(Background, WW had EA 5 years ago, marriage was in the sewer, we held it together since the kids were still very little. If we didn't have kids - I would have been out the door and headed to court that DDay.)

I want a divorce BAD, but my kids are in a no-win situation. I solicit your opinions, thoughts, and experiences.

My WW is not able or capable of handling the kids on her own (mental health issues) and it would not be difficult to gain custody as a father. Since I work fairly long hours it would mean the kids would be in some type of after-school care every day and have to drop all their current activities. And not be in their home after school.

I am faced with getting divorced and:

1. gain custody, but kids get stuck in after-school care and not be in their home until I get out of work

2. get divorced, don't contest custody and see the kids on the weekend, but question and worry about their care daily (seriously)

or

3. Stay in the "marriage" so I can be with the kids and enable them to have the best of the 3 options.

What decisions were you faced with? Were they similar? If so, how did you proceed? What are your opinions? Help!

My life/divorce is a little differant but divorce changes things. The 3 options you layed out all sound flawed. There are more then likely a lot more options out there then the 3 you mentioned. 1st I think you need to decide what's "most" important to you and how you can best accomplish getting there (keep in mind you may have to be be flex.).For me it's always been my kids and "I" would put their saftey first. Children are fragile and strong, get them in the safest place and go from there. For me I thought I had to figure everthing out at once and I was overwhelmed and I couldn't think. Then it came to me that I didn't have to figure it all out at once. Do it like a 12 step program one day at a time, one thing at a time. There are a lot of single working parents and we come up with very creative ways to do the best we can for our children. Including bringing work home, moving closer to work, working with other parents...reaching out. You've just got to decide what is most important to you and then what you're willing to do for it. It won't be easy! You can live on less,have less STUFF and still watch your children thrive. What we have doesn't define who we are. This is a great site for advice and support but don't stop here. Look in your local white pages for ideas, talk to professionals, and if it's in your heart pray...there isn't a need He can't care for. I wish you well.

Have you let your wife know how you feel?

Question?

Since you work fairly long hours...arent the kids in the care of your wife presently? Are they in danger while you are working now? If so, then you shouldnt be questioning this. You should already be gone with the kids.

What kind of mental health issues? Depression is not a reason to assume that she cant care for the kids. There are medicines for most mental health issues, IMHO, cheaper than telling the world that their mother is unfit. Have these mental health issues been addressed? If not then you havent explored all the options for repairing your marriage

If you have joint custody you can probably see the kids as much as you do now. It just has to be worked out.
Take care
Dawn

I am sure there is alot more to this than he let on..... I just made the break myself, Wife didnt need help because she was adimant (sp) that there was nothing wrong with her. So now we are by ourselves, she left, hasnt called the kids, and is sitting feeling sorry for herself rather than seek help and get back here where she knows she belongs. I feel sorry for her to be so strong and so weak at the same time.

There is a lot more than I initially posted.

I need help understanding the thoughts and decisions many of you've reached or are making on whether to divorce or not. The 3 options I listed were roll-ups of the many options there are, and you are correct - there are many.

WW suffers from severe depression, attempted suicide after the EA was discovered, 2 prior suicide attempts before I had ever met her. I've taken her to the best psychiatrist (the opinion of other doc's including other psychiatrists I've spoken with - not just mine) and she's been on essentially every medication and combination of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers.

I was supportive of her through the post-suicide attempt hospitalization and therapy, and continue to seek help for her with a therapist. Two problems. One, after the first few visits she doesn't go back to the therapist unless I take her. Two, she has said there are things inside that she doesn't know she'll ever be able to talk to ANYONE about. That's very frightening to me as well as frustrating when I'm trying to get help for her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

"In sickness and in health", I have truely sought help for her through every available resource or agency but it's "leading a horse to water" - she won't drink.

I would have sought immediate legal and civil action for the protection of the kids if I feared for their safety - neither the psychiatrist/therapist or I fear that. (And I pray to God we're all correct.)

What I meant by take care of the kids on her own is "the inmates run the prison" when I'm not home and worsens each day I am not home, and the fact she doesn't cook for them or clean the house. The house is such a mess the kids cannot have friends come over and getting her to let a repairman in is a monumental effort as she is embarassed how the house looks. No, I'm not expecting June Cleaver, I'd settle for Roseann. (sp?)

Yes, she does know how I feel about everything and it only worsens her depression - she lays in bed, sleeps in a chair, won't answer the phone, read email, etc. Which makes me feel like dirt.

Me? Far from perfect. I'm cynical, sarcastic. I've neglected my family, marriage, and kids by working too much - only to climb the ladder to success and realize it's on the wrong wall. I'm impatient, have a bad temper at times, occasionally cuss like a sailor when agitated.

