After a 7 year separation from my wife, we were finally divorced last year. Unfortunately, I believe my marriage was a mistake from the beginning, partly because I was not really in love with my wife in the first place; I'm not sure I even knew what love was or is. Despite all this, I did try to make it work and we did have some good times in the beginning. My wife, however, developed some emotional problems, one of which resulted in denying me sex for long intervals of time. We did the whole counseling scene, both in and outside of the church. After 13 years, one day I said enough is enough and I moved out.

A brief history of myself : Growing up in N.Y., I had no role model of what love looked like. My parents were divorced when I was a young boy. My best friends' parents also were divorced. In fact, I don't believe any of us in my environment knew what a normal family was supposed to look like. My mother struggled to raise me up alone, even resorting to prostitution to make ends meet. I knew even then that all of my mother's "customers" weren't in love with her, but rather they just lusted after her.

As a teenager, I never loved any girl, I just lusted after them. If I could cop a feel or grind (a provocative slow dance - like in the movie "Dirty Dancing") with some fine looking girl at a dance party, then I accomplished my goal.

Later in life, as a college student, a certain Christian campus ministry discipled me and led me to make a commitment to the Lord Jesus Christ. My eyes opened up to a new way of looking at life. After graduating from college, I even went to work for a certain ministry that helped young men who got messed up on drugs. But I have to say that while I came to recognize what the love of God (Agape love)looked like as proven on the cross, I still was not hip to what relational love between a man and a woman looked like.

I next moved on to the field of law-enforcement. I met my wife in church, and after about a year of dating, we got married. But as I mentioned above, I'm not sure I knew what I was doing, i.e. I wasn't sure I was even in love. After some time of having sex denied me by my wife, I started to have numerous affairs with women I met on the job. My spirit of lust was truly rejuvenated in me. One day, I simply left for I knew my marriage was over.

My spirit was downcast for a long time. I blamed no one, not even my wife, for the way my life was turned out to be.

The capper of my story is that during the time I was separated, I began to date another beautiful Christian woman that I met in church. (As a side note, my wife had stopped attending church years before.) We did many things together, and have recently gotten married. The amazing thing is that here again, I'm not even sure I did the right thing because I'm not sure I love her ! In fact, to make matters worse, there was another woman from church that I went out with on a few social dates - nothing sexual - and with whom I felt that I had more in common with. So the question becomes why didn't I marry her instead ?

Was I afraid of breaking a commitment I had made to my current wife ? Was I afraid of hurting another woman ? Am I co-dependent ? I feel like I'm a lost soul - someone who's in a sea with no guidance. I never in all my life ever thought of suicide until this year. But I don't think I would do something like that because that spirit is not in me. If the Lord Himself, however, decided to take my life anytime soon, I would gladly go for I feel that I have failed in the area of relationships.

One glimmer of hope is that I recently read Dr. Harley's book "Give & Take". I will try to put into practice some of the things I have read there.

To whoever reads this, thank you for hearing me out. Drummerboy.

Similar background, my first two marriages I really had no clue about relationships. The 3rd I thought I knew, only to find out I didnt....

Read Read Read.... this site has useful information that you or I or others never learned from their home environment.....

Welcome to MB. I’m glad you’re here and that you’re courageous enough to tell the truth. I think life will be okay. First off, don’t just read Give & Take. Make sure you read LoveBusters and His Needs/Her Needs. You and your wife can fill out the EN questionnaires.

Have you read about radical honesty? ‘Cause you’ll need to tell your wife what you told us. Not necessarily tonight. But soon and carefully.

How long exactly have you been married?

I’ve got to run but will check back in tomorrow. Post more about what your marriage is like now and if you’ve read the Basic Concepts and all the articles. Don’t skip a single article because inside them are kernels of truth about all other aspects of romantic love.

Oh, another book for your reading list: Bryn Collin’s “Emotional Unavailability”. I think it will help you understand where you are right now emotionally and what you can do about it.

We are what we make ourselves. We are who God makes us to be. We are NOT what our failures in life have brought us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the Lord Himself, however, decided to take my life anytime soon, I would gladly go for I feel that I have failed in the area of relationships</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too look forward to being in heaven one day and not here on earth dealing with all the pain and agony humanity has to offer.

But I know until that time comes, God is not going to let me go until he is done doing with me what he has already planned out. I know the same goes for you. I know that if I was gone before I was supposed to go, there would be so many wonderful things I would miss out on.

The bad times are there to remind us of the good.

To Eduard : Thank you for your word; I believe what you've said is true. Drummerboy

To Eduard : Thank you for your word; I believe what you've said is true. Drummerboy