It seems that though you are different personality types, you and your h share values, top being your relationship. My STBX and I do not share values. And the whole thing about using your strengths as weapons against your spouse. My STBX is great at the verbal twisting and manipulation.

Donnie

I know too well the dangers of being in an emotional desert and all of the sudden someone comes along that starts meeting previously unmet needs. In fact, this happened to me through MB. My husband left in March 01 and I started reading the divorce/divorcing forum at that time. In May I became so impressed with one poster's answers to others that I registered and began what was an intense 5 months of MB therapy, as I refer to it. I was totally hooked on this board and I developed an emotional attraction to one poster in particular that was probably unhealthy for me. I also met many other wonderful people who helped me and supported me when I really needed it and I am forever grateful.
My best friend today is a MB buddy so I do know that friendships can develop from those good vibes coming from your love bank right now.

I am a people person and yes, when I find that connection with someone on an intellectual basis or recreational basis, it generally does start producing immediate deposits into my bank.

Love bank deposits don't have to lead to an emotional affair. It takes a level of maturity, an understanding of the love bank concepts and how they affect you emotionally and a willingness to look inward in order to determine whether a relationship is becoming inappropriate. Should we be made to feel we are doing something wrong because we are having an adult discussion about issues that affect us? I don't think so. You have to set the boundaries with what you are comfortable with.

For instance, I tend to be a bit of a wild child if placed in a tempting environment. Therefore, I tend to avoid putting myself into situations which may result in temptation. Does this mean that it is wrong to sit at a bar, talk to a guy and have a drink?

The answer is no. The concept itself is not wrong but it may be wrong for me. Only I know how a situation will affect me and where I will draw my personal boundaries. That's why I said it was totally up to you whether you felt comfortable with the idea. I think I've been around a while, people know me here to some extent, and while I've always told the truth here, some things I just don't want to share. Plus, like you, I've suggested that several of my friends, including my ex husband, should read the Harley concepts and it would not take long for them to figure out who I am on these boards.

Neither you nor I or any other poster has an obligation to this board. I've offered support where I can and have received support when needed. I've conducted myself in a honest and open way but I do not have a committment or an obligation to continue posting. In fact, I had basically stopped until your post caught my eye.

At the beginning of my time here, I felt as if I had to give as much as I received. I no longer think that. I have never referred to myself as selfish but over that past 3 years, I have learned to be more attentive to my needs. I came here to learn more about Harley's basic concepts and how to apply them to my life. Along the way, I hope I helped someone by offering a word of encouragement or allowing someone to feel they were no alone in what was happening to them. But what I came here to do was heal myself and grow.

When I first responded to your post, it was because I saw someone who was genuinely interested in self-exploration and growth. I was intrigued by the notion that you would find it thrilling to apply the MB principles in a real situation and create an environment of true love and fulfillment. You refered to it as an opportunity and that fit my way of thinking so much. I hope that I'll find someone with whom I'll have an opportunity to do the same.

I suppose by your acknowledgement that I'm making deposits into your account is a great start. It raises your awareness level and you know where you need to set your boundaries.

I'll leave it at that for now.

Lynn

Greengables

Drucilla brought to mind something I wanted to ask you. It’s in your funny side note. How is reading a common interest? Did your STBX read the same things with you and did you share the content together? It’s a great Idea.

I have a big need to play. Would you believe that best and only real recreational companionship with my STBX was when we went to counseling? This was the first time I can ever remember doing something together so consistently. Every Thursday afternoon for 12 weeks, a one hour session and than dinner afterward. It was great! I thought about continuing through out the summer months and was going to consider it my $90.00 a week date with my STBX. I’m sure I would have paid more but opted to take the summer off together and work on our relationship. This obviously didn’t fly or I wouldn’t be referring to her as my STBX. LOL It did teach me something I’m wondering if you have any experience with? The consistency I was experiencing with her was meeting my need to the point where I was finding her more interesting than the counseling. Like What??

She never did understand this. For a while I thought it was a little bit silly that Harley would suggest we write things down on a calendar but I’m now seeing another idea who’s time has come. It seems to me that a schedule and a commitment did nothing at all to hamper how I felt about spending time with my STBX but rather kept me on track long enough to feel its benefit. Would you agree, disagree? My thoughts these days are sporadic so I hope you don’t mind when I jump in and ask something of you, OK?

