Hello everyone. My ex-wife and I got divorced in April/2003. I did not want the divorce but realized there wasn't anything I could do because of her free will. She had an affair on me which played a large part in the divorce. A week before, she said she wanted to work it out and didn't think she would be happy without me and the girls. Told her I needed some time to think it over....mainly to make sure she was serious about coming back. She called a few hours later and said forget it. She was still with lover and said she loved him. The divorce took place. 2 months later, she said she would be marrying this guy at end of July. I was crushed. One week later, she changed her mind and set marrying someone else was too big a step. Then she broke up with her lover and wanted to work things out with me. I was on cloud 9 and joyous. I said okay. 3 weeks later she gave up saying she didn't have any feeling for me and was still in love with him. A couple of days later she changed her focus and started getting to know God again. She said she loved me but got scared when feelings for me didn't return after 3 weeks. She convinced me that she was for real this time in wanting it to work. Kept telling me we belong together, she didn't want the divorce and wanted to marry me again.

She broke all ties with her lover and invited me to move in. We started dating again and it went great. I moved in a couple of months later. Then in November, she said it wasn't going well and asked me to move out. She said she didn't feel secure enough with me to be in a relationship with me. She said she only wanted to work things out so she could be with the kids more, and that she didn't have any feelings left for me. Sex was a big issue. She had sex with me a few times, even initiated it several times, but in the end, she wasn't ready for it, said I knew she wasn't ready for it, and blamed me for wanting it, which she began resenting me for. So I moved out without much of a fight. I knew we were both hurt and needed some time away from one another. But instead of taking space and time, she jumped back into a relationship with her lover and now they are back together.

All 3 of us work at the same place and I either see them together or see her lover pretty regularly.....walking through buildings, etc.. It tears me up inside to see them together. We have 2 girls....4 and 2 yrs. old. We have joint custody. When I with my girls, the oldest talks about her lover sometimes. It drives me nuts but I just ignore it and deal with it after I put them to bed at night.

I just cry all of the time. Cry at work, cry at home. She's the most wonderful and incredible person I have ever met and I miss her and love her so much. But I'm afraid to talk to her or write her a letter telling her how I feel about her. I'm afraid she will not receive anything I have to say. At the same time, I have alot of bitterness and resentment towards her for breaking promise after promise and tearing my heart out for months and months. She has changed her mind so many times about working things out with me, and currently were divorced so there is not much I can do anyway. It kills me that she's back with her lover and chose the guy she had an affair with, over me, the man she promissed to spend the rest of her life with, and who is the father of her children.

She has completely disrespected me as a person, my feelings, and our daughters feelings. She is in this self-centered mode where only her feelings and well-being matter to her. She is being led by her feelings and emotions. She knew it would take a long time to rebuild comfort, security, trust, and to restore love but she gave it only 4 months and wanted out. And like always, instead of dealing with her feelings of pain, anger, etc...., she jumps back to her lover and camoflauges those feelings by being back with him. Part of me thinks she will be back, because several months after she makes these quick decisions, she steps out of the fog, and realizes who she has hurt and what she has done, and then her relationship with her lover goes bad.

Part of me wants to let go completely and just not worry about whether she's coming back anymore. My heart can only take so much pain but at the same time, I know that wonderful, smart, caring, loving person is still inside of her....it's just covered by alot of pain and denial right now. I want her back in my life but not sure what to do at this point.

I didn't find this site until a few weeks ago, after I had already moved out. Information on this site would have been so helpful while her and I were working on things but now it might be too late.

Does anyone have any advice?

Move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hate to tell you this but she will probably never change. Also you will have to deal with the feelings about her having an affair. And she will also have to deal with thise feeling too. Basically she broke the vows of marriage when she had her affair.

Work on yourself. I don't know if you did anything wrong in this relationship but learn from your mistakes. Build your confidence and become independant. Eventually you may find someone worthy of you love. You children will see this and love and respect you for it. I understand about dealing with a wife having affairs and the pain involved with it. I understand wanting to keep things together for your family. I understand wanting her back. You've made your efforts and truely tried to fix things. Time to move on.

