Me and wife have been seperated for a little over a year,was her choice not mine,i have fought for our marriage for almost the full year.We have been married for 18 years and have 2 daughters 15 and 13..at the beginning of our seperation,the girls lived with her.She was once a awsome mom.and slowly during this period,she became something alot less than...leaving the girls alone for long periods of time.sleeping all day,and not making them goto school.

It was bad..so i came in and took control..i had always felt she was seeing someone else but she denied.
She would lead me on with one minute talking of getting back together.then leaving and staying gone for weeks at a time.no calls..she at one time got mixed up in drugs,and i was sure the guy she was getting them from was who she was involved in.Turned out to be true so i told her we needed to divorce,i just found out other day that this guy is physically abusing her.

19 years together i never once touched a hair on her head,and now she leaves me and our daughters for this???Should i get involved in this matter? or leave it alone,i feel if i dont it will show i have no feelings for her,which i do..but i cant get the thoughts of her with this guy.who is a nasty scumbag (funny what drugs will do)out of my head,and i dont know if i could ever be with her again,altho i love her dearly..im lost

I'm hoping your daughters are with you and out of your wife's residence if your wife is being physically abused by this "man". I would fear for their safety, physical is not the only kind of abuse.

When you say "get involved in this matter", what do you mean? Personally? Physically?
If it were me and I was going to get involved, I would talk to the police FIRST. I don't know the statistics but I think domestic disputes calls are considered to be among the most dangerous that an officer responds to.

While you love your wife and may want to stop any abuse, please remember you have two daughters, and they need a father, a daddy.

From a practical standpoint, have you done anything to safeguard your savings and other assets? I personally know someone whose life's savings were taken by a child from their account and spent on drugs. They found out when their savings were all gone, too late, all gone.

And sadly, you may be at risk or already exposed to STD's.

I feel your pain and I understand your feeling you may not want to ever be with her again. I didn't want to touch my WW for quite a long time, the thought of her being with someone else broke my heart and turned my stomach. I was basically over that barrier - until my WW said the OM's name during sex last weekend. Talk about taking the wind out of your sails.

Stay safe.

STD's and what u mentioned among other things would be my biggest fears,(we havent had sex since december of last year so im safe from that i think)when this 1st started 6 months ago,which was around the time she got with this clown was when she started leaving the girls alone,and not spending time with them or making them goto school.

I then took the girls from her and moved them in with me.By getting involved i mean going and crushing this punks face in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> its someone that knows me from other people and yet still pursued this relationship with my wife.Beleive me my girls are 1st and foremost thats why i havent got involved as of yet.

My point is this,1st he takes my wife slap in the face to me #1 then..hits on her,and abuses her?? When i asked her what i have heard she told me he was but not as bad as what i hear..yeah right..

I asked her why she would put up with this knowing she never had to with me.someone who loved her dearly for 19 years she said she had nowhere else to go,talk about a heartbreaker to me.but i tried to fix this relationship for a year with hit and miss reactions from her,the fact that she has been with someone else turns my stomach,and expecially this scumbag.

Im torn one part of me wants to ride in on the white horse and save my wife from this,then another part of me thinks after all she did to me and our daughters she is getting what she deserves..but NO woman deserves to be hit...

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 09:22 AM: Message edited by: what-in-the ]</small>

First off, I'm glad you took your daughters out of that mess. Secondly, YOU CANNOT SAVE HER/CHANGE HER--she has to want to do that HERSELF. Any addiction, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. can't be stopped by you wishing it were so. This probably all sounds trite, but it's the truth--she has to hit bottom. She has to admit she has a problem and has to want to fix it. YOU on the other hand, should get counseling for YOU, probably even for your girls. Don't wait on this!!! Perhaps if your wife sees that you are getting help FOR YOURSELF to deal with this problem, she will realize SHE needs help, too. Right now it seems to me that this is all that's in your power to do. RUN DON'T WALK to a therapist, take care of you & your daughters--and I hope your W comes around...

Your 100% right Emerald i cant change her,and i figured this out over the last year,the funny thing is the only time i really miss her is when my plate is full with life and the girls,she was always there as a teammate if you will to help with the load.Counseling is probally in order to some degree for my daughters for sure

Don't say probably to counseling--DO IT! Your kids are just at the age where they start listening to their friends and life at Mom's sounds like just what teenagers LOVE--no rules! I never enforced rules like homework done at a certain time, bedtime, chores around the house, things expected of children so they feel they are part of the family unit and contributing--not to mention you are preparing them for their grown up lives! My kids are a bit older than yours, but when they were, say grammar school age, they were the top of their classes, wonderful, polite, never had to yell at them, etc. Once they hit middle school, however, their friends mattered more and their schoolwork suffered. Thank God they never did drugs or got into trouble in other ways, but we didn't do them any favors by just letting them float along because we were too busy with out own problems. What I'm trying to say is you're trying to hold it all together and it's tough, you work long hours. Your kids need someone to HEAR them and direct them (along with you, of course). Also they're girls--they might have things they feel funny discussing with their dad--a counselor is perfect for non-judgemental advice. Let's face it, their Mom ain't there for them right now, right?

Emerald,thats just the thing..there is no life at moms.mom has no place, either living with this clown,now after he abused her,she is at her parents like 260 miles away.The worst part of this is my daughters are missing out on a mom and that really angers me that she could be this selfish to put her girls thru all this

what-in-the

I feel for you. Lots going on here.

Even if you don't want to get back with her, seems like you might want to be able to look back on this experience and say you did what you felt was right. 19 years is a long time, lots of baggage there I imagine...she went to him for a reason, even though it might very well be a bad one. But, I doubt she ever thought it would be like it is...if you think it will do you and her good to get involved, do it, there's nothing wrong with that.

After 19 years, no matter what happened, your involvement might be a good closure mechanism or might open the door on your relationship...who knows. At the end of the day, what are the plusses and minuses of acting or staying idle?

Bottom line, if you care for her, try to softly help her regardless of what the outcome between you and her ends up being. If you decide that you still care for her, be nice, nothing rash, avoid all conflict, try to honestly help...

In basic reflection, ask yourslef this: 'If I don't try to help her or rwach out to her, what will be the ramifications of that? Does it matter to me if I do? Or, am I seriously worried he'll hurt her?' <-- if you think he'll hurt her, get the police involved, don't take matters in your own hands by any means. Focus on how you feel about it, no one else.

All the best,

Karl

WIT:

There is nothing you can or should do. It is all her now. Get help and move on. You will not save her. Let her go.

She's a big girl.

KW thx for the post you make alot of sense,my problem si that the guy she is involved with is the kind of person that may or may not hurt her,i would hope she is smart enough to stay away..but im hearing rumors that she is calling some of his friends from where she is (260 miles away) and checking on him to see how he is..that really burns me.And i also heard the night he abused her she left the place there staying and walked in the night.

DANGEROUS!! she is like 5ft3 and weighs like 110 blonde..she coulda been abducted on the streets.but she called some friends to come pick her up...then he came there later and she left with him!!

she was raised around her dad drinking and beating her mom many many times..she always said how lucky she was to have marriied someone who didnt hit or physically abuse her..and now this,and going back to it...

My main concern is simply this yes i still love her dearly..i mean 19 years we have alot of memories..but this guy she has been with is a scumbag.i mean a nasty older guy speed (drugs) user and looks the part..im wondering that if we somehow did try to reconsile could i touch her again..i mean with the visions of her and him..my stomach just turns at the thought.

As far as the police.i was wondering why she left that night and didnt call them herself..i guess when ur on those damn drugs,your mind isnt right