What do I do now?

I managed to save a bit of money. Enough to take advantage of a great ski offer where my daughters ski free during spring break. When my STBX found out that I was planning to take the girls on a ski vacation, he said, “I don’t want to finance your vacation!” Well, after having seen his bank statements which show all his sales going back into his business, after having him still use my basement as storage without paying rent, after having him still use my computer (company-purchased) for his business, after having him use the washer and dryer, and not asking for a dime for any of that, he says he’s financing my vacation because he’s paying half the private school tuition and all the after-school care. That’s all he pays. He pays nothing for their other activities and upkeep. I haven’t asked him for a dime other than he pay ASC and one tuition. And this is the first year he’s paid tuition. I paid OD’s before and the younger was in daycare which I was responsible for seeing get paid.

But the long and short of it is, STBX is now demanding that I use my savings to pay for half the after school care.

STBX said he won’t write any CS checks to me when we get divorced. He’ll only write them to the school. He’ll pay for one child and I should pay for the other, but he won’t pay for their clothing, hair cuts, etc.

This approach to money is not new. Basically when we were living together, I paid the bills, and if I couldn’t meet the bills, I had to go to him and asked for money. In spite of my requests to change this arrangement, it was the only way I could get him to contribute. After experimenting, I discovered the more I saved the less he contributed. So naturally, if I have savings which I was not planning on using to pay bills he has been paying, he sees this as him financing my vacation.

I guess he has a point. But, if that’s the way he’s going to play I’ll be forced to go after his inventory as part of the settlement. It was my income that allowed him to fill his shop, my two sheds, his car, and my basement to overflowing with inventory.

I don’t want to destroy him. I don’t want him to be miserable. But, nor do I want to deprive my children and me of some of the fun stuff money.

I still say we had the same X, we certainly had the same financial arrangements.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STBX said he won’t write any CS checks to me when we get divorced. He’ll only write them to the school. He’ll pay for one child and I should pay for the other, but he won’t pay for their clothing, hair cuts, etc.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's blowing smoke here. Read any book on CS, even photocopy sections for him. He will have no control over how you spend the money or to whom he writes the checks. Sorry buddy.

My AH X told DD6 that it was my responsibility to fork over the $10 for a school play. I'll be billing him for his portion. (sorry, I could vent here).

This is why you need to get custody and other items spelled out in writing. I think you'll need a formal custody schedule. In our state, the CS is based on the number of overnights each parent has, and is a strict formula based on salaries, not on expenses. No surprise to you, I have spreadsheets developed to calculate all of this.

Just smile when he says things like this, then talk to your lawyer to find out the reality.

Are you sure he's not NPD? It still seems its all about him!

I'm still in a great mood since getting away last weekend.

This is a dumb questions but why have you not gotten Three men and a huge U-Haul truck and moved all his books out. Then changed the locks. I know you maybe do not want to rock the boat but I am surprised you have not done those two things.

Perhaps, you are going to legally divorce and THEN slam him with the book removal and changing the locks. I don't know. I truly dislike this man and wish you could set some boundaries. At least he is no longer living there at the house....that is a first step.

Thanks all. The children’s father is throwing a monkey wrench in my plans all of a sudden. But, I’m still figuring out how to get up there.

Baba, I’m am changing the locks, I’m calling the locksmith today!, but I’m keeping the remaining books as insurance. He’s had ample amount of time to get them out. And I’m keeping his clothes. Later, I’ll just sell everything at bargain basement prices. After all, it’s in the basement! OK, that’s my vengeful vindictive dream. Probably I’ll let him get the stuff out of the house.

Newly, we didn’t share a husband. The reason I know this is mine has no problem communicating. I know exactly what he means, and what he wants when he’s talking. It’s only when he stops that I realize how everything he said last night contradicts what he said the week before.

But what do I do about the vacation? Should I go anyway? Should I arrange my plans around his like usual?

I know you disagree but I see NPD in this statement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It’s only when he stops that I realize how everything he said last night contradicts what he said the week before.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Child support is to support the household expenses, nothing more. This is differentiated from work related childcare in my agreement.

My thoughts
"B,
Since the children are off school the weeks of X, I propose that I take the first week with them and you care for them the second week".
Our alternative is daycare which we would split in half.
Thanks to my family (yes fabricated) I have the opportunity to take the children on a mini-vacation during my week. I will be at X with the children the week of XX.
Please let me know your arrangements for the children on your week. ""

And I agree with changing the locks and hauling out the books. I think there is more value in the books than you realize, and do you want to nitpick expenses like this or get it upfront from the books acquired during your M.

PS, AH called today to talk about caring for the children on Monday, so I'm p'd off that it takes him so long, and I didn't have the opportunity to tell the girls I wouldn't see them for 6 nights.

Green Gables

Typically when people refer to financing, they think along the lines of the "To furnish credit to" variation of the term. This would indicate that the amount financed would be paid back with intrest.

Tell him he is not financing it because you are not paying him back.
He is just flat out paying for your vacation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

In the future, spare him the details of your plans so he doesn't concern himself with the cost.

I just don't understand people. If the day comes that my STBXW planned something tike this, I would probably ask if she needed more money so her and the kids could make sure that they enjoy themselves.

But after reading your story, I'm not surprised.

Newly
If I'm not mistaken, you are in NJ and I am interested in those spreadsheets. Or at least some information where I can get more detail on stuff like SS and CS.

Oh, WIWH, you made me laugh! You are the first person to make me laugh over this, and I thank you.

I didn't go into the details of the cost of the trip nor where I got the money. I could have gotten the trip as a b-day gift. (My birthday is in March like Anne of Green GAbles, hence the name.)

In fact, I didn't even tell him where I was going until late in the initial conversation. So, he was kind of assuming I was taking them skiing at my dad's place in NY. Like Greek Peak will have snow the 4th week of March!

Anyway, I didn't go into details, just that it was a special deal.

I'm thinking of going anyway. I'm also thinking of filing for temporary child support over at family services. So far, he hasn't had to give me a thing. If I did that, he would. I probably won't though because I'd be doing it out of anger hoping to inflict pain.

I am thinking of changing the message on his answering machine which is STILL in my home to "You have reached the former phone number of B. B. no longer lives here. He may be reached on his cell phone. No further information is available about B."

Since he hasn't told his partner about our separation, doing this would really start fireworks. But it is kind of funny.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd be doing it out of anger hoping to inflict pain.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That doesn't sound like you.

"If you can afford to go on vacation then you don't need child support."
(Just trying to imagine what you will be hearing)

Yes, I know. And the proud part of me does say "If I have any disposable money, I should use it so that I don't need my STBX's at all." There long FOO (family of origen) issues regarding money and love. If I could support the children without any help from their father, I would. All I'd ask is a polite relationship.

And I try never to act out of anger. Usually dreaming up revenge is enough to take all the venom out of my fangs. I will not apply for the temporary support unless necessary. I will not put a bizarre or humiliating message on his machine, but I did cancel the DSL line. I am actively cutting expenses even if he still accesses the house to use those services. I will change the locks on the doors.

I can't afford $52 a month for a service I occassionally use on the weekends and late nights.

It's always nice to save a few bucks, as long as it doesn't prevent you from posting here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Oh, thanks for the sentiments. But $600 will go a long way toward a vacation. Or skiing. I love to ski. My OD who was practically failing PE loves to ski. Skiing will probably be a part of our new family activities. Alas, skiing, even with a free place to stay, and a b-day gift of season passes, is expensive.

Lunch time at work I’ll catch up. And WIWH, you can always e-mail me at greengablesmb@hotmail.com, if you particularly want my opinion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And WIWH, you can always e-mail me at greengablesmb@hotmail.com, if you particularly want my opinion.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I may take you up on that some time.

WIWH, I did email you that spreadsheet. Write back if you need more info. The subject line is MB - Newly.

