Hi, I'm new to this group. Can anyone tell me what it is like going through divorce when one has two children. One is 13 and the other is 8. I am still in love with my husband of 15 years however, he continues to have "relationships" with women (usually one at a time) who are in their 20's. He is now 45 years old. It has been 4 years since I realized that this is a habit that he is not about to break. I have read HOW TO SURVIVE AN AFFAIR,in addition to many other books. I have been to four marriage counselors and have spoken to my priest. All have suggested that my husband can not see the seriousness of his actions but that I can do little to change his behavior. Needles to say I feel that I haven't loved him enough or the right way. Others have said that it was still his choice to go outside the marriage to solve the problem. I am now contemplating divorce but see him as a very manipulative and verbally abusive person when he is angered. I can easily see him as a father who, through loss of self esteem( having to divorce), he will give in to our children's desires easily. He is very finacially stable and will be able to provide for all their material needs. Will I loose their love. I have not brought them up to be spoiled but with the emotional instability, they may turn to what seem most stable and that to them may mean material posessions. Any thoughts?

Hello Comtemplating:

We are two very different situations, but your message just struck me somehow. You must really Love your husband to put up with continuing affairs. If I understand right, you know for a fact that these affairs have taken (are taking) place and you have confronted your husband about them? And yet, his behavior seems to continue again and again and again. You also said that he gets angry when you confront them. Sounds like he is feeling very guilty.

There are apparently many kinds of women; and there are many depths of Love. Some are unconditional while others are very conditional. I learned the very hard way. Infidelity for my wife was a black and white issue; no excuses, take no prisoners. She left me for another man immediately after I confessed that I had been physically unfaithful on several separate occasions over a 12 year period. For me, it was just loneliness, and the lowest points of my life. I was suffering depression and felt so very lost as a foreigner in a new country. I confessed because I wanted to start again in a completely open and honest relationship with her. But, her attitude was that even one broken vow was enough for divorce. And nothing would change her mind as soon as her new relationship started.

I would tell your husband that there are many women who would have left him already. In a way, let him know he is lucky to still have you. But by all means, get counselling for your problems and try everything possible to preserve your marriage. Don`t give up. Try also to feel what he is feeling; likely he is battling with very a low self-esteem.

Bless you, your husband, and your marriage,


Standing in Finland

Hello Comtemplating:

We are two very different situations, but your message just struck me somehow. You must really Love your husband to put up with continuing affairs. If I understand right, you know for a fact that these affair

I feel the need to respond - but I am not sure what to say. Your question is about going through divorce when you have children. It is difficult - and yet, your focus is constantly on them. You know you have to do what is right for them. In some ways, that gives you the courage to be bold, and not give in to the ridiculous requests your spouse will make when reality starts to set in.
Your WH sounds similar to mine. Although mine did not have a serious of affairs - only 2 that I know of - he did try to accuse me of not "loving him enough" and not being attentive enough. in the beginning I believed that crap. I don't anymore. I was loving, and attentive. Could I have done more? I suppose if I could have quit my job, or if he had actually helped out around the house more, or if he had done more of the daily caring for the kids, then I would have had more time. But, as it is, I cooked, cleaned, played taxi mom, had sex whenever he wanted, and all the while I remained dedicated, and faithful. He still left. And for awhile I blamed myself entirely, so when he started balking at what debts he would take over, and how much he would pay for child support, I made myself think more about the kids and less about myself. At one point he wanted to give me the house, but he wanted a stipulation, in writing, that I could never sell it without his prior approval. I wanted to give in to that. After all, I was a bad wife, I drove him away. My attorney said no way. She told me to think of the kids. I would need to do whatever was best for them, regardless of all the terrible things my WH was saying about me. I listened to her. I told him that he was going to give me the house, and I would not have to ask him if I could sell it later. After all, he found a new woman who makes him "happier than he has ever been in his life", and it was time for me to move on with my life too.
I reached a point where I truly knew I was doing the right thing for the kids. The older boy said "I wouldn't want Dad to move back in with us" and the younger one said "our house is a much happier place now"
I would have been with him for ever. That was the covenant I made. But he left, and now I realize he did me a favor.
By the way, I am all ready thinking about selling the house. Thank goodness my attorney helped me to get full control. He is going to really freak out when he finds out - but he has his new girl friend now, and hr 2 small children, so I am not going to worry about him! After all, he is happier than he has ever been in his life!