I'm 27, married for two years. My husband is 33 years old. Two weeks ago, my husband said he lost his feeling for me. He doesn't love me anymore. He said 6 months into our marriage, he found out that we were not compatible, but he still stayed because he still loved me. But now, his feeling is gone and he doesnt not think that we can make a lifetime together. We went to a marriage counselor and he told her that he didn't want to work on the marriage. He said love for him is a feeling and he doesn't have that feeling in his heart anymore. He looked at me as a person, not his wife anymore.
I can make a long list of possible cause for this loss, mainly because I didn't not meet his emotional need, the most important need is his passion for riding and his longing for a recreational partner. I felt insecured because I could see that he wanted to maintain a single guy lifestyle, cringing to his freedom while still want a comfort of having a wife. He wants a cake and eats it too. Therefore, I tried to prevent him from going on riding trip for too long because I thing he should spend more time at home to build a family life together. The more I tried, the more he's frustrated and get farther from me. I work, pay the bill, help him to go to school. These are important things in my list for a family life, but it is the least important to him. Besides, I didn't meet his need of affection and feeling appreciated and admired. After reading this website, I can see how he gradually fell out of love with me. One more thing, he's very upset whenever he talks about us breaking up. He said why he's feeling he's making a bad decision. But he can't help his feeling of not loving me anymore. He said I am a pretty, young, educated, nice, and caring person, and a good cook and he wonder why he doesn't have a feeling for me anymore. My conclusion is that he loved me and longed for my attention and my meeting his emotional needs. I did'nt hear him or did'nt know how to show my love for him so that he was working his way out of love with me to prevent him from being unhappy. And now the job is done. And this is what I have to deal with.
After he said those things to me, he was very hostile and angry for the first week. For the second week, he didn't feel hostile toward me anymore. He calmed down but sometimes still had an angry outbust when I say something that he perceived as an attempt to get him back. I decided that the best I can do is to acknowledge his feeling, and stay out of it for now, no matter how devastated I feel.
He went riding at the desert this weekend from Thursday to Sunday. We had decent several days before he left. On Thursday morning, I made breakfast and we had breakfast together. He seemed to be less upset, told me something about his bikes, and he asked me what I wanted to do about our relationship. I told him right now I just want to leave it the way it is, just floating for a while and see what happen. I was at work when he left. He called to leave a message at home saying that he appreciate things I did for him and my kindness given our situation but he has not have a change of heart. However, he said to leave the situation it is for several weeks or a month and then we can go from there.
I know in my heart that our marriage is about to end. I also know in my heart there is a very very slim chance of saving it if I do everything right in the next few weeks. It means make him feel better when he is with me, make him feel cared for, appreciated and truly believe that I change and will put him the first in my life. Then, he might be more willing to stay a little bit longer and might eventually think of saving our marriage. Or he might not. Because feeling is such a vulnerable thing that is is changing contantly and hard to predict. I know I have to do everything perfectly. Otherwise, our marriage won't stand a chance. I am devastated inside. I cry easily and miss him terriblely. I lost my appetize. I mary for life and holding all the hope of a happy family with husband and kids. I work hard to secure a financial future for both of us. I cook a lot to save us money because I dont' want to spend too much money eat out. Since we got married, we've accomplished a lot of things together. I finished school and get a good job. I supported him to go back to school when we got married and he will be finishing his school next month. We have a house together. He works hard, get a raise. I get along very well with his family. I thought we've done a lot of important things together. But along that road, I am losing my husband. Isn't it sad? He said that kind of life is boring, I just worry about cooking and making money, there are other things, too. The fact is if I don't work, we can't afford the house. I love him but anybody please give me an objective opinion. Am I wrong when I am doing all this? Or am I wrong because I put those things before my husband deep down emotional needs? Or are we just simple two different people with diffrent values in life? And what should I do now? I do not want a divorce. I believe every marriage has problem and love is a commitment to build a marriage, not just a feeling. It starts with a feeling, but not just a feeling. But he simple just doesnt share that idea with me. How do I make him fall in love with me again and stay married?
I need help. The other thing I worry is he now comes and goes as he pleases. What if he meets somebody else?

Maybe he already has met someone. I listen to Harley's radio show, and he has said that people realize they have lost their love for their spouse when they realize that they have love for someone else. Your H left for several days. Was there someone waiting for him when he was gone?

Try Surviving an Affair as a book to read. Your H is unlikely to admit to an A, so you would need to expose it.

