Not sure this will help HOL but as a woman who's been with more men than she ever wanted to I don't feel that it a Number that matters. Why she slept with so many, what has happened since makes a BIG difference. How she feels about what she has done, and if she's learned anything. And i hate to say this but how supportive and understanding you are makes a BIG difference.
When I met DH I was sleeping around (unhappily) but DH forgave me saying "as long as you don't do that now I won't hold it against you" and he hasn't EVER made an issue of it. He listened to me (although that was VERY difficult for him) and I was able to forgive myself because he forgave me. I will never sleep with another man. I regret what I did before DH came into my life but his honesty and example really gave me a chance to start healing myself and let go of what had driven me to be like that.
I wish you the best of luck. Give her the benefit of a doubt and see what happens.
I would ask that you do one thing though - get checked out for STDs.<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: thisbattymom ]</p>

posted by Anna 2000:___________________
"some people say you have sex with every partner your partner has sex with before you, and their partner had sex with before them, this could lead into hundreds and thousands of people."
________________________________
this is what i have always thought was the case, my wife claims to have never heard this theory. is it true or not?

Why does it matter??? I don't mean to be cynical or anything...but doesn't what is happening NOW in a relationship matter more then what happened BEFORE relationship started??? <p>I understand that prostitutes, male or female, can make very wonderful life-soul mates and never "cheat" on their spouse. I have also know a man and women who married each other as virgins cheat on one another....so what difference does it really make??<p>How it the person treating you now? What are they doing with thier lives?? How is the relationship progressing NOW??? These are the things that really matter....at least to people who are not looking for a case against someone.

FRSTRTD,<p> i still feel that i should have known before we married and not been so misled.
she could barely bring her self to have sex with me for over 10 yrs. does that sound healthy?
hol

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by h o l:
<strong>posted by Anna 2000:___________________
"some people say you have sex with every partner your partner has sex with before you, and their partner had sex with before them, this could lead into hundreds and thousands of people."
________________________________
this is what i have always thought was the case, my wife claims to have never heard this theory. is it true or not?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hol, <p>First, it's not really true...It's really saying if one of those past people had germs that infected the person they were having sex with, with a disease, then you could also be exposed to them...but for most people they don't have sexually transmitted diseases and germs are washed off...So no it's not really true.<p>Hol, are you going to let this torture you forever? or Are you going to accept it and live a happy life with your wife? Perhaps at first she was putting your marriage in danger by not being honest but now you are putting your marriage in danger by not getting passed this...<p>AND AGAIN, Let's say you split with her, someone you've already exposed your germs to. Let's say you marry someone who's only had sex one time prior to you, and then a year after marriage you find out that one person she slept with just discovered they were infected by HIV. So you would have been safer staying with your wife and dealing with this issue.<p>ANNA

h o l ,
I don't know your whole story and probrably never will, but from the little bits and pieces that I have read so far, I can tell that you and your wife are on some wierd emotionally unhealthy roller coaster ride. The type of behavior both of you are exhibiting is very close to being really 'sick'. Do you want to continue to be 'sick'?? Does it satisfy some need in you and in her??? I don't think so, I think that you both have gotten on this roller coaster ride not knowing that it would continue this long, not knowing that it would make you so 'sick'.<p>There is a lot of very helpful info on this sight and on many others that can help. There are a lot of books you can read and competent counslers willing to help YOU even if your wife doesn't want help. Are you willing to get off the roller coaster ride yet?? If not, you will keep posting here and going up and down some very scarey hills and valleys with all your bb friends. Or maybe you are getting close to wanting to get off the ride now...and that is why you keep posting. <p>I don't know, but I do know that if you keep it up, this circular thinking that brings nothing but resentment and bitterness along with sorrow and guilt, you will just keep getting 'sicker'.<p>Remember, it's never to late to get off the ride!!!!<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: frstrtd ]</p>

i hope it's not to late...
h

it is to late!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by h o l:
<strong>one of the things that weighs on my mind about this is what if our children were to find out about it. it's bad enough to find out this type of info about your wife but i would never want our children know this about there mother. it would be devistating in so many ways. this may be another part of my paranoia
but it is possible, i did. our kids don't desirve to carry this burden.
just another reason why i don't buy into her response that "it's my past and shouldn't concern or affect any one else". that is very a false statement it can and is affecting other peoples lives, it definately has affected mine!!<p>[ January 01, 2002: Message edited by: h o l ]</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Hol,<p>So what do you suggest. All women who have had more than hmmm let's say 3 partners don't have children, your life is worthless...crawl in a hole and die of embarrassment...<p>Her past is her past. She can not change it. If I found out my mother did this, I'd love my mother the same, she was an awesome mother, a good wife and that is what counts.<p>ANNA<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Hol,
Why is it too late?

Hello HOL,
I dont see why it is too late at all.
This should be something that the two of you can work on using MB prinicples.
Be respectful, be loving and let this work for you!

