After not seeing or speaking to my STBXH since 5/02, I saw him Thursday for a deposition in his lawyer's office. He looked terrible. He's gained a lot of weight (I'd guesstimate well over 50 pounds), his skin is sallow, his voice is raspy, he was breathing noisily, and he was talking a mile a minute - my lawyer described it as "diarrhea of the mouth." Needless to say, I was shocked by his appearance even though I was expecting him to look bad since he's an alcoholic/addict.

It took me another day to realize how slick he still is. While I was feeling sorry for him and trying not to feel disgust (since that makes me the bad person who never met his EN for admiration), he was lying about everything that has any significance to his share of the settlement. The court reporter said that she'd never taken a deposition from someone as wild as him before. She told me during a break that she'd been married to a verbally abusive alcloholic herself (she discerned this about him, BTW, from his testimony since we ran out of time for me to give mine).

I realize that I have an expectation that after all the MC, IC, Al-Anon, and MB, I should be able to handle this calmly and rationally and that if I do, the truth will prevail, even though I know that this is unreasonable. As they say in 12-step programs, don't SHOULD on yourself.

Speaking of which, I recently found a book that uses the 12-steps in divorce recovery called Getting Up Getting Over Getting On, by Micki McWade, and there's a companion book called Daily Meditations For Surviving a Breakup, Separation or Divorce.

I guess I just need support or advice, if anyone has any, about how to deal with my crazy feelings and still stay strong during this yucky divorce.

((((((((((((((Lets Try))))))))))))))))))

Sorry..no advice..just support and a hug.

I got through my divorce hearing by just detaching. I didnt even want to look at him. Last time I was alone with him he raised his hands to hit me again and that will never happen again.

I too could tell immediately that he was back on the oxycontins, he yawned very loudly in the courtroom and I was surprised that the judge didnt say something. While I have seem my ex more frequently than you have, he too has put on about 50lbs since he left and his own mother has said that he and OW are "nothing but 2 drunks"

Just know that you did all you could.

Keep your head up high. I took my college textbooks to the cvourthouse since I knew there would be a lot of down time. I focused on making my life better (I got 4.0 last semester!)

He too lied through out the court proceedings, but I had to just let it go. To protest would cause greater pain and$$$$$$$.

Ill get through, and unfortunately I know that he wont. Sad, because I did love him so much at one time, in spite of all his faults. He didnt just empty the love bank. He burnt the whole city down to the ground.

Smiles,
Dawn

LetsTry,

Boy I sure do remember feeling like that at the court dates and meetings and stuff. I'd be pretty cool and together when we were apart and I only had myself to deal with, but as soon as I got into any room with him, I went right back to the old ways and kind of panicked.

Luckily, I bet you'll do what I did. The first time or two that we had a court "meeting" I didn't do so well, and my emotions got away from me (NO! CJ, emotional?) heehee. BUT... I did know better, and I knew how to react better, and I went over each meeting and figured out where I went wrong and what I could have done better and several other options to how I could have responded...responses that I was more comfortable with and were more representative of who I was.

Anyway, the NEXT meeting I went to, I was prepared. For me, I wrote on my hand (because I knew I'd be too nervous and forget). I wrote "Is it a trap?" and "That's your opinion. Mine differs GREATLY." See, my exH made unbelieveable accusations and huge lies just to get me emotionally stirred up so he could say, "See? She's the nutty one" whilst he would remain wound up but relatively calm. In this meeting, he would say a HUGE lie, and I would look at my hand and realize it was a trap to suck me in, and I would respond, "That may be how you saw it, but my point of view differs GREATLY." That way I came across as calm and logical (even though inside I could not BELIEVE what he said!!).

LetsTry, you can do this too. You have the head knowledge to know some tools on how to handle this. In a calmer moment like this, decide what would work for you, and how you want to come across. Learn a few tricks (like I did writing on my hand) to help you when you panic, and practice saying, "You're allowed to have your opinion but my differs GREATLY." Okay?? You can do it.

Now, dear, the truth may not prevail, because in court the truth means nothing. But, what CAN happen is that you can come through this with yourself intact and true to yourself...and that means a lot.

I gotta run!! HUGS!!!


CJ

Dawn and CJ, Thanks so much for your advice and support. I'm much better now. I just got back from dancing at a local coffee house to a great local band.

I'm using a suggestion from the divorce book I mentioned -- I made a "God Can" with a slit in the top and put problems in it and then "turn it over" by turning the can upside down. Amazingly, I did it with my obsessing about this stuff and realized later it had just gone away...

Dawn, Your story is so much like mine, there's nothing I can add. I really couldn't look at him either. Instead, I wrote my lawyer notes while he was talking, which he seemed to find really disconcerting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . I was allowed to have a friend with me because of the restraining order and I actually brought two friends, though one had to sit in the waiting room. Yeah, I also loved my H so much once, it's sad...

cj, Thanks for the hand suggestion. I had written something down on a piece of paper that I got from Melody Beattie's daily meditation book about how sometimes we can walk the gentle path and sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves. I've discovered that I'm a lot more "emotional" going through this whole experience than I ever thought I was before. Maybe that's a good thing.