I guess OM decided to move on without her, we have been talking for the past month now about trying to rebuild our relationship.

Can it happened!!!! I would certainly give it a try, says to me that she F**ked a good thing, and has finally began to realize her mistake. She missess being with the kids, doing things with me and as a family. I missed that too. Is she coming out of the fog or just one of her game to cling on to me again until she finds someone else? She wants to move away and start all over, wants to go to a counsellor with me.

I am careful about this situation and trying not to get myself caught up in false hope, right now I am playing her game until I am sure she is sincere about wanting to rebuild. Right now we talk everyday on the phone (kinda nice)we see each other almost everyday and do things with the kids. She even mentioned that even after our divorce, she still felt like she was married to me. I guess staying in touch with each other has a lot to do with it. What is a good indication that X really wants to rebuild?

I have heard and read that rebuilding after an affair (even though the BS went through so much pain) that the relationship becomes even stronger. I made it a point that I would be more caring to her EN that ever before, and she would do the same for me.

AAA:

I think you're doing this just right. Play it slow. Keep up the friendly talk and get-togethers. I wouldn't just move away 2 start over. You can start over without doing that. But going 2 a counselor 2gether is a great idea.

Consider one of the Harleys or Cerri?

best,
-ol' 2long

anything can happen, but you treat this just like you would a new relationship with someone you had just met. Apply all the MB principles, see how she acts, and wait at least a year before living together....if she can't remain exclusive with you, apply all the rules of protection willingly, meet your EN's cheerfully and lead an exempleary life...then you got to wonder why remarry. Likewise yourself, you have to see whether you really want "her" or just the family picture. This is not about history, not about kids, this is about how well do you fit, can she be trusted, can she poja, can she give and recieve radical honesty, and can she be a safe/healthy/nurturing/joyful mate for the next 40 50 years.

What you are in now is a rebound situation, she has nothing else going, so you look good....you are still reeling, and hope she is not who you found her out to be.....and you are exploring who you are, and what you want as well.....everyone loves a fairytale ending, so there is a natural pull for these kinds of "recoveries"...but that is the wrong reason. You should not marry (or remarry) anyone without a long hard look at them, over a long period of time.

<small>[ January 22, 2004, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

sufdb, that is some great advice. I was in the exact same situation as AllAloneAgain, his situation is identical to mine. Wife wasn't happy with me, had an affair, and divorced me.

A week before the divorce, she temporarily stepped out of the fog and wanted to work things out. She had put me through hell and I told her I needed time to think about it. A few hours later she changed her mind and said forget it, she took that as more rejection from me, and that she was in-love with her boyfriend. The divorce took place and was final. 2 months later, she said she was marrying this guy. A week later she said that was too big a step and changed her mind. A week after that she dumped her boyfriend and wanted to work on things. So I said okay, let's do this and my hopes skyrocketted. 3 weeks later she changed her mind and said she was still in love with a-hole and felt nothing for me. 2 days later that changed again and she wrote me a 14 page letter apologizing for everything she had done, said she loved me, wanted this to work, and wanted to get married again.

We began dating and spending time together with our 2 kids, and it went great. I moved into her place 2 months later. 2 months after that, she changed her mind again, said she wasn't secure and comfortable enough with me to be in relationship with me, and chose to end things again. She asked me to move out, and jumped back into a relationship with her boyfriend. And again, my heart and my daughter's hearts were broken.

My ex-wife said the same type of things.....always thought of me as her husband even after the divorce, never stopped loving me, and missed spending time with me and the girls.

She was sincere about working things out. But as soon as the going got tough, she said since we were divorced, there was no reason to continue trying to work on this. After things didn't work, I found this site. I wish I would have found it sooner. The information on this site would have been so helpful.

I can tell you through personal experience, that you both probably still have some healing and need to grow individually before your relationship together can be strong. It is good to start seeing each other again. Spend time together but take it very very slowly. Time apart is also needed to grow individually and to reflect on the good things that you are doing and trying to accomplish together. Also, keep the lines of communication open with one another. Be honest with one another no matter what.

Have you forgiven her for the affair that she had? I thought I had forgiven my ex, but as we worked on things, I found myself getting hurt and angry when she talked about her ex. and I didn't tell her about that. I wanted to be someone that she could confide in so I just let her talk about him whenever she wanted. Eventually, all the pain and anger resurfaced that I had previously felt from her affair. This brought back some bitterness and resentment and this showed in the way I acted around her. Without knowing it, love withdrawals started taking place on both of our parts, we stopped meeting each other's emotional needs, and pain that she had felt from our marriage resurfaced. We both ended up hurting each other even more and eventually the whole darn thing fell apart and before I knew it, she called it quits again.

She did all the right things and severed all ties with her ex-boyfriend physically. She stoped calling him and he eventually stopped calling her. But she held onto the emotional attachment she had to him and couldn't quite let that go. She talked about him regularly and that drove me nuts. The more she talked about him, the more my insecurities grew, and that showed in my actions. It was hard for me to trust her again and eventually, she got fed up with that.

Take things slowly and talk to one another about your feelings. If I were you, I would read everything you can on this site, especially Plan A and B, Love Bank, Emotional Needs, and the Surviving the Affair section. This information will be so helpful to you and to her.

One thing you should keep in mind is that it may take her a while to get over her lover, and you will need to give her the time to do that. I had trouble with this and expected us to immediately fall in love all over again. When that didn't happen I got frustrated and started to panick.

Like sufdb said, take this as a new relationship and use it as a chance to get to know each other again. Trust from both sides needs to be rebuilt. Yes, she probably has trust issues also. But her trust issues might be that the same conditions resurface that made resulted in the affair the first time around.

Be true to one another, and if at all possible, take the physical part of the relationship very slowly. In fact, I would put that on hold for awhile. Work on your friendship and rebuild that first and see where that takes you.

All that said, it is really interesting to hear other opinions and the similar experiences that we have faced in one way or the other. Yes kew231, this is exactly what I am going through at the moment, only time will tell how honest and truthful of her wanting to rebuild our relationship. We have talked many times about opennes, honesty, truth and respect for each other. I ask her everyday if this is what she really wants, I know and I have mentioned to her that she is still emotionally attached to other OM, the less contact she has with him the better, the withdrawals she will experience and the thought of her being "in love" with OM.

Everyday is a challange, everyday is one step at a time, I feel as if I am starting a new relationship all over again, nice and slow. I give her the time to reflect on what she has done, the damage she brought to our family and how she is going to fix it.

I have forgiven her for her affair, I have said it many times, trust will have to be earned never the less will come back. History is part of the reason, family too but I want to fix what ever broke with the woman I still love. I had planned on moving soon, so when the idea of moving further away from the site of the crime made me feel good about her willingness to rebuild.

KEW231 I don't expect us to fall in love right away, I think the love we have for each other was always there, she just went and did crossed that fine line and never thought of the consequences down the road. I know my XW still loves me. I only have time.