Faith 4 me..Im sorry. Do you have to sell your house? I had some bad times here..but this property was originally part of my grandfathers farm and I wanted to keep it if I could.

Now the house is mine (I owe ex 24,000 in 5 years to buy him out) But I feel I should be able to say who mows my lawn or plows my snow.

Yes, it is harder that the children are older. They had their whole life with 2 parents and now they are realising that that whole life was a lie. Am I bad for that? I tried to hold it all together, tried not to let them see all the dysfunction that was really going on. the drugs, and the DUI's, the criminal acts,OW was just the icing on the cake.

where was my head? I cant believe I let him abuse us for so long. He literally belongs in jail, thats why I dont want him around here. I dont want him to touch anything that belongs to me ever again.

Sorry Dawn...Sorry bout his plowing thru your life again...but you keep good boundaries and that's awesome

Faith...Am back at ya darling.

You didn't change the locks because the kids let the man in.

If my son let in somebody I said not to let in, it doesn't matter. We'd have words, and the locks would get changed.

WHO IS THE PARENT? I am worried about you. Everybody seems to run over you. And the part about "you go to your room" when he comes over to play daddy with the kids.

I am sorry but it seems you WILLINGLY LET THEM TREAT YOU LESS THAN A PARENT. Kids are to be respectful to their parents.

We teach other adults how to treat us...your x. You've taught him how to treat you. No more. Stop this stuff now. Get book Boundaries and memorize it ok? Memorize it.

I did.

Sometimes good fences make great neighbors. You need a fortress wall ok? It is YOUR home. Your kids live there b/c you let them. Your x has another residence. He cannot come and go into your house. And if your kids let him in, then they can go live with him in my book.

Your kids have to respect you and your wishes. Sure, he's their dad but my son doesn't open the door and is not going to open the door without my permission at my home. Even to his own father..who was abusive too and destructive.

sorry about this dawn...I read Faith's post and I couldn't believe she said how she just goes to her room like a kid.

I am getting a bit more upset now. Please do something now. Please faith? I believe you can do it.

Peachy, Thats OK and you are right about Faith.

I too, have spent a little time in my room though while EX was present visiting kids. But it is more like a little overlap time. I would never allow hium in here to play games or watch a movie here.

Last time I came home from work and he was here I did tell him that he knew what time I got home from work and I expect that he will not be there again when I get home.

Sunday..although he didnt come to plow my snow he just walked right in again without knocking. I guess he assumed I wasnt home as my daughter took my car out for a bit. I reminded him that he doesnt live here and I expect him to knock.

He laughed and sarcastically asked me if I was writitng a book on "child visitation etiquette". I expect that from now on he will walk in more frequently as he knows it will upset me. But I am prepared to stand my ground. This man raped, beat and emotionally abused me. He pretended to want counseling all the while he was still seeing OW (2+years)He told me he was plotting to kill a bad tenant we had in a rental property several years back.

And now I am free of him. I dont want to see him for any reason and I dont have to if I dont want to. This is my life. Like Whitney says "On my own"

Smiles,
Dawn

Now we know he's wacked so that is a given.

Let's try a little humor to deal with this.

I am originally from TN. We write bad country songs there...well some artists do. Most write good ones though. But along the lines of "there's a tear in my beer" I offer up to you a new title to a very sappy and stupid country song.

"Please Don't Plow My Snow"
by peachy
You ran wild over my life
I was such a good faithful wife
but you found another woman
kinda like a heiffer, or a cow
and left me one winters' night
with the cow and the plow.

Now your heart is a' achin'
missing the dreams we had been makin'
but I beg you please darlin'
PLEASE DON'T PLOW MY SNOW.
Your life may be without direction
You can't keep an erection
You're stuck with the plow and all this I know.
But please don't come back and don't plow my snow.

You left me with nuthin' all whiny and sad
but now I found me a bigger plow
than the one that you had..
Runs perfect, is faithful and tough
won't quit working or trying when the weather gets rough,
I love my new plow dear so go back to the cow,
And whatever you do, DON'T TOUCH MY SNOW WITH YOUR PLOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sunrise, Reading through this topic, there is one thing that I don't understand.

You have said...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no restraining order yet, last time I was alone with him he raised his hands to hit me and called me nasty name (and my daughter was nearby to see and hear)So I avoid him as much as possible. Next time he threatens me in any way there will be a restraining order.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This man raped, beat and emotionally abused me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The part that I don't understand is..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no restraining order yet </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not? this is not the type of person that should be just walking into anyone's house.

Has he done anything to not deserve a restraining order?

I know how to make him stop plowing snow.

Take a board and put nails in it and lay it where he will drive with the plow up, like to turn around or something.

Peachy..LOL

Hired help..I thought about that for his car..BUT...ITS MY PLOW NOW..he just comes and helps himself to the keys and plows my snow with my plow (actually I realised last time that he must have made his own copy of snow plow key)

WIWH..I discussed this with my lawyer right after the last time he was going to hit me..in august and we decided at that time not to do that.

