Ok well I have been realizing something lately and it is annoying me....I am still focused on my ex's life and not moving on with my own... I do not like him at all - and I would never take him back in a million years after all of the stuff that I have gone through - yet somewhere in the back of my mind I think that I secretly wish that I would wake up and all of this would have been a dream....Yet what I really want to do at this point is wake up and want to call him on the phone and thank him because I am the happiest I have ever been... But...........
That has yet to even come close to happening...It is like I am worried - that he doesn't spend time with the kids - or that the kids don't want to spend time with him - He just got arrested for drunk driving - (saw that coming) yet I still am concerned for what is gonna happen to him - how is he ever gonna see the kids if he cannot drive?? Yet he probably calls them once a week if even and if they don't want to go with him - that is the end of the story - my oldest hasn't spoken to him in a month....I still think in my mind oh well he is with the OW tonite - (and I know this because she lives next door - so when she doesn't come home at night I know where she is ) ... So how do I get the focus of my brain away from him..... I don't want to care what happens to him - he surely doesn't give one crap about me - I don't want to help him with anything --- I just don't want him to be a part of my life at all....Except when I have to talk to him about my girls - which doesn't happen very often....So how do I make him become non existant in my life - the way he has made me to him - How do I make myself - realize that I am divorced and single and not married??? How does one make this final transition ??? I know this is what I want to fully totally have nothing to do with him - But how do I make myself really truly do that??? Any advice would be appreciated?? I don't want to be here - one year from now - worrying about what he is doing - and when he is gonna do it??? Help...

MAW64

Reading your post, it sounds to me like you are more concerned with your kids and their relationship with their father. Unfortunately, that gets you involved with his life and how it is affecting your kids.

You don't sound like you are concerned with his everyday life otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned for your kids. I'm sure that in time you will stop wondering why he is treating them like this but that may take time.

Wish I Were Home - thanks - maybe that is what it is - that I am really slow to accepting that I am in fact a single mother and all that it implies because I am not sure that my girls mean that much to him at all - except when it is convenient for him - or if he wants the general public to think that he is wonderful... I guess I am just looking for that sure fired response - that I will say ok - you are right - I am done with him forever.... ugggggggg

MAW64, I'm sure you are done with him forever but you still need to recover some from all the hurt that he has and is causing you.

Wish I were home - yup true enough - but why can't I be one of those people that just wake up and say - ok you are a loser - poof you are out of my life??? You don't deserve me.... OK why can't I do that???? I don't want to be b*tching about him five years from now??? uggggg

MAW, I know what you mean. W and I are trying to stay civil with each other and it is ok but I'm sure a lot on her side is fake. Unfortunately if I were able to say "poof you are out of my life", I would also be loosing my 4 daughters.

One thing that we will always have is a link to the X through our children, no matter what.

In your case, that link may fade because of him and it things be easier for you.

Wish I were home - ok probably just the guy I need to talk to -you have four daughters? What is your relationship with them if you don't mind telling me and their ages??? Do you find it harder to spend time with them because they are girls -?? Do you think that you have to make more of an effort because you are the parent and they are the child?? Just curious ?? Because my ex acts like a big baby

Well MAw 64, I'm probably not the guy you need to talk to. My daughters are 3,5,8,10. I have a great relationship with all of them. Even not being at home, I am in contact with them all the time. I see as much of them as I can.

I live with relative so when I see them, it is at home. I don't take them with me, I stay there with them.(W and I get along OK)

My girls mean the world to me and anything I need to do for them is no effort at all. In fact I just took the 3 oldest to a Father Daughter dance yesterday, and we had a great time.

Spending time with them is very easy for me. I only have daughters, so I think it would be harder for me to spend time with a son.(10 years with only girls, I wouldn't know what to do with a boy)

One thing to keep in mind is that I am the BS and I didn't want to leave my family. That makes a big difference.

Wish I were home - OK I understand that you are the BS - my girls are 11 and soon to be 14 - he left 2 years ago - and basically has never been able to establish any kind of relationship with them - thinks that they should be the one to call him all of the time - when in fact I keep pointing out that he is the adult - and that they are the children... I guess that -is most of my problem accepting the fact that my ex has choosen not to be included in the family that we made together....

