I am new to the divorce board. After finding out my W had an A, and is pregnant with OMs child, I am filing for divorce.

Since my W makes much more money than I do, my lawyer thinks I should try to get alimony from her. I tend to think I don't need the money, and I she will have a hard enough time raising a kid as a single mom, so why pursue it.

My lawyer keeps saying that he is being paid to look out for my interests, and to trust him on this, that I will be sorry later if I don't go for it.

Any thoughts?
Ray

A lawyers jod is to look out for your interests. What do you think is right ?

I know this is old-fashioned prejudice, but ... something about a man who gets alimony from his ex-wife bothers me. If you were stay-at-home dad who had given up his career, that would be a different story.

I myself told my lawyer straight out that I was walking from the increase in inventory, which could be a very sizable chunk of change. I did this because even though I feel entitled to some of it, I don't want to create any more acrimony than necessary. And there may be times I'll wish I really had that money, however, I bet they'll be fleeting compared with have as cordial a relationship as possible with my daughters' father.

Just remember, you're lawyer doesn't have to live your life after the divorce. Good luck. I know this has been hard on you having read your story. I hope that the future brings healing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> I know this is old-fashioned prejudice, but ... something about a man who gets alimony from his ex-wife bothers me. If you were stay-at-home dad who had given up his career, that would be a different story.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have not made up my mind, but I have to ask why it is different for a man to get alimony?

Many, many women who were not stay at home mom's get alimony and no one thinks that is wrong.

My reason for hesitating on the alimony is to not hurt her ability to take care of her child.

On the other hand, my lawyer (and my sister in law) say taking care of the child is also the responsibility of her OM, and that it should not be my concern.
Ray

Oh, it's just prejudice. Not worth anything. And I was rather surprised to find myself feeling that way. Probably has to do with the Financial Support need.

But then I don't like women who go for blood and alimony when they still work or could easily go back to work.

Xray, you seem like a very kind person. You do what you think is right.

And just a note, your concern is not for the child but for your wife. So who cares if OM helps pay for the child? Alimony will definitely make your wife more pressed for cash. It could also drag out the divorce if she chooses to fight it.

Go for the alimony and then give it to a charity for divorced single dads or legal charity or something. Alimony will NOT cause her to not be able to care for her child, and your family is RIGHT!!! The OM should be the person to take care of the child.

I couldn't take the alimony for myself, but I sure could use it to help someone who was less fortunate than I am. Othewise, she is just walking away where any MAN would be paying through the nose. There is a certain double standard in this world that needs to broken down in a few ways.

Folks its about actions and CONSEQUENCES. Alimony is a consequence of a decision. Now how MUCH alimony is where kindness and doing right should come into play. Its a simple legal formula.

If X-rays lifestyle is being diminished because of her decision, why should he suffer. Perhaps the alimony could have a time period attached. But as for not getting it at all, I believe that is wrong. How will his X learn anything if he takes it in the shorts, she leaves, gets another man and lives happily ever after.

Not that one should wish ill-will towards a spouse, but by golly its about time people stand up and except the consequences of there actions.

I know you will do the right thing Xray. BTW, the father of this precious child should pay support. It is his child.

Healedwounds

xray...

should you ask for alimony?...

it depends...

how old are you and your wife?...

how long have you been married?...

oaktown...

Alimony is usually not that big an amount of money anyway (unless of course the one being forced to pay it is extremely wealthy) so I don't beleive it would be a severe financial impact for her. Besides alimony, for the most part, is no longer a lifetime entitlement for the vast number of recipients. Should you go for alimony? Well consider, the expenses that you are now dealing (i.e. attorney fees, court costs, counseling) with because of her choices to have an affair and become pregnant by the OM, wouldn't receiving alimony help to pay for some of those expenses?

TMCM opens other avenues. Perhaps you could request she pay your legal fees. Ultimately, you need to do what you feel is right. You are entitled to alimony, but it may drag out the process and cause a lot of pain for everyone.

However, you can use it to punish your WS like some have suggested. Dr. Harley said punishment usually backfires in marriages, and I’m not sure what if anything it would accomplish in divorce.

There’s a lot to weigh here, and it comes down to what is most important to you. There’s no right or wrong answer. Just answers that would be right for me or right for him or right for you.

Do let us know what you decide though.

oaktown,
I am 27, WW is 25. Married three years.