Donnie

Dru

The funniest thing about the Bassmasters tourny's is that I had a blast too. I suppose it was because that I was totally meeting his needs during those times and we were able to play and talk and touch... Good times those were. Looking back, I think I would have also been as content in a beach house at Edisto or sight seeing in Washington DC but for him to be completely happy, he had to be doing something he wanted to do. I was never enough or at least it seemed that way.

I know I keep repeating this theme Donnie, but I can relate to your comment about counseling counting as rec companionship. While my ex and I did have conflicting work schedules, we also did not have common interests. He had many opportunites to change to 1st shift but preferred 3rd due to having 3 days off during the week that he could spend doing his own thing and then he worked or slept all weekend when we could have been doing things together. I love sports. I love football, college or NFL (4 years at a great ACC football school (an oxymoron? LOL) and not one game did he visit and attend with me. I love Atlanta Braves Baseball. Did he ever watch a game with me? nope. Managed to get him to Atlanta twice but it was like pulling teeth. He did not enjoy it therefore it adversely affected my enjoyment as well. I thought he would love D.C. with all the Smithsonian stuff and the monuments so I managed to sneek him along on a business trip. He spent the entire 4 days sulking. No true conversation, no sex, no nothing. I knew then that something was wrong but in typical fashion, I let it roll off me to avoid conflict. My heart's desire is that someone can be honest and open with me no matter what the circumstance. Don't try to protect my feelings with lies. The lies hurt worse. I never could get him to understand that.

Yet I endured countless hours of Bill Dance and Jimmy Houston (I actually like Jimmy) and even that brief stint with the WWF, yikes.... Things I didn't really like but was willing to develop an interest in just to be able to relate to him and have something to create a connection. Evenutally our time at home was reduced to him downstairs watching TV, and me upstairs fulfilling his desire just to be left alone. After a while I guess I just quit trying. Instead of trying to talk to him, I just went up and turned a ballgame on or played with the kids. I couldn't take the rejection at that point.

Don't get me wrong. We were good friends and I'm still a good friend to him when he seeks it(friendship.. nothing else..), but now I realize how one-sided the relationship was. I provided shelter, food, advice, and sex and he let me provide shelter, food, advice and sex... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> LOL.

Example..I love the water. My Dad lives on the lake. If we went there even begrudingly, he would fish instead of swim, ride the jetski's or my favorite activity ... a canoe ride up the creek channel. ( Donnie, that is true, I promise... ironic yes but true <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This goes back to the core differences GG brought up. I really wonder why I didn't stop and see the truth of the situation before we married. We were together 5 years before we married. You would think I would have seen. In fact, he never really proposed or bought my ring, etc. We were just talking one day and decided it made sense for us to get married. Comfortable... that's what it was....

I like comfortable but I now also crave excitement. I crave the raw desire to do something wild, to share a fantasy or just runaway for a while together doing something we both find interesting and stimulating.

I had an experience earlier last year that I won't share the details of here but suffice it to say, it changed my perspective on sex. While I thought I had a satisfying marital sex life, I really just didn't know any better.. Turns out that my ex was quite the selfish lover as well.... I'll leave how I discovered this up to your imaginations. Now, my concept of SF has changed. Fair or not fair, I have a certain idea of what I want. I've caught myself thinking I want to be a bad girl but in a good relationship. I want to be able to express my desires and fanatasys. I want to truly share this part of my life with someone. It's a wierd place to be. By no means do I want to become a "player". I don't even want to put any type of pressure or anything like that on a future partner, so how do I go about expressing this new found part of my life without creating ackwardness?

I guess it depends on the person. Although I don't have a sordid past, I do have a pattern of jumping into bed way too quick... For example I slept with husband after knowing him 1 day and having maybe 2 hours of conversation. BUT I made that one last 17 long years so I don't have guilt there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I've seen the same pattern develop in my last 2 attempts at dating and I know I have to find a way to change my behavior.

Anyway, I fully agree that anytime you start a Sexual fullfillment thread, that you get lots of opinions. I guess if I want to learn to open up to expressing my needs and desires in the bedroom, I might as well start here, LOL....

