All-

I have a post on GQII regarding the recommendation that dS be placed in a foster home because X and I can't get past our emotional baggage.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you stop the insanity?

All suggestioins welcome.

thanks

Yes, I had to fight an X who spent virtually no time with our kids, and demanded 50/50.
How much are you willing to spend????

Since neither of us would budge, we took it to a Custody evaluator who is a psychologist who performed psychological tests on both of us, and met with us and the kids and came up with a custody recommendation which the judge accepted - verbatim.

And, X still kept ignoring the recommendation.
FYI our evaluation cost $6,000 alone. We split the cost 50/50. Your area may be different.

Newly-

Thanksfor sharing. It's sad that custody is determined by the parent with the most $. Do you regret fighting or if you had to do it all over would you do it differently?

No, I don't regret fighting over custody as I am still very concerned about X's ability to care for the children. For the two years of separation, he lived with his parents, and they are BIG enablers, so he believed he was a model parent, while his mom did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and watching the kids when he didn't feel like it.

I think he really deluded himself about the full responsibility. I honestly believe he got more time than he should at 1/3. And with the impending snowstorm, it will be a big test of his ability to step up to the plate. Although I suspect my kids will be dumped on his mother tomorrow - since he can't be bothered to take care of them.

There are many fathers who are truly involved parents, my X was not one of them. I don't believe he understands the childrens needs, both physical and emotional. Some fathers fight for custody just for the emotional support that they need, ie. they must have the children to prove that they are fathers.

There are so many great books you can use to establish guidelines. MOm's House/Dad's House, and How to help your children cope with Divorce the sandcastles way both offer alternative schedules. Do your research and present a viable alternative.

I spent a year of college tuition on my divorce, and it just proves to me that my X really didn't understand how the world works. His NPD nature really was & is detrimental to a civil divorce and coparenting arrangement. I am using MB principles & other sources to try to learn to better communicate for the sake of the children, but to no avail.

Good Luck to you, and remember who is most important here - the children.

I did the phsycilogal evaluation. It cost less than 2 grand and the cost was split 50/50. They determined joint custody was a good thing for us. However, my xw still pushed for sole custody. I have my chilren 45 percent of the time.

Two years later custody is still a battle. She flat out does not want me to see my girls. She truely beleives I'm not a good father. Everything is a battle, she will not let anything go. The craziest part of this is that she caused and filed for the divorce due to multiple afairs.

I've asked this type of question on many forums and every answer is different. No one knows your situation but you. You need to do what is right for your children. Don't worry you will get through these tough times.

Peace

STP, is she withholding your children from you - despite the court order? If so, you need to enforce it.

I don't think my X is a good father, but I will admit that he's become a much better father now than he ever was when we were married - and my girls have benefitted.

My X also fought the recommendation, and the judge accepted it in its entirety, exactly as written. He originally belived he'd get full custody, then fought for 50/50 and didn't even get that.

Emotions cloud logic, parents should do what is best for their children - and keep their petty differences out of it. The children didn't ask to be put in this situation - so we need to minimize the impact on them.

She is not keeping them from me. When I say a battle for custody is this. I coach my two girls in three sports. So even when it is not my custody time I see them several times a week for practice and games. Plus we spend weekends at tournaments. When I do not have custody and we are at the same hotel due to a tournament it is funny how she and her parents quickly sweep them away and I see hide nor hare of them until just before game time. My girls love me and want to see more of me. It is painfully obvious to everyone. People that do not know our situation completey just ask, what is that all about. When there friends are looking for them they come to me and ask where the girls are. They don't go to there mother. I have been involved with sports for many years. I coach and work with about 70 kids a year. I'm good with children and I have a very close relationship with my girls.

As long as you keep the mind set that you have, (for the kids and not your petty differences), you will be alright because you are acting on the right principals.

Good luck!

I let him have joint custody but I got primary care. We had a schedule that worked for us and the judge let us keep it with the standard written in as a backup. I let x have more time than he is legally entitled to.

But, the decree is written so that I can make all the major decisiions as long as I keep him informed.

I think he is a pretty good father. I know that he hates me and would do all he could to make my life difficult.

As long as he plays nice, I play nice.