</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regarding repentance. There are specific steps to full repentence. First recognition that someone has done wrong. 2nd - Remorse for what they have done and what that wrong has done to others. 3rd. Restitution and Atonement - Restitution where possible, and prayerful attention and reliance upon the Lord for the Atonement to not just heal the sinner but to also heal the sinned-against. 4th. Resolve to never commit sin again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">#1, check. #2, check. #3, I'm having difficulty. #4, check.

It's the "sinned-against" part I can't get past...what Tom did to me still hurts tremendously and I'm still very angry. I don't know how to pray nicely for him. I don't know how to pray for, or about, him at all.

At this point, I'm just trying to think about it all less and less...is that progress or just spinning my wheels?

Praying for him is something that actually comes easy.

"God, get him!" is good - and leave it to God how he GETS him... LOL But, seriously - At first you may intend that for bad, as in God hurt him like he hurt me, but eventually, you will realize God is working in YOUR heart and more and more you will realize that God is taking care of Tom in the only ways that Tom understands. Careful acceptance and admonition - and maybe eventually a changed life - but God knows it's Tom's choice.

Hugs,

Jan

The Atonement, for me, bears weight in the scripture found in Romans 8:28. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If Tom, will of himself be destroyed, Jesus atoned for his sins anyway, and you, as Tom's victim, are the beneficiary. It's what makes survival and recovery possible.

For you, praying for the ability to forgive Tom allows the atonement to have greater effect in your life. The greatest power you have is the choice to forgive - Tom can't make you hold onto any hard feelings against him, although, with the henous nature of his violation of you, he may want you to hurt forever - the healing begins the minute you start seeing the gift of strength and self-esteem you have gained as a result of putting Tom in your past through first leaving, divorcing, and then forgiving.

The Atonement will have power in your life for Tom's sins, whether or not Tom accepts Jesus into his heart and seeks repentence for his crimes.

I'm trying to absorb that. Thank you.

Sometimes I feel this compelling need to talk to Tom, like that would help my understanding of why things happened so I can forgive...but I squelch it...how much honesty could I get, even now, from such a liar? Would probably be a dangerous thing to do.

Sigh.

It's good that you squash the idea of talking with Tom. Think of him as functionally retarded and disabled where his heart and ears are concerned. He hears enough to turn on you and hurt you more. I've rarely encountered someone with a bent to psychologically maim like he did - there is one other who posts on MB boards, and another has recently shown up who demonstrates an inclination to be similar. But Tom is in a class all his own.

Do you have a support system to talk things through when you have the inclination to try to talk things out directly with Tom?

A couple of people, but they've heard the story over and over. I feel bad having to keep spewing.