Hi JTMS,

I feel you all the way. I've been married for almost 2 years. I'm 33 and my H is 32. We have gone through 2 separations and #3 was not far behind. It does hurt. It hurts really bad when you love someone and you thought that because they married you that they feel the same way. Many people take marriage very lightly. They think once they start having problems that they can just leave if they're not satified with the person they vowed to marry or they make up reasons to justify to get out of the arrangement. Some view marriage as a short term agreement not a life long committment for BETTER OR FOR WORSE. What was it that made him fall in love with you in the first place? Were you outgoing? It sounds like he is. He's young. He doesnt seem like a homebody. Right now your H isn't thinking about those vows he made all he is thinking about is pleasing self. If you love him fight for him. Not physically but enduringly. Don't give up or give in. Go back to being the way you were before you guys got married. After all that is what attracked him to you right? Dont let your self esteem go either. Even if he does find someone else and I hope he doesnt. You have to believe that marriage alone should not be the sole factor happiness. Your attractive and I'm sure wouldn't have a problem findind a man but that's not the issue. You have to be a solider and tough this out. This falls under the part of "For worse" You may feel like you just cant do it but you can and apparently he loved you enough to marry you that says alot. He may have had some selfish reasons but he did it. You didnt force him. No 2 peopls are the same. Just because your not compatible at everything is not a good excuse to bail out. He misses his freedom and he should have thought about that before he said "I do". Also, I think he does love you. I think he may be really mean he has fallen out of love with you. Kind of like me and my husband. We both didnt invsion this is the way marriage should be but I think this is the way it should be. Even the most perfect marriage has problems. For you this is one of them, you have to see it as that and if your not sure what to do counseling should be considered. At least they can offer you some qualified advise. I hope things work out. Don't allow yourself to get too down. You have to contiune to take care of yourself despite this "thorn is your flesh". Try to keep youeself busy and do all you can to save your marriage before you give up.

Have your read about plan A? Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? If not, get on the ball. You can probably get the book at your local bookstore or library.

I did not have the good fortune to find this site until over a year after my divorce was final so I can not give you good MB-centered advice on saving it. You might try asking your questions on the Emotional Needs board. Or the General Questions II board.

One thing I believe you can't often afford to skimp on is good counseling. A counselor familiar with the Harley concepts, perhaps even Steve or Jennifer since the do a lot of telephone counseling might be wonderful for your marriage.

Could the two of you do the emotional needs questionnaire? Have you done it? Are their other ways you could meet his need for recreational companionship?

Broken heart and arm, I know those people who go to the desert with him. I can't say 100 % that he's not having an affair but I dont think he does at this time. He seems to be emotionally very unstable to handle it.
Desire, I think everything you said applies for my situation. And I do think that I have to stand by him with my faith that thing is going to be better.
cinderella, I haven't read His needs, Her needs. He's trying to shut me off now, therefore, I can't convince him to take me on the trip with him.
He came back from the desert and went to his friend's house to watch the Super Bowl and have dinner with them. He came home about 8 p.m, unloaded his bike and went to the computer room. I was watching T.V. The only conversation we had is I ask how the trip was and how his friends are doing. He said Good, and Fine. He looks like he's upset, which is not normal because he usually looks happy when he got back from the trip. I think he's just upset at himself because he found no reason to fault me.
I started thinking to myself that I can't not live his life and deal his problems. If he has issues, he has to work it out himself. He can't put it on me. I am not going to play his rule, up and down with his mood. He will play by my rule. I make a committment to myself that I will always keep a possitive attitute and a kiss goodbye with my sad face. I have to develop a sense of humor in this situation and be in my best behavior, and nurture my self-esteem. If I lose it, I lose everything. It will be very hard because there will be times I miss him very much or there will be times I feel sorry for myself but not matter how I feel, I have to stand by my committment. Feeling sometimes is just a spoil brat or an excuse for us to be lazy.
I have all these time in my hand and I need to spend it for myself. My sister's getting married next month. There are a lot ot do to plan.
I will keep checking on him everyday just to make sure that he's safe and he will be home. I think that is the best I can do.
Plus, I talked to his mom and she said first he is very stubborn, and second, he thinks everything will come easy for him. It ain't gonna happen, especially in a marriage. Marriage is a process, an ongoing project that both have to work hard on and sacrifice for it. If he's not willing to do it or not even understand it, he won't make a good long time partner for me anyway.
I still care for him in my heart. It still hurts me very bad inside whenever I think about what could have been if I had known about his feeling earlier but I guess sometimes in life, we all have to accept losses, and mistakes, that is how we grow up.
Everyday, I think of myself that I deserve a better life and I will make it happen someday. My faith keeps me going.