I don't know of any state where each spouse after divorce is expected to provide 50% of the children's support. Support is normally established based on relative incomes/earning potential. If one person earns far more than the other, he or she is expected to pay a larger share of the child support.

I just finished reading an article written by a financial planner in this months AARP magazine. The scenario was a couple in their mid-50's, with a 35 year marriage. The husband earns 140,000, and they have $58,000 in credit card and car debt. The financial planner recommended that the husband should be required to continue to pay the mortgage payments and maintenance costs until the youngest is 24, at which time the house would be sold, pay the wife's car payments, pay child support and alimony that would cover college tuition and health insurance for her, and pay college tuition health insurance for their two younger children, and pay the credit card debt. I realize that this was a case of a long marriage, but the idea is the same - that the husband keep supporting the family as he has been, and keep supporting the wife until she can complete college and support herself. If he chose to leave his family, those financial arrangements are how it should be.

My H left me with 6 kids after a twenty year marriage. I had been a stay at home mom for about 5 years. He then managed to conveniently lose his job and remain unemployed for over two years, until about a year and a half ago. According to the financial papers he filed with the court, he pays no mortgage/rent/home maintenance costs - his new wife pays that. He pays only personal expenses. Although the divorce agreement required that we split college expenses according to our ability to pay, the magistrate overturned that later, claiming he was "old" (he was a little over 50) and shouldn't be expected to be able to find a decent paying job - apparently the fact that he had a college degree, graduate course work, and a strong professional work history was irrelevant. He ended up with a little less than half the credit card debt, did not have to pay the mortgage or any alimony, and is only required to pay about $200 a week in child support for all FIVE children that are still at home. In this area, rent or mortgage for a three bedroom place (and hopefully no one would try to tell me I could cram the six of us into a two bedroom) runs about $2000. Forty dollars a week per child doesn't even make a dent in how much it costs to support them.

you know nellie, it is for H like yours that I seriously would consider reinstituting debtors prison. It is unconsciounable (which is why I cannot comprehend why you would want him back, given his obvious unworthiness as a human being in a relationship)...I also cannot understand why his wife (who as I recall has a very good income) would tolerate his irresponsible behavior either....frankly if I was she, I would send you support money myself (assuming she has it). Why would she want to be married to a deadbeat dad is beyond me, who sponges off of her.

I disagee with you scrum, custody has no bearing on financial support....you have kids, you pay for them, end of story. I do think though it is appropriate that cs take into account relative incomes....it makes no sense for a low income non-custodial spouse to pay support to a high income spouse. Better to let the non-custodial spouse contribute how and when they can to their children.... But I also think the court can should consider good faith in employment so people like nellies H cannot hide from their obligations.

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Luke,
Thanks for the kind words, and for understanding where I'm coming from. What you said about the situation is exactly how I feel.

Scrum,
It may seem from that particular post all I care about is $, but that was only the topic of that post. It was one out of a million issues that was on my mind that day. I have gone through what I consider to be emotional abuse from my H for 7 months now, and I have consistently loved him despite it all. You don't know how many tears I have cried, how my heart has felt like it's been crushed and shredded into a million peices because my husband, the man I love and consider to be my family, the only man I have ever slept with, has rejected me and told me how he can't stand to be around me, and doesen't want to work on our marriage. Money is a real issue that I can't pretend doesen't exist. But it pales in comparison to the hearbreak I have endured. Also, why SHOULD he expect anything? HE is choosing to break our covenant and leave his family. In my book, he deserves NOTHING. The only reason I even allow him to see his kids is for THEIR sake, not his. You make your bed, you lie in it. Him not having custody is his own fault, his own decision that he is knowingly making. He is not a victim in any way. I am the one who things are being forced on. Explain to me please, why should I lose time with my children at all when I have no desire, though unfortunately no say, to tear our family apart. Why should I be forced by his selfish immaturity to lose any custody of MY children? Did you not realize when writing your response that HE is the one pushing for all this, and not me?

Faith,

I realize that money is a huge issue--even in locating a lawyer--so contact your local Legal Aide office--

Most of them are really good lawyers--who choose to work for penance of what many other lawyers do-
they go based on income--and as your's is nil based on your circumstances of being a SAHM--it would be a pro-bono case--

You could also ask a lawyer to request your husband pay ALL of your legal fee's--as well as his own--

and just so you know--the lawyers I used (I switched mid-divorce) and my ex'h's lawyer--all asked if we had been through marriage counseling--and said if we hadn't--do that first--so you can ask your lawyer to see if they can make that a requirement before the divorce is granted--

It is not however a guarantee that your husband will put his all into the counseling--but you can at least request that it be a stipulation--

And please call around to different lawyers and ask how often they handle cases like your's where the wife is a SAHM and what is the usual outcome for their clients receiving what they requested--
as far as SS and so forth--

And I'm sorry if I came across overly harsh on you--I really do understand as I was a SAHM--

the difference being my ex-h didn't WANT me going to college or even working outside the home--and used the threat of leaving if I did--and because of MY own issues, understanding and fears--I was compliant--five years into my marriage my family started mentioning little things--that began opening my eye's where I began gaining inner strength and understanding of Biblical Submission as opposed to the "worldly" understanding of submission--

even then it took my brother recommending a couple of books for me to read 'Co-dependant no More' and 'Adult Children of Alcoholics'--and then another friend sent me a book--'The Wounded Heart'--which opened my eye's even more to the lie's I had believed my entire life--

it also helped me see *I* made many choices based on those belief's--and I had to be responsible for them and could not blame anyone else or hold anyone else accountable--

So even though your husband left--which I am not saying was or even is right--it is his choice--not a wise one by any means--but HE will face consequences for it--maybe not in way's you see right up front and maybe not in way's you would prefer--but he will--

But like I mentioned before--contact a few atty's and find one that will best help you--