TransformedGF (formely GinnyF)

As per our dv agreement our 2dd's had to spend three weeks with their dad and OW during the summer holidays in December03.

Since they are back with me 11yo has gone in a state of depression. Slowly she is starting to share with me about what happened during that three weeks.

Firstly, OW seems to be obsessed with me.

The OW discussed the following with DD.

I have a boyfriend which they don't know about, that is the reason for me being so happy. I telephoned her to let her know.(lies)

Xh does not need to give me money as I have money.
(He is still paying mortgage on house which is only half of cs he is suppose to pay - refuses to pay the balance of cs until mortgage has been transferred on my name)

I have bad mouthed her by her collegues but they support her fully and think that I am a pathetic woman.(Lies)

Their dad will never take me back. He will never leave her as she makes him soooooooo happy.( Ignorance is bliss)

11yo d was diagnosed with ashtma as a baby. I am also ashtmatic. This was all in my imagination as when you get an astma attack your face is suppose to turn blue, XH, never saw our faces turning blue so he now agrees with her we are not ashtmatic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Everything became too much for my 11yo and she found solace in her bedroom. Xh ask her about her withdrawal. She informs him about what OW speaks about when he is not around. She also tells Xh that we do not discuss or say bad things about OW at our house.

Xh confronts OW, OW, confirms everything that DD has told him but then goes off on a rampage that 11yo DD is trying to cause trouble between the two love birds. Xh, also tells DD that OW has no right to speak such bad things about me to her. (Fog lifted for a second)

So their exclusive holiday was spoilt because OW goes off sulking and Xh is left to look after 4 kids. Hers and ours. They are all miserable.

Children are back with me now and low and behold, 11yo d, receives a letter from OW in the post. She reads it and throws the letter to me to read.

OW, rants and rave about the new house that Xh has just bought her. What a wonderful man he is. Touches on all the weak points that I have identified in our marriage point by point. The weak points in our marraige is now their strong points. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

eg: Xh did not have friends - now he has plenty.
We were couch patatoes - they are living up
Refused to help with house maint - She's never come across such a handyman
They are the ultimate romantics - by torch they went in search of bull frogs on their property at 2 in the morning.

This letter made me sick to my stomach, I knew it was adressed to my daughter but it was intended for me to read. Well, for a moment I was back on the dreaded roller-coaster but thank God I also know that these dreaded feelings will also pass.

I feel so helpless. I can see my child suffering, her therapist informed me their behaviour is short of blackmailing a vunerable
child.

Xh and OW puts her depression down to being overweight. They will now start writing letters to her twice a week with strict instructions to her that I must not see the letters. Xh only communicates with 11yo d, refuses to discuss anything with me. They feel therapy is wasted, I feel she needs it.

As for OW, it seems like she is living with my ghost. I refuse to be drawn into her sick world but am I doing my child justice by always taking the higher road and not acknowledging any of her narcistic behaviour.

Do I now enter the arena and say enough is enough. This is my child and I must protect her or do I silently again carry on with my life - My Plan B and let them keep on fabricating lies about my life.

How does your daughters Therapist say you should respond and what is best for her?

Forward letters to Child Protective Services and minimize OW contact with your daughter.

I am so sorry GF you had to deal with this. Please understand sometimes the WS when they are so out there, will do anything to make their "lies" seem like the "truth". Such is your case.

I second Kayla's idea, but would also call your attorneys immediately. Thirdly if I received such a letter and given explicit instructions like that (my being the child's parent and the damaging content of the other letter), I would also go see a child psychologist who also does court appearances. Tell her what has happened, about the depression, the withdrawals, the lies OW is telling and the letter sitch.

Next I would have my attorneys file contempt or some other charge against them. Give them a specific time period to answer the charges or take them to court to limit custody or do a modification of custody. '

Personally? I think they'd bend. Snap. Your xh knows that OW is running amuck and is outta control. She's a woman consumed with jealousy and rage. She is also VERY PASSIVE AGRESSIVE with your daughter which is dangerous. She "told" on your daughter after your daughter confided in her dad about what OW said and did. She pulled the old "they want us to break up and are all against us and want you back with their mom" crap that OW or OM do when their actions are "found out".

