<small>[ March 08, 2004, 05:28 AM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Good question. Everyone feels the same as you do now, wondering about old age, health issues etc. Start making friends now. Dont abandon the ones you have now. You will find that you may have been the one lost in the relationship. Are your common friends actuallly your "friends". I found that we have together to sets of friends. They were her friends and I played along. It was ok, but I dissagreed with some of their values, habits etc. During my whole decision making process, I have confided in people who I felt were my friends. I cant believe the support I have behind me. I have never felt like I was so loved as I am right now, and I dont have a wife in the house anymore. My new friends are so genuine. They dont have motives like hey, he can help me fix my junk cars. What I talk with them about doesnt get back to the ex. I feel so comfortable talking with them and I have never felt that way with my wife. I am happier except when she tries to pull me back into her misery. Everyone thought I was a new person. Hang in there. After the initial shock wears off, you will find things to occupy your mind and soul.

Well, I certainly found times when I needed the support of others in similar circumstances. I was divorced and single for nearly eighteen years following my divorce. And following the divorce, I was involved in a self help support group.

We used to meet every Saturday morning, and following the meeting we would all go to lunch at a local delicatesses. There were sometimes twenty or thirty of us, all with EOW visitation arrangements with our Exes. And at those lunches, folks would talk abouth the weekend, and make plans to do something, most times in couples sometimes in larger groups. Stuff like hitting a movie, going on a boat ride, day trips to the seashore and the like.

Getting involved wasn't a goal for us. Every one of us was making our children the number one priority. Having time for conversation with another grownup was what it was about mostly.

Over time, people recovered and went on with their lives. In the meantime, it was a great way to get in out of the cold for a day.

KitG, Hi I'm relativerly new to these boards. Can you tell me a little about your situation? This sounds somwhat like mine... My H claims he is having a "friendship" with someone and that it shouldn't affect how I feel about him and he claims it doesn't affect how he feels about me.

He doesn't understand that each time I know he's in contact with OW it hurts and, like S. Harley told me, he is the electrically wired fence and each time I get close(let down my guard), I get shocked. And the more I get close the more often I get A shock(pain).

I am literally eshausted by this. I confront him and he gets angry. When I am home, I am moody and depressed because he refuses to acknowledge that he is hurting me.

Have you known about the EA for 6 years, or have you been married for 6 years? Please carify. I have known about my H's habits for 4 years. Please read my posts in plan A/B if you have time.

I just want to know how you reached the point where you understood that he does not want to change at this point in time. (I am always of the opinion that, if it is meant to be, he will de-fog and if not, there will be something better) This is what God promises when we allow him to work in our lives.

I'll look forward to a reply...thanks

A good thing is to join a divorce group. Which I am looking into through my counselor. That way you will meet others in the same boat as you, and find friends to do things with. The weekends, are the lonelinest times, cause the kids will be gone. But how about joining a gym. I am also, going to join a walking group. They go on quite a few excursions, and have a blast. After I have my surgery and am recovered.

There is also yoga classes. More and more they are talking about how yoga really helps the whole body. And that you should join a certified yoga group to get the right techniques and breathing. Then you can do it on your own.

I live in the cold climate, so now it is difficult to go outside and do things with the snow and ice. But taking your dog for a daily walk is fun. Take your portable CD, and sing while you are walking, and who knows who you might meet. Just make sure it is safe, that is the thing about now adays, things are not safe.

You could set a time for the night, to take a long hot bubble bath, have a good movie to watch, and a wine coolers and just sit back and relax. Or read a good book.

Also, I am active in my church. I look forward to Sundays, cause my pastor speaks of God with us and not at us. He is such a vibrant man and loves his wife and his 5 children. I have made friends through the church, and will continue on making more friends as we grow.

There were times that I didn't know what to do. But since I am in school at a University, I am taking 2 classes and that is taking up quite a bit of my time with the research and doing papers.

I am looking forward to getting outside, fixing the house and yard up to put it up for sale this spring. That is going to be a really difficult job, but I will make the house look the best I can with what I have.

There are things that you can do, just look around, and look in the local paper for recreational ideas. Also, if you have a township, you could go there and see what kind of classes they offer for the public. Or a community college or a university. See what kind of classes they offer. How about golfing. My cousin, who just lost her husband, loves to golf, and he used to golf with her. She said, when the time comes that she wants to start dating (not for at least 2-3 years), she will golf, cause there are plenty out there that are single. And she is really good at golfing. The club she is in, she is better than a lot of the guys.

So look around, and find something that would be of interest to you. It is hard, when you are divorced and especially a woman, cause you are vulnerable, and men are out there to get you. That is why I don't want to really get involved in dating anyone at this time. I am scared of men, and the things that I have heard about men only wanting you in bed. Yeah, right, not me.

Have you thought of going to dog shows, and watching the people and trainers and the dogs. I want to do this sometime. Just I want someone to go with me, who loves the animal as much as I do. I might ask my mother-in-law. She loves dog shows.

I am going to see about swimming too. That is a good exercise, and it will get my body in shape. I am starting now, with dieting, and starting to walk on the tread mill. But showing my body right now is not good. It will be by this summer.

There is a book out there, and someone recommended it to me about finding things to do. But I can't remember it. So you could go to the bookstore in look in the section of activities. Just something local is better, cause you are more apt to continue if it is local and not a distance away.

Good luck.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 05:30 AM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

I find girlfriends can provide for all but a few needs, specifically FS and SF. Affection? You bet. And they don’t count how many hugs they give before they get various SF acts performed. Conversation? No one can talk like “the girls.” Recreational Companionship? Of course. Especially if some are divorced or single. Just imagine you can go to the movies and see a chick flick without feeling like you’re imposing on your mate. Domestic Support? Even this one. I have a good friend. She picked up my kids and took them to school one day when I was really sick. When she was sick, I tidied up her house and took her kids to mine for a whole day. Admiration? Very few straight men can appreciate how great the Dolce & Gabana suit you found for $70 at TJ Maxx. Nor do most men understand the brilliance of a gourmet dinner for six thrown together 60 minutes after you get done a board meeting. Openess and honesty? Yep. Attractive spouse? Okay this one is hard.

A hobby is excellent. Or a mission. I’ve been repainting my house on the weekends without kids.

Once you get a routine, it's better.

KitG,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response. Your situation is very much like mine in many ways. The most significant is your H's response to the whole situation. Like yours, my H feels that I should not be affected by what he does with the OW(my H is most likely having a PA as well) He feels that if he meets my EN's, and is home for the kids and contributes financially, WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY BE COMPLAINING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have taken him to two MC's. The last one(vey liberal) said that neither one of us was ready for D. She said that if I simply tolerated his behavior and made certain that it did not interfere with direct family functions or events, that we could have a reasonably satisfying M. She said it is like the Sopranos' marriage. And even though this M/C was liberal, she also said that my H was not willing to change his lifestyle.

Another counselor said that also. He, like the ones you visited, also honed in on the fact that my H did not feel that what he was doing was wrong.

Last week, my H said finally that he couldn't take it any more. He said we should start talking seriously about seperating things. I, as always, talked him out of it. The following morning however, I told him I needed a week to think about things. He is at a hotel now.

I know we are at an impass as well. I just need the courage to try the M/C angle once again with S Harley. Mr. Harley said that he is playing singles tennis instead of doubles.

I can't tell you how greatful I am that you responded. I have often tried to project myself into a future of sitting at home without my kids, 13 and 8. It at times seems overwhelming. The others who have posted here have great ideas though and again, God gives us strength to accomplish things we never thought we could do before(like getting through a lonely weekend).

Keep posting. These boards have been a God send to me. I don't feel as if I'm going through this alone. Just look at how many hundreds of people are logged on... amazing!

Thanks again, Pariskev

Have found that the more I give of myself to others (my son spending time with him, working on my patients, joining a civic group/club) the less detached I felt.

Also, believe it's important to get around those that "get" what you're going through. We do. Divorce recovery does. Find a big church that has that.

And ultimately I learned to meet my own EN's. And after the paper was signed last month, I went out on my first date in almost nine years...Dating after you're divorced can certainly help in the EN dept.

Just remember, we can't make our xh or xw meet our EN's...They're off in fogland meeting their own needs and needs of the object of their obsession.

I am sorry for what happened to you. It stinks. But learning who YOU are is cool too. That's what I did during the waiting period. And unlike so many other newly divorced people, I didn't jump right into another relationship although I was separated over a year before it was final. I grew, got to know me, and am now just trying to have fun as a single person!

The xh can have his wistress. I got freedom. I have a buffet from which to graze if I should want to and it's cool. You won't be tied down and you can read while having your nightly bubblebath (what I do) and stay in there as long as you want to. YOu dont have to do his stinkin' laundry anymore or iron his shirts and pants. Heck, sometimes I feel just plain liberated. It was kinda like living with Hitler...he was even worse than the guy who played Julia Roberts' husband in "Sleeping With the Enemy" about the clea

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 05:29 AM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Thanks for the reply KitG. From reading what you have written, it seems to me that you are strong and that you will definately come through this a better person for your efforts. There comes a time that, knowing you've done all you can, letting go can be the right thing to do.

You know that you cannot tolerate infidelity in your marriage. Your H does not want to admit that this is causing you pain. The flip flop attitude of your H (and mine for that matter) is what drives us nuts. Just when you are settled upon a direction, he throws in an oz. of hope to make you think twice but is unwilling to bend.

Tonight, my H came back home 3 days early after I asked him to leave for 1 week so I could think things through. He wanted hugs and kisses, I wanted to talk. He told me that the OW was on the way out... He wanted her to think that the "breakup" was her idea so that she wouldn't get mad. He then said that he wanted to be nicer to me etc. He said 'TRUST ME" she's on the way out. WOW! I then told him that I wanted him to speak with S. Harley and he said that was "cr*p".

Well I tried to be nice and patient but he became angry when I started to quote S. Harley. He asked if this was my newest guru. He also said if the ultimatum I was proposing was contingent upon his speaking to S.H., he was out of the M. (another threat) I tried to use your C's suggestions and not be acusatory, using I instead of you. He still didn't buy it.

After we flip flopped back and forth, I said that there would be someone else around his corner soon, and he with his philosophy that oral S is not really S.) I did and do not feel very secure about our M. He left again saying that because he has paid the taxes on our house for the past several years and the utilities, that I would be the one out of the house and not him. He said that I should be looking for a place to stay and that he was not moving.

Kit, I truely think that after you received 168 responses regarding your question about the EA, that neither you nor I should feel badly about our role in these personal dramas.

Thanks again for the advice and support. Someday in the future I hope to be able to look back and be happy with my choices as redhat says.

This is just so sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />