Sorry in advance for the long post, just need to tell someone what's going on.<p>Met my W in 94 while I was in the military. Our first date was on new years eve, celebrated the coming of 1995 together. We quickly realized that we had alot in common, and we got along GREAT. Other couples always told us we acted as if we were made for each other. Things weren't perfect, but what is. Learned about my W, she had a rough childhood, alcoholic mother, abusive step-mother, father who wasn't and just generally lacked any stability in her life. Me, my mother was /is a paranoid schitzophrinic ( sp? ) my Dad was / is a GREAT guy, who stayed married to my mother for my sake..he was truly afraid of not ever being able to see me if they split. Never got along with my mother, and she tried to drive a wedge between me and my father...it didn't work, although we had more than our share of fights and differences, ( mostly because we are alot alike ) we are very close. I went in the military...met my now wife. IT was great...I'd had plenty of relationships, but never "clicked" with anyone, and never could truly say I'd loved any women...I fell for her in a heartbeat. We dated, then ended up moving in together. This was mainly caused by her losing her place to live ( with her mother ) and she would have moved back to her hometown, 3 hours away. We were TRULY happy...we spent all our free time together...I'll NEVER forget those days. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. It was, and still is the happiest day of my life when she said yes to me. We both wanted kids, but at the time, because of previous medical issues, she was under the impression she most likely couldn't have children. After trying and trying ( that was half the fun ) she was told she was pregnant right before she was supposed to have exploratory surgery done. <p> Lookng back now, I realize there were issues there...maybe I just ignored them, figuring that they would just go away. She is not an emotional person...I've only seen here cry a handful of times. Once was when her grandmother died..the morning of my birthday ( the first one we had spent together ) she was so excited about my birthday, and she ended up burying her grandmother.<p> Her sex drive is far less than mine.. back then , I wanted to make love everyday, try new things, anything with her. She enjoyed making love with me, but didn't / doesn't enjoy the leading up to part...I did everything I could to please her...and as far as I know ( from her ) she's never had an orgasm. We talked about this, and she was frank and told me that sex wasn't that important to her. But the weird thing is, as we were young and not parents at the time, we did our fair share of going out and drinking etc, and she LOVED to kiss, make out, and make love to me after "loosening up" with a few drinks...it's like she lost her inhibitions regarding sex.. We grew closer.. then she got pregnant. We both were VERY happy and excited..and also a little scared I guess. She had a good pregnancy, no complications, and we were even able to use my VA loan and buy a nice house before the baby was born. I even got a good job with a high tech company and was allowed to leave the military a few months early to start this job. She became a stay at home mom......she had always said she wanted to be there for her kids..Our son was a GREAT baby...never fussing that much, and when he was 6 months old, she even expressed wanting another child..I did very much, but was worried about the financial aspects, as making it on one income can be difficult. My son started walking at 9 months, and was / is VERY VERY active. My Dad had expressed how much like me he is and he constantly kept her running.
Looking back I realize I drew away from her then. I was worried about finances, and at the same time I couldn't stand to tell her we didn't have the money for something..it made me feel like a failure...so I made some rotten financial choices. Keep in mind my wife never asked for much at all. The talk of more children faded, and my wife even expressed feelings she didn't want anymore children... I was devestated, but never realy brought it up, as I felt it was her body and her decision.<p> Around this time, I guess her being in the house all the time, and me not being there as much as I should, started her feeling depressed..as she had always been and is a very independent person. She started having "panic attacks" and it got to the point where she couldn't ride in the car unless she was driving or she would get sick.<p> Our sex life had tapered off to maybe once a month..I was always the initiator, and she felt I only came to bed when she did when I wanted to make love. ( I'm a night owl even though I get up early and I can see where I messed up ). Our love life always seemed to take a backseat to everything else, then it seemed EVERYTHING took a backseat to our son...I hate to say it, but I resented it..I felt that I was the least of her worries....affection started to falter, and I couldn't tell you the last time she told me she loved me or kissed me , unless she was repeating the I love you from me saying it or "allowing" me to kiss her. That summer, she told me she didn't feel the same way about me anymore, she loved me, but wasn't "in love" with me. I was torn up..but like a dummy I buried my head in the sand and I guess I figured it would go away...STUPID THING TO DO I KNOW. I buried myself in work, working on cars, anything to not think that my wife didn't love me anymore.
Around this time she started seeing a doctor and was put on Paxil for anxiety attacks. What little sex life we had faded off into nothing. Finances got worse, and at one point I worked two full time jobs. Then I was laid off unexpectedly, and things got bleak. Bill collectors calling the house everyday, I'm sure it was driving her crazy. She had also started babysitting other children at home, and this didn't help either I'm sure. Finally I found a good, STABLE job, but with a much lower INITIAL salary. She expressed ( as she had MANY times before ) that she wanted to find a job outside the home. I encouraged her to do what she wanted either way. After seeing her doctor again, she was taken off PAxil and put on Welbutrin around this time. Our sex life still didn't ( and doesn't exist ) it was a year since we have made love this past December 21st. That means we never made love the entire year of '01 so far. She has told me that she doesn't think she should do anything she doesn't want to, and she feels no desire to make love to me.
We've talked several times about our marriage, and she has said she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. She just says it's not the same. She doesn't want to leave or me to leave, but she's unhappy...as I am ( I'm finally admitting to myself ). She doesn't show any emotion to me or concerning our marriage at all. She just says that's the way she is...if I even bring the subject up, she gets MAD quick and says it's the same old thing..she has told me she wants to get counseling, and see if we can make it work, but she doesn't know what to do and maybe a counselor can help with that. I finally broke down this Christmas eve... I was driving home from attending a funeral of a friend's child she was VERY close to...( she practically raised that child ) and she fell asleep as did my son... I broke down... I silently wept off and on for the entire 3 hours drive...I've never cried that much in my life all other times combined. I couldn't stop feeling so sad..knowing I love her SO MUCH, my wife and my son are EVERYTHING TO ME...if I lost her or him, I don't know what I'd do. I finally broke down in front of her while she was wrapping gifts...she jus got mad. Told me what great timing I had always bringing this up at the worst times... she never showed any emotion except for anger. She just told me she was unhappy, and hadn't felt the same about me in 2 years or more....she said she didn't know why, her feelings had just changed. She says there is no one else, and she wants to get counseling..but since she just started a new job , she wants to be able to get through her training, and so we've decided to seek counseling in two weeks..enough time for her to get settled in the new routine.<p> I try to do as much as I can for her..helping with the house, our son, dinner, chores etc... I try not to force affection on her or smother her. I want to kiss her and hold her everytime I see her.. instead I settle for the occasional hug and peck. I can't remember the last time we shared a "real kiss", and it HURTS. Instead of holding her close at night like I want to, I settle for our legs touching...when we wake up I rub her back and shoulders without being asked....I even ask her is she wants me to rub her back etc, and alot of times she just says it wouldn't help. I can't even remember the last time I saw her naked...sounds stupid I know, but she'll even go in the bathroom to change if I'm in the bedroom, and if I walk in the room when she's changing, she covers herself from me. I listen to her talk of her friends, her new job, anything she wants to talk about..I try to joke, smile, goof around with her, but at the hint of a discussion, I make her so mad in SECONDS, we end up not speaking...then she'll ask me what's wrong when I go silent. I just don't want to make her unhappy or upset her. Deep down, I have this feeling, that if I never said anything about out marriage, and never mentioned counseling etc, it would just drag on as it is..... I find myself wondering if she would even care if I left...I even had the thought at the funeral the other day, that if I died, would she even cry? Would she be sad a losing her husband, or just sad for our son losing his father? I know it sounds crazy, and I feel like I am going crazy. I've read the Emotional Needs list, and she won't let me meet most of them..it's as if she doesn't have these needs..at least where I'm concerned... I begged her to show some reaction or emotion the night I lost it, and she just stared at me...saying she didn't know what I wanted her to say or do....