Hello, I am divorced and my x and I do not get along. We have shared custody set at almost eqaul time. My kids are not in any type danger, neglect, abuse or anything like that. At this time my only tie to my X is my children. She knows this and will use them to get back at me. Plays games and pushes buttons when she can at my childrens expense. She is very good about it though, sly, sneeky. Don't go to practice and I'll buy you, fill in the blank. Things like that. I use to fight it and confront her about it. Well I'm done, I'm not going to fight it anymore, I can't, I'm spent. In the long run she is only hurting herself and in the long run my girls will love me that much more. Am I letting my girls down by not confronting her every time she does somthing stupid.

My life is really good other than this issue, please help.

Thanks

I don’t think you should be confronting her about her actions at all. Do you want her confronting you about all your stupid actions? Of course not. And probably, she thinks just as many of your decisions and actions are stupid.

If your children challenge you with “Mommy lets us…” you can reply with “Well, your mother and I disagree over that. I believe x,y,z. Therefore, while you’re in my care, a,b,c will happen.”

Naturally, it’s best when parents can present a united front, but sometimes that’s impossible. Therefore, respectfully dissent from your learned colleague’s opinion. As your children age, they’ll be able to make up their own minds. And they’ll probably try on each of their parents’ values, and eventually come up with their own set.

But, really, this isn’t between you and your ex any more.

I agree. You can have your policies and allow her to have hers. Just because you differ doesn't mean you have to put each other down. Allow her to do things her way. But stick to your policies at your house. And if you see that some of hers are better than yours, you can implement them.

But don't put her down to the children.

I am currently training my kids towards the idea that there are rules at our house which are not the same as the rules at Daddy's house. If something comes up that I do not agree with, or that I didn't know about, I just say to the kids, "Well, that is Dad's house and that is what happens there. Here we do (fill in the blank)."

The kids are accepting this and I know that they are well capable of doing so because of my work as a teacher. Many's the time that I had interviews with parents, telling them how wonderfully co-operative their child was at school, only to be met with disbelieving looks, and comments. (And the opposite scenario as well.) Why? Because kids ARE adaptable, and will behave in ways that they can get away with. I have seen it with my own eyes. One of my most best behaved pupils in class treated her parents like dirt. Why? Because she was able to get away with it. I honestly could NOT believe my eyes the day she told her mother off for being fifteen minutes late for pick up, and the mother just stod there and took it.

Let it go. Explain to the kids that these are YOUR rules, and their mother has those rules, and that is just the way it is. They will adapt....but if you let them, they will manipulate you into doing just about anything because their mum lets them. Kids are far from stupid when it comes to things like this.

Love and light,

Jacky

STP,


Now would be a great time to teach your kids BOUNDARIES!!

If they complain to you they missed practice because their mother was buying them something--

Help them to see--it was still their choice--that it sounds like the item mom was buying must have been MORE important to them than their practice--
especially if they chose getting the item over going to their practice--

No, it's not going to be easy--to get them to see this--but they will eventually learn--

Something I do with my kids--and have since before the divorce--

if they were going to be with their father and were invited to a friends to stay the night, or they had other plans come up--I explained they needed to talk to their dad--they were going to be with him--so it was between them--He had to give permission--not me--and with that--if he said it was okay they did whatever--they had to accept the consequences of NOT spending that time with their dad--and if they chose spending time with their dad (knowing he was going to buy them something) they had to accept it was their choice
not to do whatever with their friends--

And because it was THEIR choice--they had to be able to live with that choice--and learn they can't do everything--all the time--

if they miss a birthday party because they want to spend time with their dad--okay--if they miss spending time with their dad--because they went to the birthday party--okay--they made the choice
they had fun or not--but ultimately--it was their choice--

They will benefit from learning this so much in their adult lives--

Just like with homework--they can choose not to do it--and get an F or they can choose to do it-
and pass--their choice--

All choices have consequences--some good some bad-
they need to learn this--

And you as their dad can help teach it to them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

STP,

Everything I have read in this post, I have seen first hand as a third party.
Especialy what you say in your original post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In the long run she is only hurting herself and in the long run my girls will love me that much more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I watched my BIL, who is a very close friend go through the same as what you describe. He too faught it all the time in the begining but eventually gave up and accepted XW's actions as they were.

Over a few years, I saw his children become more and more close to him because he was so much more pleasant to be around and was a much more responible parent.

Being the responsible one, earned him a lot of respect from them that they don't realy have for her.

It took time. At first all they saw was negative things about him and mommy was more fun. As they got older, they realized that daddy is fun too and he looks out for there best interests and does,t just try to impress them.

They also saw that mommy always says bad things about daddy that aren't true but daddy doesn't put mommy down at all.