I started to hijack another thread, so here I am... I'd especially love some feedback from subdf.

Something just seems off. My very first thread on MB was just before the A was exposed. I felt bad because my H was telling me I was uncommitted.

Well, at the time I was struggling to get over what I thought was an EA that had ended at the very latest when he broke my arm four months earlier. At the time that he broke my arm because I was threatening to call her, he had promised not to see Sophia again, and I believed him. He had told me of a voice message to him in early January, 2002, and that was all.

I am suspicious, but not just of the possibility of renewed contact. MC #2 said "He'll do the minimum to appease you." Maybe my questioning of his sincerety is because Sophia called and left him a voice message just before Christmas, 2003, and so I am comparing what happened in January 2002 to what happened in December 2003. I don't know.

It really bothers me, too, that he says I am not committed. I have concluded that I will not stay in a bad M, but what is a good M? I told him that I am willing to go through the MB program. He complained about how I didn't meet his needs, and how I have gotten so fat. Yep, I gained 35 pounds since January 2002. That's a lot. I realize that it is my anti-depressent, and one of the reasons why I won't stay in a bad M is I can see what a bad effect it has on my health. I don't want to sedate myself with food anymore.

What is he doing differently? He said he's willing to go through the MB program. First assignment is to spend 15 hours per week together. Well, we were spending no time alone together. Last week we spent 8 hours. That's not a bad start. There are lots of things that need to change. He joined my health club so we could exercise together, I have talked to some other parents of small children and will be swapping babysitting, and I bought a crock pot so that we could exercise after his work and come home to a meal ready to go on the table. Still, something just seems off. I am dealing with a person capable of maintaining dishonesty for several months and blaming me for being suspicious. As a result, I question his sincerety. He told me that he isn't sure he wants to continue in a marriage in which I continue to be suspicious and one false move and he's out... I'm confused. Is there a continuum of bad marriage to great marriage, or do marriages tend to settle into either bad/neglectful or abusive or good/caring and loving. I don't know. For years, I felt we had an OK if distant marriage, and I was willing to settle for it because of a conservative Catholic commitment to marriage. Now I am just plain confused about what to do or how to think about this. I've heard Harley on his radio show say that 100% of the people who complete his program have great marriages, and I told my H that I am willing to go through the program.

Well, what am I missing? Why is it everything is so confused? Am I fooling myself still, putting off the difficult decision of moving to being a single mother?

brokenheartandarm-
I have been reading your story for a long time. I do not blame you for wondering if your H is sincere. This is the man that was supposed to love, honor, and cherish you. Instead he broke your arm.

You have a right not to trust him. Also he should love you no matter how much weight you have gained. It is going to be a long uphill battle to get the marriage you deserve, but hold out for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I question his sincerety</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should!

Here are some other things I suggest that you spend some time considering:
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• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would you go through the MB program when the harleys themselves say it doesn't work in abusive relationships? Is there any doubt in your mind that your h is abusive?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You asked what are you missing. Could it be an interpretation of the Bible that you can call your own? My exposure to the Catholic beliefs are rather limited, and I don't want to be insensitive to a person's choice of faith. It's my understanding, however, that even the Bible makes allowances for divorce. It doesn't say that we're to stay married 'no matter what.' That may not be consistent with what you've been taught, and I strongly suggest you question what you've been taught.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please give some additional scrutiny to your MBer of choice. You have enough fog already.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dr. Harley talked with Tom personally to gauge if he "passed the test" to get into the MB program. He said that Tom is saying all the right things. He has been in anger management for two years.

Now the test is whether he will put the effort into following the MB program, starting with 15 hours/week. We made 8 hours together last week. Two nights ago, he said, "What's in it for me? I'm putting a lot of effort into meeting your needs, and you aren't meeting mine" because you're not committed. Well, Harley basically said that the test is in the behavior that each of us is willing to follow. If we follow his program, our marriage will be fine, but both of us need to follow it. Harley told me that Tom is indicating "You're not worth the effort." It's up to Tom. The ball is in his court. I am saying I am committed to going through a progrma of recovery, not that I am willing to stay in the marriage no matter what.

I'm beginning to realize that what Harley's program does is not so much save marriages as end bad marriages. If both parties aren't willing, well, he seems to encourage the neglected/abused/betrayed spouse to move on. I'm not sure, but that is the impression I now have.

You can ignore my opinion but I feel if your husband HAD TO FORCE HIMSELF to PUT IN 8 hours a week being with you then he does not really love you.

I feel that he should WANT to be around you. WANT to spend that time with you. WANT the 15 hours a week and MORE if he could get it.

Heck, I want to spend more than 15 hours a week with my big orange cat, "Bob".

If you have to "force" every "naturally kind act" and "loving thing" in your marriage, then what is the USE?

What a lot of energy to spend for NOTHING.

This husband of yours seems to be an "energy stealer" having you focus on him rather than living your life in a productive and happy way.

Will he change? Only you will know. I would not wait too long. Don't wait long enough for him to break your other arm!

Baba2,
What MB really is doing is helping me to regain my personal dignity. I fit into some pants today that I haven't worn in several months. No dieting, no weighing myself, nothing. I figured out that I have been sedating myself with food, and I decided to stop sedating myself by getting away from being put down.

What Harley does is more or less say "dive in" or end the M -- put effort into creating a great M or end it. Tom seems to be showing some reluctance. That's just fine to go ahead and do the behaviors, feeling "forced". The question is not how you feel but how you choose to behave. I feel like I'm being let out of prison -- a prison of my own mind which tells me I need to hang on and hope for him to change. This program is structured and says change now or separate. I have made my choice. The ball is in his court.

BAAH, good!

Go for it. I am glad you are feeling better about YOURSELF. You are precious. I know stress does that same thing to me too.

Our own minds are powerful things. Now, you will be able to set boundaries, etc. Not just in your marriage but in life.

Good Luck!

Thanks, baba2. I've gone to a DivorceCare group three times now, and last night the people told me that I really seemed different. I'm done with a bad marriage, simple as that, and the MB program says to give it three months. Three months. That puts out out to near our May 1 wedding anniversary. I'll do my level best until then.