Last Sunday this’s happened for the first time:

My (X)H took our 2,3 yrs. old son for 5 hours (usually his visit lasts 1-2 hours) and when they came back, my son was mad (seeing his dad leaving)...
Moreover, a half hour later when I was feeding him, he said to me: "Mom, I'm going to cry now." His face was sooo sad… made my whole heart crying life out of it…

I told him (calm cheerful voice) – You had a nice time with daddy? Are you now sad because dad is gone? (He nodded.)
That’s OK, but hey – he’ll come again to see you and wou’ll have even greater time with him again!!! In the meantime, what would you like to do/play now with your mom?

The rest of the evening I spent every minute with him playing…... and he was laughing happily (the most beautiful music in (my) world)...

He was fine just 5 minutes after he had said that… but, I’m still… very sad… and scared…

What can I do to minimize this ‘separation anxiety’ after these visits?
How to make ‘returns’ of my son easier for him?

Thanks!

<small>[ January 21, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

Know that this is a grieving period for the kids too, and its good for them to acknowledge and deal with their feelings.
There are many good books on how to talk to your kids about this.
Dinosaur's Divorce is a comic book for young children to help them understand.
It's hard on you too, but you'll learn what you can do to soften the transition. You already have. One book says to make sure not to schedule things on the transition night, but to instead focus on your children. Trust your instincts here.

Thanks, newly! Ill look for that book, and the other ones too...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One book says to make sure not to schedule things on the transition night, but to instead focus on your children.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought to schedule (and focus), like, to go visiting some little friends of his... No good idea?

I made him the meal he likes most, played and sung his most loved songs... and (as I always do) kissed him a lot and many times stated I loved him so much... still I'm afraid it isn't enough...

Yes, I don't show I haven't learned to cope with this situation, hope I'll learn it too...
For the time being I just try to be - optimistic (in front of my son... it's much harder to convince myself...)

As difficult as it is to transition, you know in your heart that it's important for your child to spend time with both parents.

And if you want to schedule activities, just watch your son's moods for clues on what is best for both of you.

I know that my girls like down time with mommy on their returns. And I had previously overscheduled them.

Regardless of their age, kids get it. And it is our responsibility to make it as easy as possible on them. They did not ask to be put in this position, but in many cases, it is the best outcome.

I fully agree with you...
and will be watching my son's reactions, wishes...

Sometimes I hope he's little one and will adopt (won't remember this time of transition)... on the other hand, I'm aware of negative consequences in the future if this is not handled properly now...

It's a good attitude to have.
Later, there is a children's divorce/death adjustment program called Rainbows which you can look up at www.Rainbows.org

It helps children deal with their feelings. The pastor who ran our program said the children experience divorce at every age, ie. their view at 3 is different than at 7 or 10. We will be dealing with this for our entire lives.

My goal is to raise emotionally healthy children so they are able to make good choices for themselves.

I've got that link already (thanks!!), just thought my son is too little...(?)
(He speaks though... two languages... and it seems like he understands 'everything' I say...)
Anyway, I encourage him to show his feelings, explaning they are ok and it's ok to think that way sometimes... but still, don't want to SHOW him a special treatman for this new situation, but as it is quite normal one - mom and dad don't leave together but our family still lives...

I was reading that 'rituals' can help... like doing the same things when kids go with noncustodial parent (e.g. give him the same toy), and when the child returns (e.g. going to the store, buy the grocery, prepare together the same meal, etc.)

... Going to find out which 'ritual' he'd like most... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Our Rainbows started a younger children's program called Sunbeams when I brought my 3 YO along.
I know they got alot out of this, so I highly recommend it, but know that it's hard to find in many areas.

You sound like you have the right actions and attitudes. Books can really help to find the right words/actions in this new territory in which we find ourselves.

Hope you are right (that I have right attitude...)
I try, at least, and, as you must know, it's hard... to distinguish our rational thinking (what's the best for kids and us) and our emotions (still feeling hurt, angry, unadequate as a woman, sad...)

The hardest part is not to show my son what I do think of his father... and I have to find the way to see ONLY his (X's) positive sides... for a healthy growth of my son's sake...

Also, I'd like some wise words on this:
My son will live with me and have his dad's visitations. With me, besides playing and enjoying time, he'll have some duties, responsibilities... and his dad will have just fun (I know him...), which is easy for a couple of hours...
So, my son will see in him just fun and joyful time...
Will he love him more than me, moreover respect him not seeing the other side (cannot see unless you live with), will he leave me and go to him...?
(Trying not to be selfish and possessive, but stil havin fear...)
How do I cope with this?

... I know I'll respect my son's choice once he's old enough...
But, what I'm afraid of (maybe didn't explain well previously), that he'll choose his father style of life, if he sees it as much more fun in life... and not to grow as a responsible and honest person that I'd like him to become...
Confusing... ?

Now it will seem like fun time, but either parent can do this. As your son ages, both of you need to set appropriate boundaries.
These will become easier as your son becomes school age because bedtimes must be consistent, both need to ensure homework is done, etc.

If you are very concerned, you can include that both of you attend a parenting class, or include reference for counseling to resolve differences.

We agreed to go to parenting classes... hope this won't just be in-vain-agreed as usually with him...
Didn't find Rainbows near me... but will find more books about it, also will begin some classes here related to this (a la divorce support group - parents and kids).

Thanks Newly very much!
(Kisses for your daughters! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )