I am ending my 9 year relationship, 4 year marriage with my husband. He is already planning to move in with OW as soon as our D is final. He has been out of the house for two months now and I have been feeling lonely for 8 months. I have been going to a counselor and reading MB website since Sept. 2003. Is it too soon for me to begin dating again, even just on a platonic level? I have been approached by some men who want my company and already know what situation I am in. I am not sure if I will ever marry again, but I feel like I need a male companion to help me deal with the lonliness. Any thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by olivia 27:
<strong> I feel like I need a male companion to help me deal with the lonliness. Any thoughts? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thoughts:

Let's adjust your quote just a bit here:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I need a drink to help me deal with the loneliness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I need a fix to help me deal with the loneliness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I need to go party to help me deal with the loneliness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I need any mind-numbing substance, activity or person to help me deal with the loneliness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're walking into an addiction trap any way you look at it.

Realize that the only thing you need to deal with loneliness is inner peace. Some people find God to be the greatest source of peace. Some people find that serving others brings them peace. Some people find that taking on a self-improvement program and just focusing on being a better self brings them peace.

If you run from that fear that you will never have it and seek to numb the pain through any artificial means, you will find yourself deeper in a pit and more lonely when you come to yourself than you were before you veered off the path of seeking peace.

Don't just jump into the same excuses that your STBX did and break your promises too before the contract is dissolved.

You have too much going on to date someone right now. I dated too soon and all I ended up doing was hurting other people. If you need to get out, go out with friends. As far as loneliness goes read books and search the internet for solutions. Prepare yourself for the rest of your life. Learn to be independant and selfsuficient. Then you will be ready to really date.

I agree with KA except about the party. What’s wrong with going to a party to get over being lonely? Or to get through the night? Provided that the party is given by friends, and it’s not a swingers party or a match-making party.

This is a great place to get through the night. I well remember nights where I posted “Help – It’s Saturday night and I’m sitting home doing nothing!” And lots of people came to the rescue. And we joked.

Loneliness won’t kill you. It stinks, but it’s not deadly in the short run. Besides here, I had other techniques. I’ve been working my way through Shakespeare and lately Milton’s Paradise Lost. The Bard and the Blind One with their elegant words of wisdom and understanding have seen me through a couple of tough nights.

And my family and girlfriends. I’ve found that girlfriends can fill all but 2 or 3 ENs. Filling time with girlfriends is awesome. And so is going to yoga class every free night. Which is what I did. And still often do. But I find I have less and less free nights now that I’m back in the house.

The loneliness will pass in time, especially once you have a routine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> I agree with KA except about the party. What’s wrong with going to a party to get over being lonely? Or to get through the night? Provided that the party is given by friends, and it’s not a swingers party or a match-making party. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I should have explained the context of the word "party" - in the circles I've moved in as a reporter and an assistant program director at a psychiatric hospital, "Party" means getting high, stoned, snozzled, looped, and anything else to avoid pain that should be faced and dealt with.

Going to a party, having fun with a group of people - no one-on-one stuff with opposite sex, etc. is a great way to mingle and heal. But not to escape loneliness. Imagine going to a party where everyone seems "connected". It would be hard to not feel lonely in those settings, and sink into a pity-party.

Just some things to think about. As they used to say in one of the therapy groups I sat in on at the hospital: "Are you drinking for the taste, or for the effect?" We all know what the effect of using in the addiction sense of the word means. NUMB. NUMB. NUMB.

Olivia,
You can't be happy with anyone else until you can be happy with yourself. You need this time to heal and to learn just who you are. Get involved with things that interest you. Work on yourself and when you feel good about yourself again then look at dating.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jillybean36:
<strong> Olivia,
You can't be happy with anyone else until you can be happy with yourself. You need this time to heal and to learn just who you are. Get involved with things that interest you. Work on yourself and when you feel good about yourself again then look at dating. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is VERY good advice.

I jumped into dating about a month before my divorce was final and it ended quickly and badly because I simply wasn't ready to start dating again.

So I swore off dating anyone for a year, and I suggest you do the same.

I know, a year sounds like an eternity, but it pays off. Look at it from the other person's perspective: The last thing someone wants in a companion is someone who's needy and still hung up on their ex!

Would you want to date someone who's "on the rebound"? I wouldn't...and you know what? A divorcing or recently divorced person is on the biggest rebound ever!

Take your time. Realize that being alone does not mean you have to be lonely.

Your heart is probably in shambles right now. You probably would be a very needy companion now and that is no way to start a new relationship.

I read Terry Waite's autobiography- the envoy of the Anglican church who was held hostage in Lebanon for a minimum of three years. He had a quote from Augustine in his book and it meant so much to me.

"To have peace, you must know yourself. To know yourself, you must be alone."

At the time I read the line, I was going through the divorce. No dates. No prospects. Didn't run from them but rested in that time and space to recover and begin to grow again.

I would take nothing for the peace and self-knowledge I found during that time.

Thanks everyone. I know in my heart I am not ready. It is definitely too soon for me to date. A party sounds like a good idea, so I will definitely try that. I made plans to go to a day spa on Valentine's Day because this will be the first time in my adult life that I have been without a partner. I will also go out with some of my girlfriends who are unattached.

I have another issue now, but will begin a new post. Please continue to help this newbie!

There you go, a spa with some friends. Ohh... that sounds good to me. Yes, to be by yourself on Valentines is going to be different, lonely, nope, happy with yourself, yep. Just different.

The situation of dating, you shouldn't date until at least 1 year to 2 years. You are finding yourself, finding out where you yourself can change to be a better person. Getting your life in order, and working on yourself. To start dating even before you are divorced, is adultery. You are legally married to your spouse, and do you want to commit sin like your spouse? No!

Take this time to find yourself, and find your inner peace. It is hard for the betrayed to do this, while the wayward spouse sits with his OW, and did all those lustful things, while you were sitting in pain and misery. But in time things will get better.

Along with the spa, how about a nice little light lunch. Sounds good!