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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37 |
My partner is having an affair.
We are both to blame for this happening, primarily for letting issues stew and fester instead of dealing with them head on and properly at the time.
I'm deeply in love. And would love to work on our relationship, but it's decided.. it's over as the other indicates they want to leave for the new interest. because there is no love for us. The new interest is also married.
I have gone through alot of self assement and reading and have learned alot about myself and our relationship and how it went bad.
Should I educate and communicate these to the other while we are breaking up or let the other go in hopes that they fall into the same trap.
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016 |
My partner is having an affair.
Married or not?
Same sex?
How long together?
Are you male or female?
Should I educate and communicate these to the other
Yes you should communicate that you love this person and want it to work out between you but no you should not try to "educate" them on relationships.
while we are breaking up
What do you mean, "while we are breaking up?"
Are you broken up (one of you moved out and you are not communicatiing witht he other) or is it just sort of falling apart?
or let the other go in hopes that they fall into the same trap.
The same trap as?
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37 |
Together for 15 years, different sex, I am male.
We are wrapping things up... house for sale.
Maybe trap is a bad word.
I should have said
let her make the same mistakes as in our relationship.
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016
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Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 8,016 |
Are you married to her?
We are wrapping things up... house for sale.
Why sell the house?
Maybe trap is a bad word.
I should have said let her make the same mistakes as in our relationship.
And you could keep her from making mistakes by how?
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37 |
- We are Married
- Selling the house for fianancial reasons, neither one could carry the mortgage alone.
I have gone through alot of self assement and reading and have learned alot about myself and our relationship and how it went bad.
I believe I have uncovered behavior patterns that she commonly displays that do not lead to a healthy relationship. I was asking if I should let her know ?
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 9
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 9 |
Dear HRB, no I don't think you should let her go. Did you tell her that you have done some soul searching and have read books to try and save your marriage. Have you tried Plan A?
It's not too late, tell her that you want to save the marriage and would like to go to mc to see if you can work things out. I think you should try everything you can to show her how you feel, hope this helps -
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37
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OP
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Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 37 |
Thanks JustLost
I have expressed these things to her.
she's staying the line and committed to moving on with the new other. I geuss I have to let her go.
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 600 |
HRB,
Have you thought about reading some of Dr. Harley's stuff posted on this site? He makes some very good points.
"I believe I have uncovered behavior patterns that she commonly displays that do not lead to a healthy relationship. I was asking if I should let her know ?"
Any conversation that starts out with: "Now I don't want to start an argument, but let me tell you what is wrong with you!" isn't going to work. Trying to tell her about her behavior would be like trying to teach a pig to dance. It's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig.
A good part of life lies not only in knowing what to do, but what it is your place to do. Given what you have told us so far, is sure isn't your place to tell her what you have seen in her behavior as a result of your soul searching.
You can't change her. The only person you can change is you. That is where soul searching is supposed to lead, to you, not her.
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