We had a very happy marriage for 7 years, started building a barn, he seemed to be stressed & going thru mid-life crisis all same time, then I found out my H had an affair. It was almost 1.5 ago now, we did counseling after he told me & said he wanted to work things out and it was over with OW, however he never really quit seeing or talking to OW, he would for awhile then go back & forth. I only asked 3 things of him when he told me: honesty, quit communication w/her & give this 100%. Seemed to work for awhile but then I found out communication was still going on & is still to my recent findings. After confronting him again, he said he wanted divorce, told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore. We had several confrontations, then he seems like he misses me & starts with us again, the back & forth stuff I've read about. Then he told me he filed for divorce, I asked when I would get papers, he refused to answer & I hired an atty but he still has not filed, it's been several weeks & now he is acting like he wants to work it out again but won't say so. I've tried Plan A for too long now & want to go to Plan B, however he refuses to move out. We have 6 horses together, both want to stay in house & farm. Both have teenagers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> from other marriages living with us. I really believe if I could get him to move out that he would realize all he is losing but he won't budge. He is very stubborn & I believe that if I file for divorce that is the end, with no possible reconcilliation but I am sick of rollercoaster & don't know what to do???HELP. I've read alot on this site & it has been so helpful to me.

lovelost

LL, I’m so sorry. Here’s the advice Steve Harley gave me: ask him to move out. If he won’t, start visibly making arrangements to move out yourself. Find a place for your horses. Find a place for you and the children. All the children, even his. Start packing your bags. If he still refuses to move, you go ahead and move out. Handing him a plan B letter.

Cerri gave me different advice, albeit belatedly since I only talked to her after I moved out. She suggested simply waiting until my husband was gone and changing the locks, packing his bags and writing the plan B letter.

The important thing about Plan B is no contact means no contact. You need to pick a go-between to help make arrangements for the children and the horses. Have you told the necessary people about the affair? His family, yours, your spiritual guides, your friends? Sometimes that can be a big help. You should get the support you need, and he’ll have to start facing up to the reality of what he’s done.

The risk you run with Plan B is he’ll chose the other woman. That’s a risk you must be willing to face if you implement Plan B. Where I live, horses mean money. And if you end up separated for a long time or divorced, you may not be able to keep 6 horses, let alone your other standards of living. But, if you stay in the current situation, eventually you will hate his guts. Plan B is a method of conserving whatever love you have left for this man, and is not a guaranteed instrument of change.

Does this help at all?

I can't move out either if I want to keep my farm, it's not that easy to move horses and my intention and feeling is..that if he wants to choose the OW and new life then he should move and that is where the stalemate begins..Also his daughter & I are on good terms but he has portrayed his behavior to his son with many excuses and there was a jealousy issue with son so son doesn't want any part of me and H & his ex would never let me take them even though I have pretty much raised both of them for many years. His ex does support me & wants this to work out because she knows it is best for the children for it to be reconciled.

Yes, his family & friends do know & are very supportive. They know that all his behavior is very out of his normal character & are extremely disappointed & upset with him. I still go to church with both of his parents every week but my husband used to be the dedicated church goer and since this all happened he has only been to church once (at another church), I believe he was probably riddled with guilt & refuses to return to any church. His normal character is very religious & faithful and I'm sure he is still having trouble living with his poor choices, he has claimed that the affair has been over for long time (he knows OW cheated on him) but they still communicate like they are still involved (all hours of day & night)and he disguised her name on his cell phone as another but I confirmed that it is her & he is still talking to her. So if he's not seeing her then why the secrecy? Now he has password lock on phone. He has been acting like he wants to work things out more than I have seen previous but has still not said he wants to work on our marriage & whenever I've tried to talk about it it seems to push him further away.

Talk to your lawyer. See if you can pack your H's bags, and change the locks on the doors. Prepare the children in advance. Step-son may need to go visit his mom for the first day or so, especially if she is supportive of your choice right now.

Choose someone who can be trusted to support your marriage as the go between.

If your house is big enough, you may be able to do an in-house separation. The more separate, the more regulated, and scheduled the better.

That is if you really want to change the situation whatever the cost.

For me, Plan B and separation came only when I didn't care what the price of separating was, I knew the price of staying in the same situation was too high. For me there was no real risk, becuase I was through.

For others, Plan B, separation and in-house type separation are calculated risks aimed at saving their marriage. But even so they are willing to pay the price if they lose the gamble.

In my state, I can't force my spouse to leave the marital home even though it's mine as specified in the pre-nupt. But, if I change the locks it makes it really hard for him to get back in.

I did talk to my attorney, she said no I can't lock him out or force him to move. We are virtually seperated in same household (he sleeps on couch or upstairs if kids are gone) & have seperated horse duties but it is too difficult this way, I can't keep the space this way and he seems content to live this way.

I left in my first marriage, gave him house & everything but I am not doing that again especially since I don't want a divorce at all.

Thanks for the suggestions, I keep hoping one will work.