Yep, me too, been there done that. My EX wanted divorce years ago to be on her own and date and see others......she came back home only to actually divorce me almost 2yrs ago after two children........well, NOW she all depressed and crying all the time wishing our family were together again. Its way too late now, Im remarried and happier than I have been in ages. My wife said she would be a FOOL to give up someone like me......those words go a long way, especially since my EX called me a loser and turned to other men. Let her go.....you tried and as the above poster said.....I doubt she will change. Good luck! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does anyone have any advice? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">get some individual counseling, you can't seem to figure out whether this woman is telling you the truth or not. . .

wiftty

She may appear to be nice
She may appear to be sweet

But she is anything but that.

She lies, she cheats, she plays with your life and mind.

She is BAD NEWS. And you need to face the fact that any nice or sweet woman would never do this to you and the children.

SHE IS NOT NICE!

She is awful man! She does not love you! Why do you think she is so great?

Are you in fantasyland!

In saying she's nice and sweet, I guess I might still be living in the past and possible living in fantacy land. I'm remembering all the times she made me feel good. I'm remembering the dates we went on, the time we spent together with each other, and as a family. I'm remembering all the good that she has brought into my life.

I've made plenty of mistakes along the way. When we were married, she said I didn't give her enough time and attention. In looking back I realized this was true. I was selfish alot of times and didn't meet her needs like I should have. I shut her out alot and would just crawl into a cave. i was dealing with a lot of stress from work and life, and not putting much time into our marriage. I was guilty of all of this and felt tremendous guilt for it. I admitted my mistakes and asked for forgiveness. She wanted nothing to do with me.

She became very close to a male co-worker and considered him, her best friend. I guess she probably started having an EA with this guy some time before that and didn't even realize it. later she would tell me that she had loved this guy for some time. When she told me of her unhappiness in Oct/02, she started spending all of her time with this guy outside of work, kept telling me she was going to a girlfriend's house. I later found out that wasn't the case and that she had repeatedly lied to me. I even confronted her about him several times. She said they were just friends. Anyway, I came home from work one day when she didn't expect me, only to find this other guy at my apartment eating dinner with her and the kids. I was crushed, walked in asked him to step outside. I asked him to back off of the situation. He stood his ground and said it was her choice to invite him over. She came out and asked him to go home. She blamed me for ruining her evening, said she was embarrassed with me and how I handled it. That night she asked me for a divorce. Said I couldn't control who she hung out with. I still continued to try to reach her but she wouldn't listen to me. She pursued the divorce. It was final in April/03. One week before it was final she temporarily stepped out of the fog and asked me for forgivness and wanted to reconcile. I took some time to let it soak in and make sure she was serious. She called me back a few hours later and said forget it, she wanted the divorce.

Again I was crushed and blamed myself for taking time to think about it. 2 months later, she said she was marrying this guy. I couldn't believe it. One week later she changed her mind and said that was too big a step. She started contacting me again and wanted to work things out. So we started hanging out again. My hopes got up. 3 weeks later she changed her mind and gave up, saying she was in-love with her lover and didn't feel anything for me. I was crushed. 1 week later, same deal....changed her mind again and wrote me a 14 page letter asking me to work things out with her. Said she loved me and wanted us to marry each other again. She wanted me to move in with her. I gladly accepted. We became friends again, we started dating again, and it went great. She stopped all contact with OM and would tell me whenever he contacted her. he finally stopped contacting her after I moved in.

We had sex early and neither of us were ready for that. She said we needed to take it slower so we did. After I moved in, things went slowly. We went on a date a few weeks after I moved in. Had a great time. Afterward, she came to bed naked, and I was overjoyed with excitement. I thought she was ready, comfortable, and willing to share herself with me. After that, I started initiating intimate moments more. We had sex maybe 3 more times after that. Later she would tell me that she was never ready for that and blamed me for asking her for sex, and started to resent me for it.