Bluff calling time and get tough with them. I'd feel no pain in pursuing this as my child is more than worth it. If my son starts exhibiting some of this, I'd go for it one hundred percent. They think because he's so young they won't have to deal with it for a while.

First of all I must commend you on getting help for your child...Its not alwaysa easy step to take..I know because Im there now...
i to have a daughter who the ow and her children tortured and caused massive hurt to not only my children and myself. Im lucky in hubby is home and no contact but the scars do linger.

All of the responses you received are good, and I suggest you keep accurate records and forward to your attorney along with the history between all of you.It wouldnt hurt to include your daughters therapists records and comments on this activity and what its doing to your child.I hate to say it but it may come a time when you have to let the lioness out of her cage to protect her young.
And thats strictly to show your daughter and everyone else involved you will not tolerate her being hurt or tortured in this manner.Because thats what it is torture of the worst kind, its affectting your daughter in ways that will time , patience an love to heal but it can be done. It often amazes me what people will do "get back" at one another. I commend you on standing your ground and not playig the mind games...
You will be in my thoughts...THis is a tough path

Hi GinnyF (transformed)

I'm with KaylaAndy. It's time to emerge from Plan B in order to fight for your daughter. The cowardly OW is attacking your youngun as a way of hurting you. That's the lowest kind of evil.

Document, copy letters, and yes, send copies of them to CPS (child protective services) and to your lawyer.

Any mail addressed to your daughter by her Dad and his OW should be handed directly to you and YOU decide if it is fit for her eyes.

The asthma issue is a life and death one. You have a medical diagnosis and documentation.

Your D needs to know you are fighting for her. Even should you lose your cool and swear at the OW on the phone, or swear at her Dad, scarey as it is should she overhear, she'll know that Momma Bear will protect her. That she has ONE parent she means the world to.

Sorry you''re enduring this mess.

GSN: Therapist said that it is difficult for DD to come to terms with the change of identity and personality of XH, they had a very strong bond and she is still holding on to that. DD told therapist that she is the only one who is protecting her dad. She has strong feelings of hatred towards OW but will tolerate OW as not to upset her dad.

She also fears losing me - She feels that I have just cut her dad off and moved on with my life. I need to share more of my raw emotions with her. This is in conflict with the advise from my therapist who suggested that I protect my girls from my raw emotions and create a stable environment for them?

My daughters are not aware of the trauma I've been through with the divorce, how close we were to losing everything as Xh insisted that he wanted to liquidate. How at the final moment I had to beg him to allow me to buy the house even though I can barely afford it. How he said when the cs amount was determined that he was not happy about it but will immediately go back to court for a reduction. His word "I will only pay X amount and they can do with it what they want to".

On our way home from her therapist I shared with her that I will always have a special place for her dad in my heart because he is their dad. Also told her that because I don't speak about dad often does not mean that I have forgotten him said that he was always in my thoughts.

Her words to me "Mum, daddy does not deserve us, he thinks he is happy with OW but if he was so happy why is he always so grumpy when we are with them. Wwe must just forget about him and move on.

Through all this I kept the love and respect that my children have for their dad alive. One day she can read my journal entries to understand the lenghts I went too to protect them from this evil called "infidelity and divorce:.

KaylaAndy: As for CPS, OW's letters are written in such a way that it comes across as being from a very caring and loving person. I am the one reading between the lines. I know her motives. To them it is just another case of the BS wanting to be vindictive. They have it on file but to them they have more serious matters to look at than a wicked soon to be stepmom.

(She told kids they are married, he told kids they are engaged but he is not in a hurry to get married. Stats taking amongst the family 25% say they are married, 75% believe they are not).......lol

PeachY: My atty's are aware of my sitch, unfortunately I am not by means now financially to pursue this matter legally as I still have a huge debt to settle because of the contested divorce.