I always wanted to be a father and the four best days of my life were the four days that my girls were born. I could never imagine not being part of their life.

Fortunately W knows that and does not stand in the way of it.

wish I were home - then you are a wonderful dad - unfortunately my ex will never get that compliment as much to my dismay - I will gladly let him see them whenever or wherever - it just doesn't happen without my pushing - which is very sad.... Well I wish you luck... in your continued relationship with your daughters....

maw,
I hate to say this, but it just takes time. I am going on 4 yrs now being divorced and I still have problems.

Its not that I miss my x, (I never realized how much she was already out of the marriage)I guess I miss having someone around and having a partner.
Someone to share with.

It used to bother me when I would see my x at the kids events, but that has past. I don't speak to her unless it involves the kids. I really don't have anything to say to her.

She spoke to me on Sat, the first in about 3 weeks after she got mad at me for not letting her have the kids every weekend this month. She said I only take the kids when it is convient for me. The kids LIVE WITH ME!! She is the one getting visitation!

So it has been getting easier as time passes. I can speak to her with out getting angry. I am lucky in that om is out of the picture and x is not dating(to my knowledge) so there are none of those hurt feelings. Too bad you have to live next door to the op. ANy way of moving??

When my x and om were looking for a house they were looking for something close by so the kids could walk. Fortunetly they couldn't afford one and moved across town. No she lives alone.

So just hang in there, it does get better.

Bob

RWD - Hey thanks for the "it gets better" - gee I hope so - he called tonite to talk to my daughter and I was on the other line - so I told him to hold on - and he was like annoyed because I didn't want to talk to him at all.. I am like duh why should I talk to him... he was like all right then let me talk to daughter - older daughter still wouldn't talk to him.. But I spoke to my lawyer today and she told me that he hasn't been paying me like he was suppose to - so I should start sending him a monthly bill for activities and I was like but he just got arrested - and really why should that be my problem - so I am gonna do what she said - because I shouldn't have to handle every activity and everything all by myself which I sort of do now.. I am feeling better tonite about things... And as for moving - believe me I would have moved two years ago - if my girls didn't beg to not move - I figured heck the three of us did nothing wrong - so I was just gonna have to stick it out... for their sakes - some days it is really harder than others - but I live in a nice neighborhood besides the lady next door - and I have alot of friends - and frankly if I sold he would probably move in next door - and why should I let them win... so to speak... my youngest is in 5th grade so if I can just stick it out until she graduates or they feel better about maybe moving - then I will be ok... I am sure things will get really hairy again when I send the monthly bill - but you know what that is to bad - he has been putting the blame for everything on me for so long - and unfortunately he has been pushing my buttons -- but I am not gonna let that happen anymore -I am gonna start standing my ground -well at least I hope... I am starting to keep really good records - and I am just accepting that I am their only parent for the time being -and that is not my fault and I have nothing to feel bad about... I have a clean conscience - and only my girls best interest at heart.... Thanks again..

MAW - Our "heartache" is very similar. My divorce will be final in (4) weeks. WH started his A in 10/02 and abandoned his family completely in 10/03. He claims the OW is his SOULMATE and he should have left me long ago. I too find it difficult to move forward despite all his cruelness, pain and suffering he has inflicted upon our family (we have (2) teen daughters, ages 14 and 17). In my situation, WH told me and his children that "because we did not love him enough" he found this OW to share his life with since she made him feel VERY SPECIAL AND VERY LOVED... obviously, something we never did for him ! (what planet is he on?) He blamed me as well as our daughters for this affair which I find UNFORGIVABLE. To make matters worse, he refused to have a relationship with his daughters UNLESS they accepted the OW. To this day, I have told him that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will this OW EVER BE ACCEPTED into our lives... my daughters have also communicated this to their father. Problem is, he has put his needs, wants and yes, his LUST for this OW before his daughters. How Pathetic is that for a father?

I agreed to rebuild our marriage (again - after he returned to OW 2nd time) but he refused... he wanted no family responsibilities and total freedom. So, I did the next best thing >> I moved out of state away from him, 2000 miles away back to my home state of Michigan. Does he care about the loss of our home, our friends, the girls school, our lives, our marriage, EVERYTHING ??? NOPE.... he is now riding on his Harley Motorcycle and getting tatoos on his body. In the 6 weeks that we have been gone, I have attempted many conversations with him to "rebuild" the relationship with his girls. Maw, like your ex, he feels its up to our d's to CONTACT HIM and love HIM AGAIN - he feels like they abandoned him? I will never be able to comprehend what happened to him, nor will I ever be able to accept him back into my life, not after what he did to my girls. I suffer each day as I watch my girls struggle with the huge losses in their lives, going to brand new schools and trying to make new friends, being in a different environment, suffering depression; we are all COMPLETELY LOST and in GREAT PAIN.. And this man acts like he did no wrong. - People tell me to "move forward" start your own new life... okay, I'm doing that but its so darn hard! How do you just live without the person who promised to love and cherish you, who is the father of two beautiful, loving teenagers (we were together 24 years, high school sweethearts) I would just love to "forget him" but its easier said than done. He was a huge part of my life, until he decided to enter Fog Land USA. If he ever wakes up from his fog, it will be way too late for us. - I can't take any more of his cruel behavior and keep disrespecting me or my children. I'm done!

Me- BS (41)
WH (42)
(2) D's, 14 & 17
Confessed PA 1/03
Attempted MC 2/03 (WH quit after 1 month)
Rtned to OW 3/03 (I didn't know until 9/03)
Seperated 10/03
Divorce final 2/04
** I'd rather be alone than live with a man who cannot love and cherish me and my daughters! ***

maw, I relate, too, but what you have to remember is that this is a process. We are moving forward, we have changed. Think where you were a year ago!

I read recently that in divorce, it takes about one year to recover from every five years of marriage/relationship. If that's true, we all still have a long way to go, but we're well on our way.

As you said, you don't want him back, but you're still upset about the way he's treated your kids. It's hard to give up the dream. I, too, realize that I'm way happier without the drinking, lying, cheating, manipulation, and verbal abuse, but I, too, sometimes wish I could wake up and find out that it's all been just a bad dream.

At the same time, I've been dating a man for over 1.5 years now who has never raised his voice to me, is always kind and considerate, is fun, enjoys my company, as I enjoy his, but, but, but, I'm still not over my marriage -- not what was, but what could have been.

It takes time. This is normal. And,we're getting there...

Victorialynn - wow yup it is amazing what happens to these men in Fog Land USA - (by the way I really like that) - And you know what as for your girls - I don't care if they were 20 years old he is still the father - and he is the one that left - and like I told my ex if it takes him 10 years of *ss kissing to make up what he did to their lives well then so be it - because these girls have done nothing wrong... I know in my mind that most of how he acts and lives his life is the only way he can to be able to justify what he did to his family.... The person that he is now is not the person that I fell in love with 20 years ago and chose to spend my life with and raise a family with - and I guess that I am bitter - really I am - I will admit that - but geez who wouldn't be - I give you alot of credit for moving 2000 miles away - that took alot of courage... And like you I am thinking that you are most concerned with the impact that this is gonna have on your daughters future relationships - being rejected and dumped by a husband or a dad is a tough pill to swallow - I truly wish you much happiness - and hopefully someday we will find our peace because like everyone tells me that happiness is the best revenge...
Letstry - OK 1 year for every five you were married - ok 1 more year for me.... That would make 3 years total - so I guess I have until October when all of this started that is something to look forward to...thank god... I am happy for you that you have been dating a wonderful man - at least it is always good to know there are some out there... But like you said you are still not over your marriage - and that is sad to me - I mean they so blantantly have abandoned our marriages while we were married in fact yet we are the ones struggling with our emotions not them -- that is the part that ticks me off - and am I better than a year ago yup you bet - actually I am way better than I was three months ago - still like you said it is a process and a long one at that... Thank you ...