Just hurts to see what he says about me. As for him complying with the divorce, I was pushed into the divorce, with his lies about not talking to the woman, with his lies, about canceling insurances, and with his lies, with the Harleys and more. What triggered the divorce, was his ballistic actions that he tore my shoulder and I had to have surgery.

He states that I am getting along fine without him. He doesn't know the pain that I feel inside. I am dam*ed if I do and dam*ed if I don't. He kept telling me to get along with my life. Kept telling me to find someone else to love. Which I don't feel I ever well, cause I don't have much trust in men anymore. So now he is using that against me. Saying that I am happy with my life. I can say from my heart that I am not happy, just moving baby steps to try to get some resemblence of a life. I was thrown out with no job, no money nothing. I worked for him for free for over 20 years. Never received a paycheck. And so I had to fight. I fought to find some way to go back to school, which has been good. I fought with the government to be on medicaid, which is no fun. And have to keep fighting with them, and the Dr.s . I have to cry and sweat all the bills to pay, with what little he gives me. and he makes very very good money, I know I did the books for 20 years. He doesn't have problem with money, and is going to take all the kids on a vacation to colorado skiing, and don't tell me that isn't going to cost a pretty penny. I can't do that with the kids, cause I can't live on $15,000 a year. I found a good church, cause I needed to find someone to talk to, to call when I am distressed. I am in counseling, and trying to find my life, which I am little by little. Does this sound like fun and joy and laughter. Nope, I laugh very little, and cry a lot still.

Just so ironic that he sees me having a time of my life. Well, if he would look into the real picture and see with his heart instead of his rearend, maybe he would see the pain that I am suffering, and the difficulty that I endure almost everyday. So many things that I had trusted him with, now I have to deal with on a daily schedule. So many things that we talked about and now I have no one to talk about intimately. Just friends and church family. Yeah, I am having a blast, my heart hurts almost everynight, and sleep doesn't come easily. And oh yeah, I suffer pain most nights. Back is still in spasms, and will probably be on anti-depressants for another year. My gyn told me that I should stay on them till next year when I see her, cause I am still under a tremendous amount of stress. And all that I went through with his ballistic actions, lies, and deceit.

So why does the XH see me as being happy and going on with my life, he must still be in the FOGGYYY.... mess he has been in since he had his sexual fling with the fat other woman. Conclusion, open your eyes hon, and look at the real picture, and not the picture that you have painted. Maybe you can see the pain and loneliness that I am suffering every day. All XHs, look at your wifes with your heart, not your ego. Your wifes are having a hard time. This world is not made for woman, it is still controlled by the male, and their ego.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Feel free to vent here all you want but there is nothing we can say......it is about as interesting as watching water drip.

That is all I wanted to do was vent! I have the good days and bad days. Just amazing to see how the wayward spouses are in denial and sees only what they want to see.

Would be interesting to see how many betrayed spouses see their wayward spouses. Most seem to be very unhappy, and depressed. Seems that is the outcome of their deceit and lies.

Today, the roads are all iced up with the ice-last night. My only high school child is home, and the chores will get done today, after he has some free time. This has sure been a wicked winter, and very cold temps.

faith - what is your husband's name on MB site?

nevermind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

baba ???????

Just venting, nothing else. I just had words a few minutes ago with him on the phone for his deliquent bill paying. He is responsible for paying the hospital bill for the surgery I had, and I got another bill today, plus the anesthesia bill. Just can't tolerate his idleness as he sits on his computer and preaches that he is a caring man. He doesn't give a crap about my finances and credit report. And once again today he brought up that I got more out of this house than what he wanted. SO WHAT, he received since 1990 free work from me to answer the business phones, dispatch, and do all the paperwork, and go get parts. Now I don't have anything to show, but he sure does. And all the money he is making now, is his.

Just wanting to vent, and the belittling continues on with his demeaning me. I through counseling am finding out that when he does this it is a way of controlling me and telling me what a bad person I am. Not any more. I told him tonight just a few minutes ago, I am not going to tolerate his childish behavior of demeaning me and telling me lies. We got into a argument about his using my name and credit card for the car he rented in Arizona to see his fat OW. And he went on you rode in it too. (I rode in it for 3 days). And I said who rode in it more, the other woman of course, and he said he had no intentions of meeting her. I brought up the e-mails I read, before he met her and how they were going to kiss, and hold each other and what they were going to say. And she gave him her size and etc. And all that crap, and then he tells me he had no intentions of meeting her. LIES!!! I don't know when this will be over, but I if I have to will take him to court to pay all these bills. The hospital is $5,000, just opened the envelope today. And he has to pay the anesthesia, and the other hospital I had to go to and the Dr. bill is not paid for. I remember he stated that he would take care of me financially, & emotionally, yeah a big LIE!!!

Like I told you all before, when I start putting my boundaries up, he comes back with demeaning remarks, and putting me down. This obviously makes him feel good, to put me down, and basically state that I am the one who is wrong, and so on. Of course he is never wrong, and like tonight, he lied! I read the e-mails and there was a definite contact between them in the works. I just wish he would quit lieing, or Satan get out of his soul.

Where is the nice guy that I used to know? Don't know, and just moving ahead, without him. He has gone so far with this and his continuous babbling. So for those of you who think this is easy, it is not. He must feel good about tearing me down. Or he wouldn't do it. I just got so mad tonight with all the bills coming in and my credit being screwed by him. He of course doesn't have good credit and he is using a credit card of his mothers.

Well, anyone have some good laughs for tonight. I could use it, and go to bed and forget about his disrespectful comments. I didn't believe it would get this bad, but he is a controller and controls and belittles to get his way.

Well Faith,
Ain't it great that you have a place to vent!

I've had my share of pity parties in the past,too.

Just one comment and question......it sure feels good to vent....lots of caring people here....but WHY don't you answer the questions of the posters?
There appear to be a lot of people who have empathy for you.....but you continue to ignore their questions. What gives?

Nedley - I have answered I feel the ?'s. The only one lately is the ? who is XH. And I can't, for I will be demeaned, scrutinized, torn to shreds if I were to say.

As far as getting a PPO, I haven't. And will probably not. For this house is going up for sale this spring, and I do wish to get rid of this house if the market is decent. I do have a new subdivision going up behind me, so the realtor that I have now, stated that it might be better to wait till some of the houses go up. The houses are going to be going up for a pretty good amount o $$$. So that will increase my house value, plus I have land to go with the house. We will see. And if the house doesn't sell this spring or summer, then I will definitely change the locks. And hopefully by that time I will have an income coming in.

I do go to counseling, I am active in my church. I am not going to divorce group sessions yet. But I found one, and it is the same night as my school night. So now I have to find something else. My counselor is helping me in this track of my life.

I didn't change the locks. For the lock installed is odd sized, and to have a deadbolt, key lock installed is going to cost some money, and the keyguy would have to fill the holes up, cause the original is a pushbutton lock, which was unique, but not unique to transfer to another type of lock. So I didn't do anything with that, I feel if the house sells this spring, then whomever buys the house can do whatever they want with the door. If the house doesn't sell, I will change the locks this fall, and sell the house next spring.

I will answer ?'s. I also, am sorry if I didn't answer the ?'s. For I don't wish to hide my identity at all. There is nothing to hide. I have done things in the marriage which were wrong, and so has he. I admit to my failure, but he doesn't. I am being honest with everyone, and telling it like it is. And when I changed my name several times, it was recommended by the posters here, and I did identify my new name under my old name. I have nothing to hide, nothing to keep secret, only if what someone asks is a threat to my life.

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>