Hi everyone...I am new here, and I need help. I am 27 years old, and this past July I remarried my ex husband, who I had just divorced in January. I guess that's alot to just throw out there, so let me start from the beginning! My husband and I have been "together" for going on 8 years. We are the same age. We have a 4 year old daughter, and a 9 year old son that I have from a previous relationship. Over the last 8 years, starting when we were 19, we have had a rocky road...alot of growing up together, and alot of problems. I have been in love with him since the day we met, and he is for the most part very good to me. Over the years, he has left me on 3 separate occasions, and these separations have left me with some serious scarring. This last separation was actually a result of ME leaving HIM, just because I reached the point where I truly believed things were never going to get better, on top of the fact that he had me feeling so insecure that he would leave again, it drove me nuts! Well, we divorced in January. But over that last year, I found a whole new part of myself that I never knew existed. I established a career for myself, began supporting myself and my kids all on my own, bought a new car, met a great man,...basically everything seemed to be falling into place for me. I loved that I was no longer dependant on him to make me happy, or secure. But a month before our divorce was final, I was really struggling with the fact that I was the one who was willingly going through with this divorce, and tearing my family apart (even though, he was all for the divorce as well!). So, we ended up going through with the divorce after a short week of "talks" about reconciliation. But then 4 months after the divorce, we realized what a horrible thing we had both done, and how it went against everything we both knew to be right..and decided to get back together. To get our family back together. The problem I have is this: We've been remarried now since July, and for some reason, I just can't seem to establish any trust with him, not at least like the kind of trust we had years ago. I hate that I am now again the "snooping" wife, going through his wallet, going through his computer files etc; Please don't get me wrong, I don't do these things out of sheer paranoia, he has actually given me reason to do these things. There have been many times where when I DID those things, I found alot of incriminating evidence to his dishonesty with me. And although this "new" marriage seems to have changed him quite a bit, I still have these haunting memories of the past, and the fear of abandonment has once again returned to me, even though I have proven to successfully take care of myself on my own. And now that he seems to be trying so hard to be a better husband, I seem to be the one now having difficulty committing to this marriage 100%, the way that I know I need to. It is causing ME now to be the one doing things that I would die if HE were doing. And the thing is, I almost feel like I am doing these things, just to avoid getting hurt again. Almost like if I distance myself from him emotionally, if and when he DOES screw up, or leave me again (God forbid!) Perhaps it won't hurt as much? Does any of this make sense to anyone? I really want to have a good marriage with this man the second time around. I am sooooo lucky to be back with the father of my children, and have him have such a good attitude toward making this marriage work. But how do I overcome this need to always be checking up on him and stop feeling like I'm sneaking around trying to catch him doing something? And why am I doing this? Am I dooming this relationship to fail? There are so many questions that I have, and I feel so alone. It's such a rare thing to remarry the very same spouse who you've already divorced once before. And as many of you might know, who have been through divorces, the feelings of bitterness that you suffer between the two people, are rarely ever able to be healed. He seems to be just fine with wiping the slate clean...why am I having such a hard time doing the same?<p>brokenwing<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: brokenwing ]</p>