Newly,
Got It! Thanx! Already replied back to you

I hope it's easier than the form from child services

Hey GG,

Your dad has a place near Greek Peak? Small freaking world--I live 15 minutes from there.

Martes

P.S. I've been keeping up with your story, but haven't been posting much. It sounds like you're doing well, though, even if your H is acting like a bonehead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Green,


I would take the threat by your STBX about financial support very real. He has never given an ounce of support to the household why would you think he would willingly now that the two of you are divorcing.

I am putting on my bit*$ hat and tell you right off to go for everything you can. I know it sounds harsh but in negotiations you go for everything and then you scale back to what you really want and the other side feels they got a bargain. Just as when you purchase something you give a really low price and work up.

Sit down with your lawyer and discuss everything you legally can have from your STBX and what you want. Then make a plan and work towards it. I know you want a smooth sailing friendly relationship with your STBX but it takes two and he will never be the type of person you want or need.

The books are still there and he still uses your house as his own. He comes and goes when he pleases and now he even only sees the girls when he pleases. He cannot do as he pleases and still expect you to manipulate your life around his. Too bad if he does not wish for you to go skiing. That is his problem not yours. As soon as you started the divorce process he gave up the rights to have input in what you decide to do with the girls durring your time.

As it goes have fun skiing. Yes it is an expensive sport but who cares you saved for it and you should enjoy it. He is driving cross country with a friend. That is expensive as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by martes36:
<strong> Hey GG,

Your dad has a place near Greek Peak? Small freaking world--I live 15 minutes from there.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey m36! Long time no see! LOL So you live 15 minutes from there? I use to live about 30. Been to Dryden/Freeville before?

HoFS

<small>[ January 17, 2004, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

gg-

I get the sense that you and your hubby didn't enjoy skiing together.

I believe that you have earned money to go on the skiing trip with the girls. Their father is responsible for some of their expenses. I don't know for sure where or not what he pays is fair since I don't know the tuition and other expenses but, he should support his daughters some way. If the easiest thing to do is to pay for school rather than split expenses evening and pay 1/2 for everything, then I think that is a good compromise.

Any chance you guys have any of this in writing? Might make things easier in the future. Try not to get on him about what he earns or his earning potential.

My situation is somewhat similar. I'm supporting a STBXW that wants a divorce but is unwilling to move out or pay for household expenses or for any expenses for the matter except for her vehicle related repairs and other things she might buy for herself. Oh, she works part-time and isn't looking for any more work or anything that would help her make more money to support herself or the kids. Everything I bring into the house, she feels she is entitled to from food to writing paper. I was able to cut her off from using my internet service but I can't do it with much other stuff without making a big scene in front of the kids. Putting up with it now for a little bit longer is a sacrifice I'm willing to make so the kids don't see me as a bad guy I guess. I'm bad, I know.

You and the girls' dad are going to exerpience a lot more of these situations. You need to figure out as much as you can ahead of time and get it in writing. You have to anyway if you are going to divorce. If nothing else, it will give you some piece of mind and not look like you are establishing new rules or boundaries.

I know this is difficult and you wish it could go smoothly. You are entitled to some time for yourself and the girls to have fun. That's something I didn't do enough of with my sons. You need to be with your girls and this vacation sounds like fun. Their dad is going to have to come up with ways he can make the best of his time with his daughters. You can't do anything about that. You just be the best mom you can for those precious gifts. Ok, I've rambled enough for a Saturday night. Good luck.

HoFS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi HoFS,

I can't believe you remembered me! I've been keeping up a bit with your story as well. I miss the 'whopper' thread on JFO (even if I mostly lurked), and wonder how P and HT are doing.

I don't post all that much--work and the baby keep me real busy. But I can't stay away from MB--it's truly addictive, and after awhile, you feel really invested in some stories, KWIM? Hard to believe I've been here 4 years!

And yes, I know Freeville and Dryden quite well--they are just down the road in fact. Such a small world....

Martes