Hurtmorethanheknows: I have kept journal entries of each and every matter I had to deal with concerning my two girls. As for the lioness coming out of the cage - Me thinks lioness must stay a little longer in that cage. The monkeys are jumping up and down outside the cage because they are waiting on the lioness to attack. The monkeys are starting to attack each other, let them be whilst the lioness is grooming her mane.
In the meantime I will shower my daughters with love and affection, they are more important to me than the monkeys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Bellevue: As for OW foray into letter writing, to my daughter it sure has abruptly come to a stop, I think the postman has dump it with the lost post where it belongs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

As for letters from their dad - with the permission of her therapist this will be screened by me first until such time my 11yo is emotionally stronger.

AS for me: PASSIVE RESISTANCE as advocated by Ghandi has always been my ace up my sleeve. It worked for me when our country was in the turmoil of oppression. My Xh knows this as we were part of the struggle for liberation, unfortunately OW is of european descent and she does not know our roots.

Yet again I find myself going back to my roots and this time around as my parents have taught me about passive resistance, I am teaching my daughters about passive resistance, empowering yourself and letting no man or woman make you believe that you are of a lesser kind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TransformedGF:
<strong> She has strong feelings of hatred towards OW but will tolerate OW as not to upset her dad.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy is your story familiar! Except that our divorce did not involve infidelity. Ex-H moved in with a woman about 2 years after our divorce. My daughters stay with him for 6 weeks during the summer.

This woman did and said so many of the things you described. The girls hated her, but did not want to hurt their dad. So they would complain to me. During the second summer, I drove up half way through visitation and had a heart to heart with ex-H, explained that the girls were uncomfortable with some of K's behavior, etc. Nothing changed.

Last summer I finally had enough. I sent him a long letter detailing 10 or 12 of the most recent objectional behaviors (like referring to Daughter #1 as "the fat slob" in front of daughter #2). When I picked the girls up at the end of the summer, I told him that I would no longer allow the girls to return to his home while she engaged in the unacceptable behavior. He would need to provide me with some kind of proof that she could control herself during their visits, or they could stay at the grandparents' during the visits, or he could come down to our house. But they would no longer sleep under the same roof with her if she remained the same way. I stressed for about the 50th time that I was afraid he was irrevocably damaging *his* relationship with the girls by allowing this woman to abuse them.

He has a hard time understanding why they would not come to him directly about the problem, but while they would discuss it with him if I was there, they did not like bringing it up at all to him. They found that he would immediately go to K, and then she would retaliate. Anyway, the end result was that he broke up with her and she moved out.

Now, if I could just find a way to get him to pay child support....

KS41: Like you I have tried speaking to him regarding the well being of the children. On the few occassions I tried speaking to him, he would acknowledge what I was saying, his eyes would tear up he will promise to do something about it but ZILTZ. As soon as he is back with OW it is the same old story.

Her therapist also spoke to him, therapist said XH did not say a word.

I have reached the point where when my xh speaks I listen to determine who is speaking. Is it the concerned father or is it the OW'S words.

When I spoke to him about 11yo's depression he blamed it on her being overweight, not being disciplined. I listened but knew it was the words of the OW and just ignored it. I agreed with him when he said it can also be hormonal. She had just started menstruating.

As for CS, since the dv he has come up with so many excuses for not paying. Thus far I have been very tolerant as there is still some financial matters that I need to settle from my side. As soon as that is settled I will have to go to court to get a garnishee order on his salary. So whilst i am struggling financially he and OW is travelling overseas, bought a new luxurious house and yet plead poverty when it comes to money matters concerning the children.

My 11yo asked him to buy her some stationery for school which cost $1.87 he said he did not have money and mum must buy it. This is the CEO of one of the biggest companies in our country and he also ranked amongst the highest salary earners in out country.

I thank God for discovering MB and for my psycologist because without them I would not have known that this is normal behaviour for a WAH. Now it does not hurt me anymore when XH behaves like this.

My 11yo is starting to ssettle down now, she is back at school, still very quite but I did notice that she is seeking a lot of attention and love from me now.

Last night she asked me to check on her during the night and give her a kiss whilst she was sleeping. So I set my alarm for 3am got up put lipstick on my lips and kissed her. This morning we were laughing, she said I was crazy to put lipstick on my lips at 3am. I told her it was to show her how much I love and care for her.