brokenwing,<p>Honey, if you want this marriage to stand any chance of working, RUN, do not walk, RUN to a marriage counselor. It sounds as if you two are together again because you were afraid to let go...not because you are mad for each other...but I think that can be helped. I strongly suggest counseling, joint/individual or both.<p>What has he done that makes your actions justified? Has he had an affair or did you just find an 'errant' phone number in his pocket? Without knowing much detail, it's hard to say what I would do. But I do know if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by brokenwing:
<strong>Hi everyone...I am new here, and I need help. I am 27 years old, and this past July I remarried my ex husband, who I had just divorced in January. I guess that's alot to just throw out there, so let me start from the beginning! My husband and I have been "together" for going on 8 years. We are the same age. We have a 4 year old daughter, and a 9 year old son that I have from a previous relationship. Over the last 8 years, starting when we were 19, we have had a rocky road...alot of growing up together, and alot of problems. I have been in love with him since the day we met, and he is for the most part very good to me. Over the years, he has left me on 3 separate occasions, and these separations have left me with some serious scarring. This last separation was actually a result of ME leaving HIM, just because I reached the point where I truly believed things were never going to get better, on top of the fact that he had me feeling so insecure that he would leave again, it drove me nuts! Well, we divorced in January. But over that last year, I found a whole new part of myself that I never knew existed. I established a career for myself, began supporting myself and my kids all on my own, bought a new car, met a great man,...basically everything seemed to be falling into place for me. I loved that I was no longer dependant on him to make me happy, or secure. But a month before our divorce was final, I was really struggling with the fact that I was the one who was willingly going through with this divorce, and tearing my family apart (even though, he was all for the divorce as well!). So, we ended up going through with the divorce after a short week of "talks" about reconciliation. But then 4 months after the divorce, we realized what a horrible thing we had both done, and how it went against everything we both knew to be right..and decided to get back together. To get our family back together. The problem I have is this: We've been remarried now since July, and for some reason, I just can't seem to establish any trust with him, not at least like the kind of trust we had years ago. I hate that I am now again the "snooping" wife, going through his wallet, going through his computer files etc; Please don't get me wrong, I don't do these things out of sheer paranoia, he has actually given me reason to do these things. There have been many times where when I DID those things, I found alot of incriminating evidence to his dishonesty with me. And although this "new" marriage seems to have changed him quite a bit, I still have these haunting memories of the past, and the fear of abandonment has once again returned to me, even though I have proven to successfully take care of myself on my own. And now that he seems to be trying so hard to be a better husband, I seem to be the one now having difficulty committing to this marriage 100%, the way that I know I need to. It is causing ME now to be the one doing things that I would die if HE were doing. And the thing is, I almost feel like I am doing these things, just to avoid getting hurt again. Almost like if I distance myself from him emotionally, if and when he DOES screw up, or leave me again (God forbid!) Perhaps it won't hurt as much? Does any of this make sense to anyone? I really want to have a good marriage with this man the second time around. I am sooooo lucky to be back with the father of my children, and have him have such a good attitude toward making this marriage work. But how do I overcome this need to always be checking up on him and stop feeling like I'm sneaking around trying to catch him doing something? And why am I doing this? Am I dooming this relationship to fail? There are so many questions that I have, and I feel so alone. It's such a rare thing to remarry the very same spouse who you've already divorced once before. And as many of you might know, who have been through divorces, the feelings of bitterness that you suffer between the two people, are rarely ever able to be healed. He seems to be just fine with wiping the slate clean...why am I having such a hard time doing the same?<p>brokenwing
Holland,Mich.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

You know, I don't really appreciate being given back my quote with a "rolling of the eyes" emoticon at the bottom. I am having a serious problem here, and just wanting to meet SOMEONE who will care enough to listen and help. I'm terribly sorry if my problem seems so inconsequential to you.

I agree, Estee, that was a bit rough! <p>brokenwing, pay no attention whatever to Estee, did you notice it was his/her first one? Very occasionally mean people come on here and try to get a reaction. Not worth it.<p>brokenwing, <p>You are in 'recovery', and there is a board here with that title, just for people like you who have been lucky enough to reconcile, but still experience pain, trust issues, and other relevant problems. May I suggest you post this on that board, as the people there are in the same position as you.<p>I am assuming that your H had an affair, because of the snooping you do and the evidence you found, and of course the lack of trust you have in him. So you have come to the right place to get some help. I have added a link for you to get you started on some important reading for new pwople here. Read all you can on Emotional Needs and Plan A especially. It will help you immensely. This link gives you others:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005023<p>I know from experience that trust, once lost, is very difficult to regain. But you say your H is now a different man, trying so hard, and you can see this. This is excellent news, for it really means he wants the marriage to work. If you communicate well, why not print out some of the stuff here for him to look at? There is an Emotional Needs questionairre, which can help you work out how to please each other in many ways. It also has a great article somewhere about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) whereby you either BOTH agree totally to a decision, or it doesn't happen. Anyway that's just a couple of things.<p>I hope this information helped.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: Nina too ]</p>

Jacky,<p>Thanks so much for sticking up for me. I know that what I wrote must sound incredibly stupid to other people who haven't been in my situation, but it's so hard to explain 8 years of ups and downs in one single post, you know? I was afraid people would fall asleep before getting to the end!! Anyway, I'm going to go visit that link, and will get back later. Oh, and BTW, I notice you have posted ALOT on this sight. May I ask about your story?<p>Michelle

No rolly eyes here, but I will say this, I have been exactly where you are! I married my ex wife twice. We got married after a whirlwind relationship and it did not last a year and produced my oldest son....then I went out to California to work and she said she missed me and one thing led to another and we got married again after a couple of years and had three more children. The problem was that we had never fixed the underlying problems with the relationship. Religion, Sex, Money... When we did start with counseling, it was too late and the only reason she came was because I asked....she did not think she had done anything wrong....<p>Dallas, and Nina, as usual, have the best advice here, RUN to that counselor. You had your life set wonderfully until you gave in to whatever it was.....Make sure and keep yourself together through all of this and keep your eye on where YOU want to go.<p>[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: freddyb ]</p>

Brokenwing...are you still out there....what is up?