I'm assuming that when divorced visitation guidelines were established. Also, your legal obligations where your children are concerned. In most states it is legally required that the gaurdian/custodian must inform the other parent of all school related issues. The fact that her presence at these school functions upset you and your new wife is beside the point. In life we all have to deal with people that bring stress. My advice would be to ignore her if possible. Does she know that her presence bothers you and your new wife? If so, that may just encourage her to be more involved. On a positive note, be happy for your children that she takes an active intrest/involvement in your children's lives. If you try to prevent her from her legal rights (school functions) not only could you be breaking the law, but you could be creating future resentment in your children towards yourself. In conclusion, when children are involved, it's not about your feelings anymore. To prevent their mother from being involved in certain important parts of their lives because it makes you uncomfortable is selfish. Find comfort in the fact that you are no longer married to her and do not have to live with her. Until your kids are adults she will be in your life in some form. I'm guessing the harder you resist her presence, the more she will resist. Good luck.

Fact is, I heard yesterday that my xw has let a further two rooms in her house to two complete strangers who share the house with her and my kids when they stay over. I can't help feeling that she has just risen the dangers to our kids a couple of serious notches. I'm especially worried about my daughter because most girls are raped by people they know or regularly come into contact with. Of course my knee-jerk reaction is to get my kids out of that situation. The gay person I can still accept because I don't think he pose any risks. He is an old friend of my xw. The two new tenants are a different kettle of fish altogether though. They bring friends over, I don't know what their moral values are, I know nothing of them and my xw did not bother to tell me. I heard that via our kids.

Comments please.

Suddenly the tables are turning here...


I'd be VERY CONCERNED in this situation...I guess I have come to trust very few. If I thought there was ANY POTENTIAL for danger in any way, I'd be all of over it.

Sounds to me like you need to find out exactly waht is going on.

Your Ex is the Mother...always will be...do not try and replace her. BUT, if she is a bad mother...or places the kids in any potential harms way, act before somehting can happen.

To me this means you must find out what the whole story is, tell your ex wife if it is not acceptable for the wealthfare of the kids, and then make it happen.

They must be protected from problems...if her lifestyle choices are harmful to them, they must be protected from them. Why was your son so late to school so often? I'd find out why.

Bottom line: I have a wife who married me and got my S (10) and D (6) as part of the package. As things turned out, she is the one who has to bring them to school in the morning and fetch them from school in the afternoon. Furthermore, she drops in every now and then to see if they are still happy. She has a D (5) of her own who views my kids as her brother and sister and proclaims that to the whole wide world too. They are blending magnificantly. Me and my wife both got custody of our kids. Here they are forming a happy family where they can come home to in the evening and depart from in the morning - as close to a normal family as possible. Only, there is an xw in the picture who wants her rightfull share with the kids too.

I sit with the dilemma of how to accomodate both w and xw's rights to the kids and at the same time do what's best for the kids. If I allow my xw all her claims to the kids, my w feels like my xw's childminder and there is no love lost between the two of them. This causes immense strain between me and my w. If I totally disregard my xw's rights and feelings, my w will be happy but my xw will rightfully feel that she is being denied her access to the kids. The kids also has a right to see their mom, no matter who or what she may be - they still love her.

Question: where do I draw the line and how do I arrive at the solution.

Proposition: I have to put my W first and my xw last. This is how I would like to be treated and this is how I will treat my w. I therefore discuss every arrangement regarding the kids with my w according to POJA. My problem is that my w is like a mother tiger who got two extra siblings and want to scratch out every rival's eyes who dare to take them away from her, including my xw. This leads to the situation that my w sometimes demands arrangements that might infringe on my xw's rithts to the kids and I am still trying to deal with that. Secondly, I might be forced by my xw's lifestile decisions to keep the kids out of potential harm's way which may also inringe on her access rights.

Thank you for your time and patience. Just had to run my ideas and difficulties by you and get some perspective on the situation. Further comments are most wellcome. I can assure you, this is not a nice situation to be in.

RecoveredDad,

-- My problem is that my w is like a mother tiger who got two extra siblings and want to scratch out every rival's eyes who dare to take them away from her, including my xw.

TR--This is HER issue she needs to deal with inside herself--she's NOT their mother--and has no right to take this stance w/ your ex--

Are you sure she's upset that it involves the kids
or is it more she's jealous that YOU still see your ex-w and thinking you may go back to her?

--This leads to the situation that my w sometimes demands arrangements that might infringe on my xw's rithts to the kids and I am still trying to deal with that.

TR--Again--are sure it's about the kids--and not fear you and your ex may get reunited even for a brief fling--

I ask because your feelings of hatered for ex seem to invade so much of your life--that you don't seem to be over her yet--

How long were you divorced before you remarried??

RD,

I just looked up my shared parenting plan and in it, it states that "each child shall have a bedroom separate from the parents at each parent's house."

Does you planhave anything like that? If so your x is in violation if their sleeping arrangement are like you indicated.

My x too had planned to take in borders. One was to be the son and wife of a guy she used to work with. Then it was to be the guy from work who was separated from his wife.

They both asked me if I thought it was a good idea, I said no I didn't think it was good/safe for the kids.

She said she had to look out for herself and needed the money. I later found out, the guy made a pass at her so she wouldn't let him move in.

