My husband and I separated in early January after months of fighting. I feel that for the last 3 years he has neglected my needs,not been there for me emotionally and controlled all I did. As a result of my feelings, I started an affair. The affair has recently come to light and is now over. I am attempting to get my marriage back on track but I currently feel like my husband is using the affair to stop taking responsiblity for his treatment of me. He now wants me to seek professional help because he feels that I suffer from depression and that he really did not treat me that badly and that because of the depression I only saw the bad stuff not the good stuff. The problems we had prior to the affair are still there. He is resorting to dishonest tactics to get me back. There are times when I look at him and tell him that I do not like the person he has become but now he tells me that if it was not for the affair then he would not be the person he is today. I have a lot of anger towards him about how he treated me and I cannot get past this anger. How do I get up enough strength and courage to walk away? We have started counseling which I am willing to go to but I feel like now everything will come down as my fault when I know that I am only 50% responsible.
I have 2 daughters.

Hi!
I read your post and your story tugs at my heart. There's a familiar ring (in parts) to my own.
I was married for 14 years to a man I believed I loved...could learn to love. He is ambitious, driven to succeed, and has a need for total control in every aspect of his life...and I've come to realize that I was just "one aspect" of his life. I felt his love for me was "conditional"...and that I didn't "measure up to his expectations"...as a dutiful wife, mother and lover. In the end I felt that my life was under a microscope, always scrutinized, always criticized...always faulted if things don't go "his way". I found safety in my work, my children, my friends...but like a double edged sword was berated for not wanting to "spending time with him". Regretfully, shamefully, I crossed that fine line and had an affair with a man who has been during my darkest years, my best friend and confidante, my sounding board, my "unconditional safety"...The affair (short-lived and riddled with guilt) was discovered and I (as a result from a threat of divorce if I didn't "seek professional help to get my head screwed on straight") sought counselling...at first by myself, but then as a couple in our attempts to salvage our marriage.

Since that fateful day when my (now)xh found out about the affair, my life was dark and filled with fear. My xh always was a "snoop" by nature, but felt this affair gave him carte blanche rights to invade every aspect of my privacy...from checking my cell phone records, email history, my work dayplanner, my pocket book...I accepted that the "trust" was broken and that as I had nothing to hide, I tried to reassure myself that things would get better...NOT!! I felt my life invaded...every move I made under a magnifying glass...like I was under "house arrest"... Through counselling, he claimed to have "forgiven" but "not forgotten" and that he loved me unconditionally...but like that ace in his back pocket...would repeatedly bring up the affair. His controlling demeanor spilled into the bedroom...I'd rather not discuss this as it's quite painful... But, I always felt that my life would forever have this "dark cloud" hanging over it...and that at any moment's notice (ie when things didn't go his way)...that the affair would once again rear it's ugly head.

Anyway, I encourage counselling...We attended counselling for over a year...we really did try to salvage our marriage but...ours led to the realization/admission (on my part), that it wouldn't work. Through counselling, I was able to finally realize that we all deserve to be happy...and we need to figure out what it is that would make us happy...I was so busy trying to please others...especially my xh (& always feeling like it didn't matter what I said/didn't say, do/didn't do...it was never good enough). This was a huge epipheny to me...that yes...I do deserve to be happy...and my happiness was not with him. This admission pushed my xh over the top...his volatile emotions (bitter/resentful/anger) really did scare me at times...but with help/encouragement through counsellors, family and my dear friends, I was able to find the strength and voice to tell my xh that I didn't want to be married to him. My xh quit counselling...I continue to go...

I filed for D may 03 and the D was final 12/03. My boys (9 & 12) have been wonderful through all this...I understand that this is an extremely difficult time for them as well. They seem to be adjusting to life in 2 households quite well (I opted for equal shared physical custody). I on the other hand find myself struggling at times emotionally...I thought this time would be liberating...but that's for another discussion.

Forgive my ramblings...I never meant to go on and on about my story...Please do go seek counselling. It's good to get an impartial 3rd party perspective on things as well as feeling safe discussing certain "heated" issues with an moderator/referee. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong!

2girls,

I can understand your frustration at your H's actions toward you but in reality,having an A is NEVER the right way to solve any problem.A wife and husband are each 50% responsible for the state of the marriage yes,but YOU are 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair and all the consequences/fallout regarding that.

Now I am not excusing your H for how he treated you nor am I suggesting that everything is all your fault but you both could have taken steps to help eachother BEFORE getting to the place you are now.And you have shown your two daughters what bad behavior is,how to hurt those that you love and also how not to appropriately deal with problems in a marriage.Same could be said for your H and "ignoring" your needs for the past 3 years as you have stated.
I don't know how old your girls are but I am sure they have been negatively affected by what is going on in your home.