That bothered her alot and she couldn't let it go. Eventually it ate at her so much that she became angry at me, felt nothing for me, and wanted out of the relationship, saying we're divorced and she felt nothing for me. She told me she only wanted to try to work things out so she could be with the kids more.

She asked me to move out only 10 weeks after i moved in. I was crushed and still am. I love her so much but she has caused me so much pain. I don't think she cares about me enough to respect my feelings.

I know I have to move on but part of me really thinks we could make this work, if she was committed to doing it.

Now I'm lost, and feel like I lost the most wonderful amazing woman on the face of the earth. Maybe I'm still living in fantacy land and she's not really the person I fell in love with many years ago. Even so, I still love her with all my heart and I think that caring, tender-hearted, loving person is still within her, just covered up by a shell of pain.

I don't know what to do. I miss her so much.

We are human, we all make mistakes. Your neglect may have caused her to befriend another man but never forget that she is responcible for her actions. There isn't anything more hurtful than what she did to you. You add to that all the lieing and it should make you truely wonder why you love this woman. I was there my-man. Look at yourself. You tried to better yourself to keep your marriage together. She blew you off. Do not be her floor mat. You are a better man than before and you will learn from your mistakes. Eventually, down the road you too will find somoeone that will ask, why did you wife leave you? It is a great feeling brother. You will be fine. Have confidence and be happy that she has left you because now you are free to find true love and happiness.

Please understand, this isn't universal advise. Some people need to try and save there broken marriages. But in this case it is all about gettin on with movin on!

Good luck

STP, have you gone through this sort of thing yourself? I don't want any other woman in my life, except her. But now that doesn't matter because she is back with her lover and wants nothing to do with me. She's back with the man she had an affair with and I think she feels fine about being with him now because her and I are divorced. I don't think she feels guilty anymore about being with him. She has proven that she doesn't care about me or our family being together enough to stay committed to us working things out. I have completely mixed feelings about the whole thing. I still love her but also feel she doesn't have anything to offer me if she has feelings for someone else.

kew231, you can want her in your life all you want......trouble is.....she is gone. You have to move on if you want to keep your sanity. Look at how you are talking.....for your sake, try and go in another direction. Just some advise, its up to you.

KEW231,

Yes, been there, done that. I was married for 11 years. About 3 years into it we had some problems, (in hind sight it was a maturity thing). After 8 years of off and on counseling we divorced. In that 8 years we struggled with her having several affairs. Finally she up and left. I had worked so long to keep my family together I put aside all things that applied to me. I thought I would never find anyone to replace her. All I wanted to do was get back together and be happy with her. I felt so much pain I didn't know how i was going to survive. I took anti depressants sat inmy house and felt sorry for myself. I would day dream all day about her and was just a mess. I felt that there was no way I was going to make it w/o her.

Then I began to realize it was over and she wasn't coming back. That was the first day of my new life as a divorced single dad. I used all my misfortune to learn from it and get wise. I am back to the confident man that I was 13 or 14 years ago. Once I was a happy man on my own and was self suficient I started dating. You have got to be smart though and find someone that won't land you in the exact same spot you are in today. That means see a lot of people and don't settle.

Your first task is letting her go though. Then you can begin to rebuild your life. It can be done and you will be very happy for it. You may even find yourself wondering how you could have ever missed her in the first place.

Peace

Thanks for all o the advice guys. I needed to hear these things. When I met her, I was very confident with myself and I think she was attracted to that. I didn't worry about much in life, would just takes things as they came along, and I was very happy with that. We got together and fell in-love. Over the years I lost that confidence in myself, and I believe the same thing happened to her. Our kids came into the world, and we started fading away from each other. We put most of our time and attention into the kids and we stopped communicating to each other and that's where the problems started. Then we both went into the fog and just wanted space from each other. Then all of a sudden, she wanted out and blamed me for everything. Said she tried to communicate with me but I didn't listen. I was blindsided. I had no idea she wasn't happy with the marriage. She always acted happy. She later told me that was just an act. She said she had been miserable for a while. She was my first serious girlfriend so I was learning as we went. In the end, I didn't learn quickly enough to meet her needs.