RD,

Having been the "new wife" to a man who had children previous to our marrying, I feel I have a good "handle" on how your W is feeling. Let me throw this scenario at you for consideration:

After a couple of year of us being m'd, H's xw "allowed" the younger son to move in with us (os was already living w/another family member - he was 13 when we married. but 18 when his younger brother moved in w/us. YS was 15, and starting to give her major grief). Heck, she moved into a TENT just BLOCKS away from us, in a city-owned park! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

She wanted ys to come visit her (ride his bike) to her "home" - tent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> every week-end. He "felt sorry" for his mother during the winter, asked to take OUR BLANKETS TO HER TO SLEEP UNDER. I graciously agreed (but then didn't want them back, either). I was livid. I felt this woman didn't "want" her son, but didn't want us having him totally either!

My point, I endured this torture for almost a year. Eventually, she "moved on" with her life. Found yet another bf, and moved into an apartment.......and then didn't have time for her son to visit quite so much.

I feel like your xw will "move on" after she tires of this game she is playing with you for power over the children. Week-end visit prolly "cramp her style" too!

The ONLY part you need to keep on top of is the issue of WHO IS SLEEPING IN THE HOME YOUR CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING IN while they are with their mom, as BP has said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Question: am I out of line here if I tell her to stay away from school functions like "first day at school", sport events, buing them school clothes, etc. I want to take her needs and rights into consideration but not at the expense of my new family and my new wife's feeling. She is their mother too. My X's presence at functions upsets me and my new wife and I frankly don't want her around when it is our time with the kids.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally, yes, I think it's "out of line" to ask your wife to stay away from her kids and to not be involved in their lives. I read this and it's very sad. It seems that you and your new wife basically want your xw to be completely 100% out of your children's life. I think that's a shame and I think there are better ways to deal with your xw's presence than to keep her children from her.

It also seems that you are under an illusion that there is such a thing as a "perfect" family, which there is not. Now, your wife going into the marriage knew that your kids have a mother and that she's a part of their lives. She needs to accept that and make the best of it. Be a good stepmother herself and not try to get rid of your xw's involvement in your children's life.

I don't feel alot of respect for your new w from the way you explained how she treats the xw and seems to be wanting to completely replace her in every which way. I think it's wrong. I do understand the frustrations she and you feel... they are very normal for blended families. Blended families with children are not easy and have very unique dynamics to them (such as x's).

Your concern about the roomates is very valid and I too would be very uncomfortable with that. But to ask your wife not to buy the kids clothes, not to go to their school events, and all the rest. That's not right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My problem is that my w is like a mother tiger who got two extra siblings and want to scratch out every rival's eyes who dare to take them away from her, including my xw.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This to me seems "backwards." These kids are your xw's children and I think it's unhealthy that your new wife sees your xw as "trying to take away" the kids from her (the new wife). Your new wife obviously sees herself as the rightful mother of your kids.

Unless she has legally adopted them, she really is not. And as a stepparent, she does not even have the same legal rights over your children as your xw does.

Your wife needs to not be a "mother tiger" and needs to not view your xw as a "rival." I see this behavior as an indication of her feeling threatened by your xw and of her having a need to be the one in control of the kids (versus your xw). I see why it would be a problem for you though. No one wants to live with an angry or possessive "tiger."

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 06:58 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Recoverd Dad,
Your wife has every right to see her children. I have to question though why you got sole custody of them. Is she a bad parent?

In my situation my new H has become a major part of my 16yr old S life. My Ex now lives 1000 miles away and never calls S. He hasn't seen his Dad now for 2 almost 3 years. My H has been a very good dad to him and loves him as his own. I think it will be very hard on him if son leaves to visit his Dad. Especially when H has done all of the fathering for the past 2 years. So I can see where your wife is coming from. I do know however that your kids need their Mom and she needs them. Be thankful that she wants to be apart of their lives.

I suggest that you read a book called, "Stepfamilies, Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade" by Dr. James Bray and John Kelly. While yours is not the typical stepfamily --the BM usually has custody, there are very similar situations dealing with X's in the book.

It is an excellent study of stepfamilies, and the ones that are most successful. It sounds to me that you are falling into the trap of the "Romantic Stepfamily" and that you and your W would like your XW to just disappear and allow you to create a traditional family with new W stepping is as the Mom. You have set yourself up with very unrealistic expectations if you think that if XW disappeared everyone will live happily ever after and there will be no more problems. That doesn't happen in nuclear families and happens even less often in stepfamilies.

I think that I read that you have been married one month. That is hardly enough time to feel like things are blended perfectly--you are still in the "honeymoon faze of the stepfamily". But what stands out to me is the anger you feel toward your XW. As long as you hold on to that and let it control you, you can not find the happiness that you want to find in your life. Please find a way to resolve this with counselling if necessary. It's best to go into a new marriage having gotten over the past. You can't forget and you must protect yourself, but it is so damaging hold on to the anger. Eventually this will be harmful for your marriage also.
I think that you really want what's best for your children and your marriage, but you just are going to be able to wish away your XW. Remember that she is 1/2 of the reason you have your children.

Recovered Dad,

I was thinking about your post because I felt like I was "harsh" with you, but I too agree that you have fallen under a "romantic stepfamily" ideal as Gillian mentioned, and thus, there are unrealistic expectations. I also was wondering if by keeping the kids from your wife it is a way of punishing her (getting back at her) for hurting you.

I do think that you can kindly express to your xw though how you feel about the kids staying there with the roomates. Hopefully they are okay people, but I know if they were my children, I would be very hesitant to let them stay there also.

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>