I've gone to and continue therapy after DDay, marrital and individual. Worked on changing "my bads" with the therapists and self-help readings. Pray a lot, try to go to church as a family.

Frankly, I'm worn out, tired. My therapist (who also sees one of the kids) told me she would let me know when she thought it was time for me to give divorce serious consideration for my own mental and physical well-being. I don't sleep at all some nights even with med's - like tonite.

Where is love in all this? I love her with all my heart, but I am not "in" love with her. We had probably fallen out of love before her EA, I was too "busy" at work to pay attention at home.

I've given thought on how to change work schedules, jobs, smaller house, etc. I am a simple man and don't care about material things.

I don't know how to think and give serious consideration divorce. What questions do you ask yourself? I am so sad <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and sick when I try to rationally think about divorce and ask if you could please share how you have or are dealing with this step.

Wow! Your wife sounds like me--depression, sleeping too much, won't answer phone, messy house, doesn't cook. Except I never attempted suicide, but living like THAT is like a long, slow death in itself. I don't know what made me 'wake up' one day--I suppose I must have hit bottom. My life sucked and I couldn't seem to help myself. I barely wanted to get out of bed to go to work. My H had had affairs and threatened to leave several times. I guess I suddenly felt OLD--the clock of my life was ticking and what was I doing? My body creaked, I had aches on top of aches--ones that echoed my mother's--who just so happens to be 25 yrs. older than me! I could see what was going to happen to me if I didn't 'wake up and smell the coffee' as dear Ann Landers used to say!

Well, enough about me--you say you're seeing a therapist and SHE's gonna tell you when you're ready for divorce? YOU ARE READY! I can hear it in your posts. Also, consider this: my father was a verbally abusive alcoholic all through my childhood--it AFFECTED ME & MY SIBLINGS BIG TIME! Your KIDS will be better off OUT OF THAT SITUATION! I don't have a doubt in the world that you will get custody! What court is going to give a woman who has tried to kill herself several times custody of 3 kids? Plus, courts now ASK children their preferences and take this into consideration. Do THIS for your kids and forgive yourself. It sounds to me as if you have tried everything. Good luck to you, you can do it.

The comment I made about my father being an alcoholic probably didn't seem like it related to your story, but what I meant to make clear--any kind of mental health issue WILL affect your children for the rest of their lives!

As I have posted before, I am only starting the process of divorce. It is something that I never wanted. Over the last few years, decisions were made for me, Things taken away like I was a kid. I too was angry for the last year because I was not getting any satisfaction out of the marriage other than sexual. I too was yelling, loosing my temper. I knew that it wasnt who I was. It isnt who I am. I knew that there was reasons for my outbursts. It was being married to a controlling, manipulating, troubled woman. Her issues have never been addressed since in her opinion, she didnt have any. As a matter of fact, this all came as a suprise to her. You need a rock. Someone who you can confide in. Someone who will listen to you, understand what you are going through and be there to support you. Many times I was scared, afraid of the unknown, afraid of her reactions. My rock helped me get through it. I knew I was doing the right thing, Now when my family found out, they wanted to have a party for me. Our friends have told me that they didnt blame me or that I hung in as long as I did. Her Mother said the same thing. She has alienated anyone she couldnt control. Years of verbal abuse, mental abuse had taken it's toll on me and I needed to do it for my kids first, and me second. After two weeks of her being out of the house with minimal contact, I do miss her, but, On the flip side.... At work I am a new person. I am happy to be here again. I am not worrying about what will happen when I get home. I can concentrate again, and be focused. The first weekend without her was hard, so much work to do. I told the kids we will try to have fun now, do more things. I was always controlled by her wants and needs. Dont get me wrong, She did things that were fun too, but when she got tired, she started yelling, or something was said that she didnt interpret the way it was meant and she would make us wish we had stayed home. The second weekend, we cleaned the house, had company, kids friends visited, we had an outing, we went clothes shopping, had a nice dinner, cleaned the house again and yes I was tired, But, When I went back to work, I felt refreshed, Glad to be there, like I had just had a weekend. I never felt that before. You know what? I liked it! Is this why people are happier than me? Is this something that has been missing in my life all these years? The years of yelling and b*****ing are over. I am gonna like this new life. It will be a little harder, but without yelling? I had no idea that she was bringing me down as much as she was. I still miss her, like I have wronged her. I wish she would get some help. That will never happen. She wished that we would just leave her alone. You know what they say about wishes. Yes you will feel some guilt, But I am in control of my life now. I didnt like where she was taking me. I did something about it. You can too.