I have read MB but cannot reach enthusiastic agreement on this issue. Getting a dog really doesn't cut it. Is it a mistake to seek divorce on this issue. Also had a number of issues regarding my own intimate fulfillment with H, and 'woke up' one day to realize that I've been playing Giver without reciprocal giving. Plan to leave but feel the weight of the decision heavily? Any thoughts?

What was your agreement regarding having kids BEFORE you were married?

(Of course people can change their minds after marriage)

Who had the EA? How much of your desire to leave is tied to your H not wanting to have children? As baba asked, what was your agreement before marriage re: kids?

dd

Our agreement when we married was to wait for 5 years,which was fine at the time as I focused on career and 'getting ahead'. After those 5 years H announced that he really did not want to have a family. I now have some age/time concerns as it does become more difficult. I am now the one involved in an EA I believe because of this issue. So, perhaps the two issues are both in play, I'm just so very lost.

This is certainly a hard issue to POJA. I have been on your H's side of it. Two years ago, my H of (then) 14 years told me that for the preceding 6 years he had felt he wanted a child of his own. I have a son from a previous marriage and told him before we got married that I didn't want another child because of my age. At that time he said it was fine. He waited until I was 54 to tell me otherwise. I thought about it for a couple of months and concluded I just did not want to try to adopt a child with him-I had put in my days as a mother and wasn't willing to do that again. For the next 6 months he went back and forth over whether to leave me and try to meet someone who wanted children. We finally worked out a compromise-we have been hosting foreign exchange students. I don't know if that would work for you, or your H. There are also agencies that specialize in placing children for short term foster care-I don't know if that would work for either of you, but you can give it some thought.

In my H's case, he kept insisting he was happy with our marriage otherwise, and the MC we saw pointed out to him that she had a hard time believing he would leave a marriage that he was happy with over one issue-either there were other issues, or maybe he should consider staying in the marriage and making it as good as it could be. As for me, I didn't lean on him one way or the other-I told him if he felt like he had to leave so he could try to find a relationship in which he could have a kid, I'd make the parting as amicable as possible.

So I pass along my MC's suggestion-that maybe this isn't just about having a child. It sounds like there are other issues just from what you say. So maybe you need to do some self exploring-is there anything you could get from this marriage that would make it happy enough to outweigh never having a child? Would you be willing to interact with children in some other way, like exchange students or foster kids, and would your H go along? If the answer to both these questions is "no", then I think you need to leave your marriage, but it is only fair to end it before you get involved with another man.

Lemme see this one..

You want to have a child.

You are having an affair...

What is wrong with this picture?

Are you having the affair so you can conceive a child? Is that a latent desire or something?

If you want to have a child WITH your H, then end your affair and work on your marriage and be radically honest with him and let him know how much you want to start a family. You've both lost touch wtih each other's EN. That happens when other things are ahead of each other..work, etc.

This really hit home to me as my xh just eloped with his mistress. She's preggo with his child and about to have it. She got preggo with another man a few years back too. Kids are very important and are not to be used for another purpose.

If your marriage is this bad and you're posting here on divorced, why do you want kids with him? If you want to end your affair, then end it. Cut it off . No contact. You have to do that if your M is to survive.

Learn about His Needs and Her Needs. Learn about how to end the affair. You can find all the principles on this site. But please do not have a child at all until all of this is resolved one way or another. I hate the fact my child is growing up in a broken home and the fact that another innocent is soon to be born to a mother who used her uterus to get a man. Kids are nothing less than a million percent blessing. You're exactly my age and I am not freaking out that I am not remarried yet although I have a deep desire myself to have another child. And could I have gotten preggo when my x and I were separated yet slept together off an on? Sure. I could have done that. But it would have not been fair to a precious child.

Solve your ADULT issues first and imho, that also means ENDING THE AFFAIR and working on the real issues at hand instead of rationalizing your affair. Work on what is the real basis and that is what's between you and H.

Lemme see this one..

You want to have a child.

You are having an affair...

What is wrong with this picture?

Are you having the affair so you can conceive a child? Is that a latent desire or something?

If you want to have a child WITH your H, then end your affair and work on your marriage and be radically honest with him and let him know how much you want to start a family. You've both lost touch wtih each other's EN. That happens when other things are ahead of each other..work, etc.

This really hit home to me as my xh just eloped with his mistress. She's preggo with his child and about to have it. She got preggo with another man a few years back too. Kids are very important and are not to be used for another purpose.

If your marriage is this bad and you're posting here on divorced, why do you want kids with him? If you want to end your affair, then end it. Cut it off . No contact. You have to do that if your M is to survive.