She divorced me and I felt like my life was over. I met another gal through the divorce and that friendship built. I started dating her a couple of months after the divorce was final. Moving on that quickly was a tremendous mistake. I realize now that I didn't deal with being alone very well and that relationship was a total rebound relationship.

Anyway, my ex-wife saw that I was doing okay and wanted me back. I gave in and ended the relationship with the other gal to work on things with my ex. Then she bailed after 3 weeks. Changed her mind again, and we started working on things. I realized alot of the mistakes I made when I was married and I improved greatly on those things while her and I were together again. But, there were some things that I didn't realize about myself that I hadn't worked on and those things caused our relationship to blow up. Through this experience, I realize I'm a controlling person, and that I put too much emphasis on the physical part of a relationship. Also realized I'm a negative person and focus to much on things I didn't think were going well instead of looking at the things that were going well. In looking back, the positives heavily outweighed the negatives but at that time, my mind was so clouded that I didnt' take the time to see them.

Trust issues were huge. She gave me no reason not to trust her when we were together this last time, so at this point, I don't understand why I didn't trust her more than i did. I found myself looking for reasons not to trust her and nothing was there. I think it was because I hadn't let go of the past and what had happened....the affair, the lies, and all of times she changed her mind with wanting to work things out. I framed this entire paranoid world around me and for no good reason. Now I blame myself for not getting some counceling on this when I should have. I feel I just should have been happy that we were together again and been peaceful and comfortable with that. I feel I could have been much more relaxed. But the truth is I was an emotional mess as soon as we started seeing each other again. Sometimes I think maybe this was not normal for me to do these types of things. That maybe I'm a freak or something because I had no good reason not to trust her at that present time. She did everything right but I still wasn't settled or secure with myself enough to relax.

Maybe you guys can relate to what I went through. Did you guys experience this sort of behavior with yourselves? Were you able to completely let go of the past...the lies and the affair?

You were confident before but after living with a lying, cheating, manipulative woman who claims she never loved you, you were damaged.

Now your ego is in the toilet and damage has been done to your confidence by her.

Lucky she is leaving you only to damage her next victim. Now you can recover from the pain and have a chance to get your confidence back again and meet a nice decent honest woman who truly loves you!

Baba2, I thought she was the sweetest most loving person in all the world. Trouble is, I didn't show her or tell her that enough. I failed to meet her emotional needs when we were married. We shut each other out when we needed each other the most. In the end, she was very hurt emotionally and lost control of herself. She turned to someone who was going through a divorce. They got involved and then she wanted a divorce. She hurt me so bad when she did that. I don't know if she will ever know the pain she put me through.

When we got back together, I had alot of trouble letting the past go and had serious trust issues. I hadn't recovered from that trauma.

I'm struggling to let go, but I know I have to for my own sanity. I miss her so much, and I miss being a family again. I'm in so much darn pain. I don't know how to get over this aloneness. We moved to a different state out of college. Now I find myself 500 miles away from my family and closest friends. However, I don't miss walking on eggshells wondering and always wondering whether she wants to be with me. She doesn't give a darn about anyone but herself.

When I read some of my old posts when I was really ridin' the coaster with my xh, Jethro, I see you and your pain so obviously close to it.

You are blaming yourself for her foolish choices. Sure, none of us are perfect, but when is it ever OK TO SCREW AROUND WHEN WE HAVE A MARRIAGE AND FAMILY? It isn't. It's a cop out. It is also a sin.

You realized what you did that may have added to her wanting to do that but in the end, it's your xw who pulled down her skirt and my xh who unzipped his fly and they are the ones who committed adultery and left their families. Last I checked, when most people take their vows, they don't make them with contengency agreements. Just basic stuff like love, honor, cherish, be faithful, in sickness and in health. Not "if he doesn't pay enough attention to me" or "if I am not feeling happy in the relationship" then I can leave.