My ex has a state job that most likely he would lose if there was a domestic abuse restraining order. Lawyer and I decided that if he threatened me in any way ever again we would proceed with the order. Right now..and only for now he is on good behavior, but that wont last long his life has been a seesaw of drugs and bad behavior.

I am having my lawyer send him a letter instructing him that he is not to just walk in whenever he wants..whether to see the kids or not, and not to stop over without asking the kids if it is OK to visit.

He just stops by because the kids dont return his calls (youngest (16YO son, still maintains some kind of relationship) But he thinks I am erasing his calls..Im not..we have caller ID and the kids just dont want to talk to him.

It is a catch 22 situation.

He is a jerk for trying to push the kids into a relationship

and

He is a jerk if he doesnt try to contact them

Bottom line...................

either way a jerk is still a jerk.

I will get through this.

Smiles,
Dawn

WELL WELL NOW

Lots and lots of snow over nite and more to come.

Lets see if he shows up after the mess he made last nite of his engagement announcement (see my other thread). I think if he comes here to plow the snow today......


My daughter just might plow him back to other womans ghetto apartment complex


Happy snow day,
Dawn

I love Peachy's song. I think you should edit it for your needs and send him a copy. Maybe then he'll get it.

Also, get a Club to attach to the plow steering wheel, he can't drive it then.

Regarding Faith4Me's post. God bless her, but she's an example of someone who hasn't set appropriate boundaries and continues to be upset everytime X disregards her "light" boundaries.
Read some of her posts for examples of what NOT do to in your situation.

Do NOT retreat to your bedroom in your own home. Find alternatives for your X to take your kids. Get a schedule of the local library hours, he can take them there to do homework. Or McDonald's.
Say something like "I appreciate the time you are spending with our children; however, it would be best for all of us if you spent time with them elsewhere".

PS, I really need a plow with all this snow we're getting. I didn't clean up my driveway from the last time out, now its snow on top of ice.

came home from work tonite..late..and snow was plowed.

I am taking advice to get a club for the plow. I want him to ride off into the sunset..but not on my plow.

More disturbing was that he walked into the house again without knocking. My D said she didnt even know he was in the house, and after last nite's engagement announcement he was the last person she wanted to see.

I just had a police officer stop by so I could discuss my options.

They are:
a) trespassing complaint
b) restraining order

Once again I will tell him he is not welcome in this house without knocking and permission. I am thinking of sending him a certified letter with a copy to my lawyer making this request in writing (I cant afford for the lawyer to write and send it)

If he still violates my boundaries I will go the trespassing route.

Any other suggestions? Lock has been changed again and kids have been instructed again to lock the doors both when they are home and when they go out..even if someone is still at home.

Rule: Always Lock The Door

You might want to post that rule on the doors on the inside. I think sending him a certified letter is a good idea, too, so he can't say you didn't tell him. And I love the idea of the club for the snowplow. Well, actually, I love the idea of using the club on him, but you can bet you'd get arrested in a hurry.

Hey, someone actually took my advice.

The notice I wrote went something like this:

"The locks have been changed by the homeowner, XXX. If you are asked to change these locks, please call the police immediately."

Put in handwriting and tape to the inside of each door (facing out) so that any locksmith could read it.

Tell me, where the police nice about it? My local police were really great about everything, especially house watch. It didn't hurt that my best buddy from support group also worked for the township and knew every one of them.

Good Luck.

And I still need that snowplow. 12" expected.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Im sorry Newly..and I still need to sell my plow. That would solve 2 problems..my lawyer bill and him coming to plow and mow grass

Peachy, you asked for it LOL

It was funny to read again. We are expecting a little winter weather in NJ/NY this weekend, bring warmness..you might not want to snuggle (YET) and boots

Post how your phone call went tonite

sunrise,do you still have that lawn tracker for sale <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Were in Delaware,not far from NJ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Amanda,
The Lord provided other ways for me to pay my legal bill so I presume that God wanted me to keep the tractor

Sice shortly after that last post my X finally got the message that I did not want him here touching my property he has only been here to pick up my son (which amounts to about 45 minutes quality time of pizza outing about once a week)

Looks like I better have my son attach the snow plow as they are saying possible accumulation tonite, better to be ready than not. Where in Delaware do you live? I have not seen you post before.

Smiles,
Dawn

I'm glad you are keeping your boundaries strong and the police involved. Your ex is still abusing you, in a more subtle way.....he is doing things to upset you and harass you. I was married to an abusive man too; and he tries to stomp on my boundaries too.....I haven't found anything that REALLY works yet; except continuing to stand firm.

Hang in there!

Since you do not want to file a restraining order on him at this time for fear he may lose his job, can you not have the police go over to his house with a warning if he comes over again? They will have a record that you just called them recently and can discuss what could happen to him if he does not stay away.

Marie