to examine our hearts.

I believe we reap what we sow and at the point that WE judge, life has a way of coming back on us and judging us at exactly the same point.

Let's face it, none of us are so emotionally together that we can be ecstatic when our ex remarries and prospers, but as a human we can at least extend mercy and forgiveness and model some sort of dignity for our children to see.

GG I believe those same children will grow up one day with exactly the "values" we have put into them, and will we wonder why in the world they have multiple marriages themselves?

Children BECOME what they learn.

*rant off*

I’m not sure that I’d expect people to be actively supportive of the new marriage, but to accept it. And, I guess I can understand how you might be pleased to see your ex’s new marriage destroyed it you hated him, loathed him and considered him your worst enemy.

Maybe it's just me and how I want everyone to be happy if possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feeling is you reap what you sow </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jilly .. I hadn't read what anyone but GG wrote ... We obviously agree on this point!
Also, I feel that I wouldn't want to say anything to my boys about my ex that I wouldn't want my ex to say about me. The old "do unto others....."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DZZZ

Ooooh. Good point, Diamonz.
Just imagine this, you the BS get remarried, and your ex refuses to acknowledge your spouse as having a legitimate role in children’s life. Now, I know that the OP has at least on strike against him or her, but still he or she does have official standing once that marriage license is signed. The rules then are changed. The OP is no longer the “lover” or the “mistress.”

I think about Medea. A princess who risked everything to help him, a soccoress, and an aging beauty. Jason deserts her for a young bride who can bring him great political connections and wealth. Medea first kills her two children, then creates beautiful golden robe as a wedding present, burning her rival and destroying Jason’s world.

Just think about what this story teaches us about the collective unconsciousness and the jealous wrath of a betrayed spouse. Medea delights in destroying all Jason possessed, but in doing so she destroyed herself and her sons. Although, I never believed she killed her sons solely out of revenge but rather because she couldn’t stand how they reminded her of Jason and their union.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The rules then are changed. The OP is no longer the “lover” or the “mistress.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree. Second marriages that begin as affairs are forever morally invalid.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I disagree. Second marriages that begin as affairs are forever morally invalid. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is true but OP is still the spouse of the childrens other parent.

Why are they forever invalid?

In the eys of a lot of people(BS's), a relationship that begins as infidelity and adultry is imoral. I guess invalid is going a little far.

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

Why are they forever invalid? Legally and in the eyes of society the marriage does exist. In most religions the marriage exists, and those in which it is not recognized are the ones which don’t recognize any second marriages.

Does God not forgive them and recognize that they want create some honor in their relationship?

If you consider it invalid because it began in sin, what about the many marriages that had courtships tinged with some sort of sin or another?

My father married his primary other woman. They’ve been married now for 15 years. Their marriage is indeed a marriage. I cannot hold it invalid or I would have to hold oh so many more marriages invalid. I would be forced to question if any marriage was really valid.

Nope I don’t see how you can pick and choose which marriages are valid without throwing the whole institution into question.

I see your point and I guess I didn't think it through completely before I agreed with Nellie1.

The way I see it is that a BS would have trouble accepting the validity of the M to the OP. So in their eyes it may seem invalid and that could be conveyed to their chidren causing them to see M to OP as wrong.

I don't think this is right, I think it would be a horrible thing for any child to think there parent is doing something wrong wether they are or not.

I just believe that it is something that does happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My father married his primary other woman </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is interesting. Do you mean that there were secondaries <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

My father was what is politely know as a philanderer or a womanizer. I believe he is reformed now. In his case, his current wife was much more fitted to meet his ENs than my mother was.
I don't delve much into the workings of my father's marriage. I would guess it may be "alternative."

The underlying reasons that someone might not support or accept the OP's new M looks really unhealthy to me.

Anger, resentment, grudges and pain would be reasons I could see someone not being able to forgive and support/accept the Op's new M.

So how could the person holding onto these things truly be able to move on into a new healthy relationship with these feelings still abound?

It seems beneficial not only to the OP/kids to be able to forgive and accept, but also to the person encountering these issues.

I know for me personally, even though I was the BS I hope my WW finds the happiness she's looking for one day. And if she remarries, then so be it but I'm not going to resent her or build up anger towards her for doing so.
Now I know that I say these things and maybe it will be different if it happens, but that's my attitude towards it at least. And I'm sure having kids involved probably makes it that much more difficult to be able to get past these things so in no way shape or form am I saying it's easy to do and should just be done immediately.

Like it was pointed out, if you hold these things against your WS, what keeps them from doing the same to you as the BS?

GG,

My dad married his primary other woman as well--
like your's he had many OW--

they have been married almost 20 years now--they have two children--one of which is now in college
and like you--I beleive their marriage is JUST as valid as my parents marriage was--even if the circumstances surrounding the marriage weren't the best--they do love each other--and I have two wonderful half siblings in the process--