The good news here is that you and your H are both willing,albeit not whole heartedly maybe,to work on your marriage and perhaps make it a better one for you both and for your girls.I hope you have an impartial counselor who understands and can focus on the issues at hand and not make it a blame game.So hopefully you won't feel as if your the only cause to the effect.

Incidentally,how old are you and your H? How long have you been married? How old are your girls?

I would also suggest,if you haven't already,get the books,'His Needs,Her Needs' and 'Survivng an Affair' by Dr.Harley,stay at MB for awhile and read,read read all the concepts here and then come back and post more and we will try to help.Also,see if your H would be willing to come here and do some reading and/or posting too.

Take care.

O

I am 33, my husband is 34, our daughters are 3 and 5. We have been married for 9 years together for 13. I know that an affair is never the answer and I take responsiblity for it. I know that I need to rebuild trust and I am willing to do that but I will not be bullied into a situation I am not ready for. Through the years, I asked to go to counseling and each time, he said no. I am willing to go to counseling but am unwilling to now be blamed for all the problems in our marriage.
ksw2, I appreciate your story, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
\

You should be glad that your husband has not filed for divorce and is willing to work on rebuilding the marriage. Both of you may have contributed to the sad state of the marriage but he did not make you go out and commit adultery. You made that decision to do so. Now you are trying to justify your behaviour by bringing up issues from the past that your husband may had done to you. This twist of logic now makes you feel like the victim and your husband the bully, the real betrayer, who is trying to control you. The problem is that you don't understand the pain that your husband is feeling as a result of your betrayal.
Whatever you perceive he did to you in the past pales in comparison to what you have done when you committed adultery. Unless you understand this the chances are very likely that your 2 small girls will grow up in a divorced home.

Oh, I’m so sorry for your situation. Just one of many reasons not to have an affair is so that your spouse can’t blame everything on you.
Please refuse to share any diagnosis with him about your mental health. It can be used against you. Be very careful here. If you do worry that you’re depressed, go to a psychiatrist, pay for the visits out of pocket, not through insurance.

My STBX told me the same thing. Of course, I had gotten my depression under control until our marriage started disintegrating. Only then I only had two flair ups. But still, my STBX and the last MC were more than certain that depression was a huge problem in our marriage. Hmm. Perhaps, considering that STBX was diagnosed with it during MC. But seriously, his depression only came on when I left him. LOL. So depression was a symptom not a cause. Unfortunately, professionals love a nice tidy bundle and a diagnosis will give them that.

Why are you unwilling to leave? Are you afraid? If so, afraid of what? Do you want to fix the marriage?

Yosh, I have to disagree with you. I don’t think she is justifying her behavior. Rather she’s describing a very difficult situation. So far, it doesn’t really sound like her husband is willing to work on the relationship either. He has accepted no responsibility for creating the conditions that made the affair possible. Those conditions have been clearly stated.

As for his transgressions paling when compared to hers, how do you know? What if he beat her silly? What if he also cheated? Who knows?

As for being willing to rebuild the marriage, we don't know that he is. I’ve known BSs who have refused to go to counseling time and again, refused to address any of the problems in the marriage. Until they discover an affair. Then, they are all for counseling, using the sessions as a way to punish their spouses, and build up their own confidence that they were always right.

That is not a receipt for recovery. In fact, it’s one of the big dangers in marriage counseling.

So far, in this case, neither spouse seems gung-ho on saving the marriage.

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

I have been bringing up past issues for 3 years and they have fallen on deaf ears, these are NOT issues that I have just started talking about. I have asked repeatedly for him to go to counseling and he has refused until now. So, Yosh please make no mistake, I have not just brought up these issues. I am not making myself out to be the victim. We have both wronged each other but his has also betrayed me by not being there for me, and not supporting me. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you have no idea how I have been made to feel for years and we are both equally responsible for the state of our marriage.

Thanks for the post greengables.

Many issues spouses bring up on these boards are actually projections onto the other spouse.
Your H may be depressed, but projects that onto you. And you begin to believe it.
Many of us brought up issues in our M's that fell on deaf ears, and also learned the our spouse's only wanted to use MC to blame and punish.

I'm so glad I'm out of that cycle.

Good Luck to you. Keep up the IC, and if you want to recover the M, follow the MB principles. They tend to work - unless substance, physical or emotional abuse is present.