As I'm going through this journey, I'm sharing with y'all some of the steps, and I think this was one new step. I broke up with someone today.

Now, to clarify, this was not a "hot N heavy" romance kind of thing, but there was a man I had met a few times and went out with a few times. He was cute as a button, and we have very similar personalities and interests and stuff. The problem was this: he was still pretty tangled up with his ex. He behaved like he didn't want his ex to know he was dating, and he didn't like to call in case she'd find out. Yada yada yada. To my mind, that indicated he still was emotionally entangled with her and had not really "gotten over" the divorce.

Here's my point. I can't remember ever having been the one to end it with someone before. I have a bad tendency to hang on WAY too long in a relationship because it has the "potential" to be good, or because I have hope that this or that will change, etc. Plus, I tend to be pretty patient and easy-going so I don't feel a particular need to rush--and I think people take advantage of my ability to wait contentedly.

Sooooo, I gave it some serious thought, expressed my concerns keeping ownership of my own side, and the reply I got back was full of blame, responsibility for his feelings, and projection. That's when I said, "Nope. No longer interested."

I'm proud of myself. I didn't hang in there in a bad situation. I recognized it, used my head to evaluate, didn't let my heart (feelings) override common sense, and was even pretty civil in ending it. Isn't that odd?? I thought I'd be sort of sad when I broke up with someone, and instead I feel pretty good and a little happy.

Boy, this being single is WEIRD!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


CJ

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

Hey CJ,
This must have been the weekend for speaking up. My g-f was supposed to come down this weekend as my d had a b-ball tournament out of town on Sat. I asked her last week to come down and she hem-hawed around and said probably not til Sat and she would call me Fri.

So about 10p Fri nite she called and made small talk and then asked if I would be mad if she didn't come down as she had things to do at home that she could get done because of her kids(her x only takes them every other weekend.)

So I said yes I was mad, I had made plans for her to be with me. I also reminded her that was the problem I had with my x, her work became number one priority. I told her I didn't want to be #3 behind her work.

It also bothered me since the last few time she has come down she has left early, so its been me doing the brunt of the 140 mile round trip.

She assured me she wasn't making work a priority over me, but did have things she had to get done to keep her business solvent for next year or she wouldn't have a job. I understand this, but the problem is she gets involved one or another in all the kids stuff. They both play soccer and she ends up doing registration. The youngest likes to do plays and she ends up helping with costumes.

While nothing was solved, I did feel good about making my points. I never said anything when my x would say she HAD to go to work as somebody called off, so it came off as I was uncaring.

The one thing I have learned in all of this is to communicate.

So way to go for you!!!! I think there are a lot of people who put up with crap in the first relationship out of the divorce which contributes to failed second marriages.

I have a friend who was dating before his divorce was complete and he was talking marriage. She broke it off and now he is asking around about single women we might know. He divorce was just finalized late in the fall.

Hang in!

FW,

you should be very proud of yourself. That is a very important step to self determination. . . being able to see a potentially unrewarding relationship, and saying, "I think i will keep looking."

so, you have done one, you have 29 experiences to go to get to the harley's 30 to then decide that you have dated around enough to

1) be able to identigy a good partner

2) realize that one of the first 30 fit the criteria. . . now what??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

personally i had never "broken up" with someone before i got married, and i remember breaking up with my X while we were dating, and getting sucked back in. . . ooohhhh, never again. . ..

when the signs aren't right, forget it. . .

wiftty

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

RWD,

It's so nice to have a few of us old standby's around, isn't it? Not that I'm saying your old, but rather, a really good, old friend.

Anyway, like you one of the best lessons I have learned from all this is how to speak up when something is bothering me. I find that when I keep ownership of it and say, "This is not working for me" then I can feel abou 99% confident that I didn't state it in a blaming way and just spoke up for what was bothering me at that moment. This also greatly (as in GREATLY) reduces the abuse I have to endure at anyone's hands (co-workers, customers, children and ex included), AND greatly reduces the amount of resentment I feel. I basically use three "techniques."