Learn about His Needs and Her Needs. Learn about how to end the affair. You can find all the principles on this site. But please do not have a child at all until all of this is resolved one way or another. I hate the fact my child is growing up in a broken home and the fact that another innocent is soon to be born to a mother who used her uterus to get a man. Kids are nothing less than a million percent blessing. You're exactly my age and I am not freaking out that I am not remarried yet although I have a deep desire myself to have another child. And could I have gotten preggo when my x and I were separated yet slept together off an on? Sure. I could have done that. But it would have not been fair to a precious child.

Solve your ADULT issues first and imho, that also means ENDING THE AFFAIR and working on the real issues at hand instead of rationalizing your affair. Work on what is the real basis and that is what's between you and H.

The advice on alternative ways to have children in my life are very interesting. Thank you.

I do think that some clarification is in order... I have been radically honest with H about my desire to have a family and always have been. We have been to counselling. After 12 months of impass and continued counselling H summarized the issues as "being all up to me" to decide whether to stay in the marriage or go. I then found myself drifting away with what is to me an untenable ultimatium. I have tried to figure out a way to brainstorm for a compromise that we could both be happy with. But, as pointed out children are not merely trifles to be messed with. I have no intention of becoming pregnant with anyone without their "enthusiasic agreement" or bringing a child into a relationship that is dying/dead? But I remain torn about how to enthusiastically embrace my marriage to H without ever having children.

Hi, I will come out and say this. I know you feel badly that your husband changed his mind about children.

But if you find out that you do not love your husband enough to accept his "changing his mind aobut having kids", and you drift into an Emotional Affair with another man, then you are not ready for children with anyone.

If he "Never" wants kids with you will you still love him? Or do you love him now? Please explore this for yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
But if you find out that you do not love your husband enough to accept his "changing his mind aobut having kids", and you drift into an Emotional Affair with another man, then you are not ready for children with anyone .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot agree with this "not ready for children with anyone"; maybe wish to have the kid is stronger than being with anyone (else)?

C.&Sad, think very well what you DO want, because YOU have to decide!
Imagine you have just two options: to be mom or to be with your H?
Also imagine yourself when you are too old to get a baby... would you regret your decision to stay with no kid!? I mean - could you decide not to have the kid now to keep your M, and - not be unhappy when it's late to give birth...?

Whatever you choose - don't look at back... ever...

Btw, your EA is not way out... Your way out is this decision you have to make than go for it...

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]</small>

PS: I would always choose to be a mom, no man would be SO important if I had to choose!
If now someone tells me it isn&#8217;t love for spouse, I&#8217;d answer it isn&#8217;t love not to want to have kids with them either&#8230;
Talking about love&#8230; love for kids is ONLY eternal and pure love&#8230; I&#8217;d never give it up&#8230;
(I accept people not thinking so&#8230; everyone HAS TO HAVE the choice!)

Hi - I was at a similar point and elected to not have childeren when 'we' got pregnant. We've 2 boys now. No more. Wife loves bening Mom - had been very frightened of the responsibility. She still resents the time/effort required, and this is hurting our M, Also postpartum depression did harm/color M.

I gotta agre with others. Fix adult problems first. Heck you all might not be firtile, etc. That's a big can of worms for many...
A 52YO neighbor went back to school and became a teacher since her daughters had grown and didn't need her atention. She's making substancially less money and stugles financially but is happier than in a long time. - Just anothe thought.
All the best,
Mike

I always knew from small on that I wanted to be a Mom. I love my kids and I loved being a Mom when they were small. I knew in my heart that if it meant my kids or my H my kids would have won hands down.

My new H and I have discussed this many times. He and I both agree that at 42 and 39 we no longer want children. I have three and he has 1 and a grandchild.

I think you need to really look at yourself and your future. Not just what is going on now but where you want to be in 10 years.

These cases I understand much better - you both have kids, you are older than ... whatever (people have different borders...) and it looks just fair to me... as ANY decision for two people made by - the two of them equally...

I don't know how old you are, C.&Sad...
I might comfort you not to panic about your age... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - Namely, I gave birth to my son when I was 41.5! and everything went just perfect!

Thank you for the thoughtful responses and encourgaging words. I am focusing on my current separation and trying to decide truly whether I want to rebuild my M with the knowledge that we will not have children (it cannot be as there is no enthusiastic agreement) or end things permanently and cleanly and then look towards what next. I am 36 so there is a window of opportunity and dr.'s testing indicate no problems that are known.

The real issue is whether you want to rebuild your marriage or whether you want to carry on with your affair. Sorry, but that's the real issue at hand with you.

Like you, I am almost 35 no med problems and want more kids. But I am not going to complicate matters and pull a "Family Values" like the ow/w my x eloped with and swallow a watermelon seed anytime soon. Plus, solve what is first on your plate (marriage) and then date if it doesn'twork out. You've got it all backwards. Don't complicate your life. Deal with what is at hand and deal with your h alone. Cry to friends, here at MB or to your family. Don't seek solace with OP because they cannot let you make your own choice without their involvment. You need to be alone and get some clarity.