HOL - I don't know how your W feels, but I'm beginning to feel like I don't my H just as he feels he doesn't know me. I felt it in one of your posts, too, where you said something to the effect "too bad - this is the new me." Well, I have a "new" H, too, and I'm not sure I like him as well as the old one. He's cynical, bitter, unforgiving and unempathetic. Don't lose who your W fell in love with or you may lose her. Sometimes I wonder if that's what he wants. Just to be done with me. <p>I can't tell him I love him because then he feels obligated to tell me he loves me too. And I'm not buying it these days. I don't feel very loveable. I can't make love to him because then he thinks it's just because I can't be without. I can't NOT make love to him because he thinks he should have the same rights as the others. They didn't have to love me - why should he? He doesn't understand why I need to feel loved. <p>Can a woman by used by her own H? Should I let myself be used? I'm torn because I know I made a vow and along with that vow comes certain rights, but it's so hard to know what's right anymore. I want to be close to him, to show him how much I love him, but at the same time, I know he isn't feeling the same. Every time we're together, I get renewed hope, but then everything backslides again and I just feel used. AGAIN!<p>I am not the same person I was in my teens and I wish he could see that there is no "real" me lurking below the surface of the person he thinks I'm trying to be. <p>He read somewhere that it takes 1-5 years before I can expect him to start forgiving me. I don't think I'll make it five years. It's been 8 months and I'm finding myself one minute hating myself more than one can imagine and then the next minute I'm angry at him for not even trying to understand. <p>All I know is this, HOL, if you keep making your W feel unloved and unworthy, she will begin to believe it and either begin to resent the fact that you're making her feel that way or begin to loathe herself so much that nobody could love her.... Please don't let this happen!!

Lost, it will be 2 years this coming April for me. things have been going good for us the past week or so. i try to block it out of my head but unfortunately the hardest time to block it out is when we are making love. i don't know why, do you have any thoughts on this?
hol

so back to my question, do numbers matter?
YES they do!!
h

Dear Hol,
I cannot figure out why you are letting this ruin your family. Or run your life.
Have you considered professional/Harley counseling on this matter? It would be worth considering. Your wife has made it clear she loves you, and you are driving it all away for something that is old and insignificant!

cl, not insignifcant to me. you did not spend 10 yrs with her when she was not so loving as a matter of fact she was more hateful to me than anyone has ever been. i stayed hoping that someday she would love me again but i didn't realize i was waiting for some nasty little lying slut. Don't be fooled by a few posts she made on this thread, i'm not. i do not trust her with my love anymore.

Hello hol,
No, i did not spend 10 yrs with her. Nor did I realize you had so many other issues than the number of sexual partners. My apologies.

CL, forget about it!!

Hol - What happened? A week ago things were going pretty good and then you posted what you posted and I have to ask. Something must've happened. <p>I was dismayed, too, when you mentioned it'd been two years since discovery and you're still harboring so much anger. Are you 100% sure that your w was more hateful to you than anyone or is your perception of her maybe different now? Did she say hateful things? Or do hateful acts? Or are you referring to her lack of desire to be with you? <p>I ask because I find that my h is bringing up things that are really unrelated in any way to what has happened and alters the events so it supports his case of me never being satisfied and him having to accommodate. In other words, I think he's obsessing over the past, taking things out of context and putting words in my mouth. As an example, I once said to somebody after asked what have you guys been doing lately, "Not much. We don't really do anything anymore," - simply meaning that since we had kids our lives had settled into a more comfortable routine - today H takes this as a personal insult - that he's boring and doesn't compare to the exciting life I led...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>i stayed hoping that someday she would love me again but i didn't realize i was waiting for some nasty little lying slut. Don't be fooled by a few posts she made on this thread, i'm not. i do not trust her with my love anymore. <hr></blockquote><p>Ouch, HOL. This is a pretty strong statement to be making about the woman you say you love. It would have been bad enough if you'd just said it to her, but you've put it in writing for all of us to see and as a permanent record against your w. I also have a permanent record against me in a letter. I read it every day (probably not a good idea, but I do it anyway.) <p>Are you beginning to doubt that you love your w? Sometimes I think H is purposely not willing to take another chance on me because somewhere inside he knows he doesn't truly love me anymore, but doesn't want to be the one to leave. Do you want your wife in your life?

Hi Lost how are you actually how is your H<p>Lost______________________________
What happened? A week ago things were going pretty good and then you posted what you posted and I have to ask.
__________________________________
this has been the way my cycles have been going ok for a while (even tho i do think of it always) then freakout. this time was caused because i have been taking wellbutrin to keep me calm as suggested by counsiler and it helps but it also has killed my sex drive. wife was trying to make love to me a i couldn't get an erection. Roscoe, you want to talk about emaculating it's been taken to a new level now. <p>
Lost________________________________
I was dismayed, too, when you mentioned it'd been two years since discovery and you're still harboring so much anger.
___________________________________
my wife has said the same thing to me but
when i asked her how many men there were (which many don't think i should know) but i disagree. she has aswered with great sincerity only for me find it was a lie. this has happened 5 times now over the past 2 yrs each time is a huge set back for me, i can not just except lies, sorry. this may not sound so bad to you but if you could see how sincere she is each time it is frightening to know she is so good at lying. and i have been stupid enough to believe her everytime. i don't anymore! <p>Lost______________________________
Are you 100% sure that your w was more hateful to you than anyone or is your perception of her maybe different now? Did she say hateful things? Or do hateful acts? Or are you referring to her lack of desire to be with you?
___________________________________
Yes, i am certain. and yes it is all of the above. i will not go into details but my W will read this post and she can reply in more detail if she wishes. at least she does not deny any of this.<p>i was having serious problems trusting her after the treatment i received for over ten years even before i read her diaries that only made things a 1000x's worse.
we did make up last night after 2 days of not speaking but it will happen again.<p>Lost___________________________________________
Are you beginning to doubt that you love your w?
________________________________________________
No! Never!<p>
h<p>[ February 18, 2002: Message edited by: h o l ]</p>