<p> I'm committed to trying counseling...but everyday it scares me.. what if the couselor can't help and decides that she doesn't love me anymore......is that it?!?! Everything I hold dear in this life would collapse in an instant....... and know since she's working out of the house, because she doesn't feel anything towards me, what happens if she meets somebody she feels attracted to?? <p> I'm normally a VERY confident person. I'm not a small, withdrawn man..I'm pretty big, and outgoing.... I'm sure of myself in every other aspect EXCEPT my marriage...I wonder EVERYDAY what I've done wrong to make her not love me...I've been through LOTS of things that hurt, but NOTHING COMPARES to this..I'm scared everyday that I'm losing her for good...<p> Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be next to her again lying in bed, just BEING with her.. I wonder if I'll ever hear say I Love you the way she used to...I wonder if I'll ever make her smile the way she used to....<p> Again, sorry for the length, just needed to tell someone...I'm grapsing at straws here and I hope with EVERYTHING I have that counseling can make it better....I just want her to love me again..I'd do anything....I can't stand the thought of not being with her, and ending up a weekend Dad to my son.....<p>
Thanks for the bandwidth<p>
Chris

Chris,<p>I hope this helps but I feel your pain. I am also in a loveless marriage at this point and don't want to loose what I have or give up. Is this called co-dependent or not, but I have been told that I am the strong one for continuing to trying2makeit work. Hang in there.

Sorry to hear your story. Im in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for about 2 years, together 3 and 1/2. Met, clicked, fell in love, moved in together, had a baby, got married, had another baby, fell into everyday routine, I work, he works, Im unhappy, hes unhappy, he wants sex, im too tired. We had a BIG argument, the next day I went to work, he called and said he would be staying at a hotel that night, I just said ok. Kids went to his moms, I went out with a friend for a while, came home, called him just to ask if he was alone, he said yes he was going to sleep. I went to sleep. Next day, he called again and said he would not be home. I hurt, I cried, I begged! no luck. He did come home. the next day. He changed his mind from total divorce, to only seperating to he doesnt know how he feels. Our problems are not important (Id ramble on forever) What is important is that I found this site and it has helped me better than any counselor ever could. I wanted to seek help, but my husband did not. He is not a talker anyway so I agree it would not have helped in our situation. Have your wife visit this site. If you have not learned a lot from this site, read it again!!! All of it!! I learn something new all the time. Back off your wife. Dont make her think about how unhappy she is, just try to make her happy. Right now is the time to try harder than ever. New doors are opened every day in life, and old ones close. Take your son somewhere for the day(a day your wife is not working!) Let her have a day of freedom. Falling into the routine of motherhood can suck!!! Although we love our children more than anything in the world, it is nice to sometimes just have to worry about 'you'. Cook dinner, let her relax, take a bubble bath, and have a good evening together. Then just let her go to sleep. Dont remind her that things are not perfect. Let them feel that way. If shes still there with you theres a chance. And to help with the sex life she really needs to see this site!! It just made me understand men so much better. Just remember that things dont get better overnight!!! Best of luck!!!

Hello TryingInVa,
Just wanted to say hello and that you found the right place to come for support. There are alot of great people here. Can't offer much advice, new here and have alot going on but I can offer a hug and good thoughts that you will get through this. You are not alone...Happy New Year,
*T*

Dear Chris:<p>I very much hear yor pain and am experiencing almost the identical thing with my wife; the only real difference is that we still have occasional sex. I'm thinking alot about your situation and think you are a credit to most men by continuing to love your wife when she is making it very difficult for you to do so.<p>God bless.<p>Beeceemark