She is totally in fog my friend. Very much. She's on hell bent path of destruction and I advise to keep outta her way. Let her suck somebody else into the drama. Keep out.

Example: My xh is now figuring out that I am actively dating now as of 2 weeks. He's been asking questions despite his new marriage to FV and their soon to be born baby. He's been married maybe 3 weeks himself. His 3rd wife and he's only 35. He wants the drama. He wants to get into my life. Made stupid bet with me last friday during a phone call to me actually about my son, and tried to even come over for stupid reason...I will explain maybe if I have enough time on another post. But I wasn't buying it. Once foggy, stays foggy until a huge life change occurs in their lives.

Plus it makes me sick seeing how very little emphasis the WS place on marriage. Him wanting to even contact me or try to see me at all even if a dumb excuse is given shows me he's still foggy and his poor wittle OW/W doesn't know what she's in for...she's about to lean how it feels to ride the coaster...And I have fortunately grown enough to not want anybody, not even the other woman who shacked up w/my h and got preggers, to feel the horrible agony I went through even though in a perfect world she'd get that and a helluva lot more in return if life were fair.

You gotta save yourself. Save the kids too. It's not healthy. Protect them when they're with you. Be their rock. Show them stability. Let your xw run amuck and do what she feels she needs to do, except tell her you're not in the game anymore. That you're out. She's nowhere near slowing down and unless she has done a complete 180 and committed fully to reconciliation and some form of counseling or help, you have nothing else to do except move forward and shut that chapter in the book of your life. She's not worth another page's worth of writing.

And btw...until my xh remarried and my divorce being final and after a year and a half separation consistently did I even remotely consider dating again. I wanted that false hope to pretty much be dead inside me ore I would be being cruel to any other guy. Get yourself straight and find that happiness. Find that guy who you were 13 years ago and get to know him and importantly, like him again. You DON'T NEED ANYBODY TO COMPLETE YOURSELF.

I found that out. I only need the love of my son, my family, and my God to feel whole now. I have now had two, yea, count em' two successful dates and waiting list is starting in GA! I would've never believed I was really in reality the exact opposite of how my xh has painted me. He used to and even up until this last week, called me ugly, fat, stupid, b@tch. I now know that I am none of those things and quite the opposite actually.

Her blaming you is also a passive method of control too. Think on it. When they blame you, you are hindered from growing. You feel beaten, like you failed. When my x does that and when he thinks it's gotten me down, then he's controlling me again. So she's made you believe it's your fault huh? Maybe she had amnesia when she slept with her co worker. Or got whacked on the head repeatedly only while at work. My point is nobody forced her. She did it of her own free will and of your own free will you stayed committed to your family and marriage.

Save your sanity and send a plan B letter now. I think it's time. Learn more about plan A and B. Sounds as if you've been in A for some time.

Point is, if after plan B is sent and if she responds, do you really want a woman like her back? I don't want my xh back anymore and frankly, his actions disgust me. I can't look at the man at all. Don't even want to hear his voice. It is unnerving to me and actually sickens me a bit. When the WS degrades so much, like mine did, you really learn how to let go of so much. Maybe it's a defense mechanism or something.

I am saying to get some independence right now and heal yourself and be ther for the kids. when you get to the other side with or without your xw, you will feel a whole lot better. She needs to be out of the picture.

JustPeachy, thanks for sharing your story with me. It sounds like you were put through an awful lot in your marriage. It's nice to know that you got on with your life. I have to put the past behind me and look to the future. It's time to focus on my relationship with God, my girls, and myself. It really hurts me to know she's with dirtbag again. I just don't understand how she can feel good about chosing to be with this man that she had an affair with over her marriage and family. You're right, she's disgusting and I deserver better than this. She is on a destructive path and I need to step out of the way. She's brought me down time and time and time again. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm not sure about writing a plan b letter. I've been thinking about it and have written her one, but haven't sent it yet.

Right now, I think it may be best to let go, put it in God's hands, and put my trust in Him.