Have a great night everybody and thanks so much for your comments and support. I've learned alot today.

Lynn

Hi!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">by Lynn: I know I keep repeating this theme Donnie, but I can relate to your comment about counseling counting as rec companionship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it says a LOT when a BS or an S is so desperate for Conversation and Rec. Companionship that they are thankful for MC sessions and bass tourneys as their only outlet... dont you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">by Lynn: he had to be doing something he wanted to do. I was never enough or at least it seemed that way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I mean, yes, I was (sigh) thankful to get out of the house and accompany my exH to... junkyards and flea markets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , and I met some... nice people there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , but...

do I have to finish the but...?

On the rare occasions I COULD get him to join me at a casual dinner w/friends or family, or something (gasp!) I wanted to do, he POUTED the whole way through... leaving me wanting to go home early... everytime.

Again, this was MY weakness... not HIS problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Take care - Dru

Well, we both like to read. My STBX finishes a book every two days more or less. Plus he reads the New York Times. I hate the New York Times because STBX would be reading it cover to cover while I did Sunday chores. If we went on a family outing, we first had to stop and pick up a copy of the Times for him to read while I drove.
Then, while I was working or driving, he’d read parts of to me, driving me nuts. It was like flaunting that he didn’t have to do the chores or that the Times was more interesting than talking to me. Plus if the Times printed it, it was true. If it wasn’t in the Times, it wasn’t true. Period.

The problem with reading is the same problem as going to the movies. You’re essentially two beings physically together, but emotionally and intellectually separate.

And no we rarely discussed books. In the end, I avoided all real discussion, because my STBX’s preferred discussion technique is debate. An occasional debate is fine, but every time a topic comes up! Plus, STBX debates to win. And even Steve finally agreed that when one person is out to win, there will be a loser. If I didn’t fight back, debate back, I lost. Not in my own eyes, but in my STBX’s eyes.

Oh, there were a lot of control issues. STBX really had to be in control of conversations. Conversation actually ended up as an LB for me because of his annoying habits. LOL.

We were just so incompatible.

Dru, I feel your pain. When the kids came, I couldn’t go to flea markets, auctions, junk shops all Saturday and Sunday. I was so relieved. My STBX did give a darn that I was bored to tears. We stopped at several on our honeymoon. Sigh.

Dru, Lynn and greengables,

I sit for what seems like hours these day and read your posts. I print them out and write notes. I&#8217;m trying to see through your eyes and seem to learn more from what you don&#8217;t like rather than what you like. That seems to be the way I learned from my STBX what she liked. I would have to say that was certainly true for me as well. I suppose the LB&#8217;s of our relationship brought us to that level of learning about each other&#8217;s needs. It&#8217;s a funny way to learn. Since I&#8217;m a man reading predominately female postings&#8217;, I quite naturally find myself in the male role of your postings. It&#8217;s disturbingly true of some of my own behavior.

Please don&#8217;t think I&#8217;m being critical, I&#8217;m just trying hard to listen. You all are speaking to me as I read your posts. I confess to finding myself in the place of your X or your STBX place when I read or reread your posts. I see myself as being the biggest Love busting culprit during my marriage and If my STBX were posting here I wonder if she would sound a lot like the three of you. I would hate to count how many times in anger I told my STBX what I didn&#8217;t like expecting her to know afterward what I liked. I might in anger say, &#8220;you never want to go on vacation with me, or bike ride with me.&#8221; I suppose the idea that her companionship would be meaningful to me wouldn&#8217;t really get through.

As I sit and think about this my LB&#8217;s probably kept my STBX from becoming my RC. I can certainly sense a little of that on the male end of your postings. I wonder how I could do this differently. I do realize I&#8217;m reading things that are points in history and certainly don&#8217;t know every body&#8217;s story. Any suggestions?

The future is what really interests me. Learning how to reduce the number of mistakes I&#8217;ve made with my STBX. If you all acknowledge a need for RC you all must have some sort of future outlook toward newer relationships. I certainly do. How would you write the program to be sure this need got met and met well if it was left up to you.

I like the chapter in HNHN on RC but I realize it is neatly set up in a text book and realty can be a good bit different. I ask myself how I would begin to lay the ground work in a future relationship to firm up a good continuing flow of RC.

Thanks, Donnie