When she graduated from college (which I helped pay for) she was able to get a very good job.

I have not finished college, am going to school part time while working full time.


TMCM,
I had not thought about the issues of the money her decision to have an A is costing me (really my dad, since I have no money to be paying for the lawyer).

I do think it would be fair for me to get those expenses back, either directly or by getting alimony until it is paid back.
Ray

I would go for the alimony. Your wife is in a position and career you funded. You have rights to her earnings. This is not about revenge...it is about gaining money back that you invested. You invested in her future because the two of you were married. I am assuming you two had an agreement that you funded her to go to school and then she would fund you. Lots of people married and did this and then were cheated out of their turn. Hence the laws were changed to allow people to gain access to future earning that they helped secure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by XRay:
<strong>
TMCM,

I had not thought about the issues of the money her decision to have an A is costing me (really my dad, since I have no money to be paying for the lawyer).

I do think it would be fair for me to get those expenses back, either directly or by getting alimony until it is paid back.
Ray </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it is fair to get alimony from her not only because you helped pay for her education, but also because your father is helping to pay for the lawyer out of his own pocket. You can use the alimony to repay your dad. He may not want to admit it but he probably needs the money he is spending on the lawyer more than you (unless of course he is wealthy to begin with). So if you want a good reason to go for alimony, just think of the financial sacrifice your dad is willingly enduring to help out his beloved son.

Ah. Well, you helped with the college expenses. That changes things. You should be reimbursed for that in some way.

just want to clarify a couple of things. I helped pay for her college, but by no means paid for it all.

We never had an agreement over college where I would put her through, then she would put me through. At the time I had no intention of going back to college.

I just felt she did not need to borrow more money to go to college, so I helped her.

My dad can afford to pay for a lawyer. He is not rich, but he has some money.

I know he would never ask for or expect me to pay him back. He would give me everything he had if I needed it.

Of course, that just makes me want to pay him back even more.
Ray

It comes down to how much you would get and for how long if you got alimoney. It also comes down to how much in legal expenses it would cost to sue for alimony which is money that you never recover. I wouldn't feel sorry for your wife. She put herself in this position. She could always recover the money that she is paying you by suing the OM for support of the child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by XRay:
<strong> Since my W makes much more money than I do, my lawyer thinks I should try to get alimony from her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is appalling. You're young, you're healthy, there is no reason you cannot support yourself, you've only been married three years? I assume you want to cut your ties to her - but you are considering getting a monthly check from her? Are you seeking to punish your wife for her affair by demanding alimony?

When I divorced I was very clear about the kind of person I wanted to be - and that kind of person did not want to depend on anyone when I was completely capable of supporting myself. And our marriage was one of 16 years - based on the responses here though, maybe I should be glad he didn't come after me for support.

The law would, and will, "let" me do a lot of things. My own integrity will not.

Xray,

Interesting how the responses sort of line up by gender. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

If I were running your life, here is what I would do.

I would propose that she pay your legal fees so that you can pay your Dad back. Your Dad is NOT married to her or her to him, so he should come out of this whole. She had the affair, she is having the child of OM.

Next, I would ask for a settlement comparable to what you put into her education. I would then use that money to finish my education.

Then I would bid her a fond farewell, and be out of her life.

Should the money come as alimony (basically monthly/weekly payments) or as a lump sum settlement? It depends on what is best for you and her? Have the lawyers talk about it. She will have to pay extra legal fees if she fights it, and the laws are sort of balancing out on these financial things.

I think that would be an equitable settlement for what you have invested in this woman and her bad behavior. It is not punishment, it is simply settlement. Call it what you will.

Your lawyer is right, he is being paid to look after you and it seems he is doing a good job. Run this by him and see what he thinks.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I like your idea, and it goes along with what I have been thinking.

I do not want alimony. But, my lawyer, who is being paid to look out for me, say's I am legally entitled and that I should get it.

Some of my family also thinks I am entitled, given the money I have invested in her.

I also think if the situtation was reversed, and I was a female who's husband had gotten another woman pregant, people would feel differently.
Ray

Buddy,

If you did what your W did, you would be peddling your bike to work from the underpass you now call home, after selling all of the cans you collected. You can believe she would clean you out. AND everyone would be cheering her on.

Still, I think you will sleep better if you just recover your costs and move on.

God Bless,

JL