One is the technique of noticing my own body and feelings. If I hold my breath, I'm usually stopping words from coming out of my mouth that NEED to come out of my mouth. If I have a heavy feeling in my chest, something is wrong--I need to check in and figure out what it is. Oddly enough, being an INFP, I can feel the feeling a lot quicker than I can verbalize it and analyze it enough to explain it to someone else. Also, my own personal weakness: I tend to go round and round and round if I talk before I've figured out exactly what it is that's bothering me, so first I feel ???something???, then I go round and round silently in my head until I can identify it in one sentence or less, and then I say it.

Another technique is the W-T-F-S format. That stands for "When you...I think...I feel...so I'd like to request..." and might go something like this: "When you say you're going to spend time with me on Sunday and you break that promise, I think to myself 'D*mn it! I gave up coffee with the girls so we could be together and now I'm stuck!' and I feel unimportant, so I'd like to request that as soon as you know you won't be able to come over, that you call me and let me know so I can take my friends up on their other plans."

The last technique is that I state my case firmly. For example, just today I was calling a customer who was requesting service but had not ever paid us once for an entire year. I really did very calmly explain that we would not be able to perform additional service until the past invoices were paid in full, at which point the customer started yelling at me because she had only been there a month and she was working with us to fix it, etc. Truly, her voice became loud and upset. So, I stated my case firmly: "Ma'am do not yell at me. I am not the one who has not paid their bill, and I will not accept abuse from a customer. If you calm down, we can discuss this. If not, I will hang up." She responded by saying she could not BELIEVE I had an attitude with her, so I said, "Good bye" and hung up. When she called my boss to yell, he said, "Ma'am I was standing right here when she spoke to you, and she was quite calm. I will not allow my employees to be abused, and you are responsible for not paying your bill, not her." I was STUNNED that my boss backed me, but thrilled too because I just stated my case firmly. It was cool.

Soooooo...I agree with you completely RWD. Communicate! That and wait until you're divorced to start dating (haha). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

**********

sWIFTTy,

My favorite guy in cute little soccer shorts! Hi!! How's the East, my friend, because here in the wild, wild west it was fifty degrees and sunny last week with no snow on the ground at all (ooooo--zing).

Anyway, I had no idea that I had a Harley quota to fulfill--I have to go on 30 dates, huh? Well, I guess a single girl's gotta do what a single girl's gotta do! Sign me up! haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

All kidding aside, I actually do take this as quite a big accomplishment. Heck you know me. I hung in there WAY too long. I don't have regrets over trying so hard though, because I can honestly say in my heart of hearts that I gave it every possible chance. BUT, I did learn a lesson or two along the way: 1) trust your instinct--if all the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up RUN AWAY!! 2) don't look for "potential" or the future or hope this or that will happen--look at what is REALITY and what the person IS...now. I know that people do have the capability to learn and grow and all that, but if it's not working for me, it's okay to honor that and let it go.

Before this, I never broke up with anyone either--that is to say, I'm not the one who initiated the break up. It was an unusual feeling: quite logical and sensible and "wow, this was a good decision for me!" kind of feeling. Do you think maybe I was INFTP at that moment?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Anyways, thanks for writing guys! I'm STILL proud of me and it's days later!!


CJ

FaithfulWife,

YEAH!!!! Feels empowering doesn't it?? like finally taking the control over your life and your choices---

And I think the Harley priniciple about dating 30 people is over the course of your dating life--

So if you only dated your husband--and this one other man--then that's 2 down and 28 more to go--LOL-- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But seriously--I think it's great your learning to stand up for yourself--and what's important to you--as it should be--and one day you'll find a man who loves you and treats you with the love and respect you deserve--

Oh my, gotta go through 30 to find one. YIKES!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I've been out with a total of 4 guys since my divorce. 4 in 5 years. Hmmm. This is not good. In my whole life, I've not been out with 30 guys.

Let's see Jimmy, Bill, Sherman (now he was good looking), another Bill, Pat, Jim, Chris, Bob, and a few more. This is not good. Oh, and one guy named [censored]. That would not have been good. [censored] and Jane. Something about that would have been unacceptable.


CJ - congrats. I've never really had to break up with anyone either. Hmmm, I wonder when I'm going to have to aquire that skill. I don't think it sounds like a fun one but being broken up with is no fun either. Hmmmm.

I just had to throw in my congrats. Congrats on being wise enough to see the pitfalls, brave enough to confront the man, and wise and strong enough to say “Oh, boy, I don’t want this!” and getting out with dignity and grace.