Been married 16 years. 3 kids. b14 g8 g3. He is great about 75 percent of the time. But the other 25. He is self, control, rude. He isolates me and puts me down. It has made me depressed for years. We have agreed to a divorce.
I have been seeing a counselor. and he says I am married to a narssist. Now that its getting close I am having my doubts.

People tend to throw around the word narcissist. Exactly how selfish, controlling, is he? The other 75% of the time, is it just tolerable, or are you happy?

The problem with true NPD people is that they can be extremely charming when they want something or it’s in their immediate best interests. And that charm is misleading. My father was diagnosed as a sociopath before they had the NPD diagnosis. He is textbook NPD.

On thing I remember is that there were two rule books. One for him (basically blank) and one for everyone else filled with tons of rules.

If your husband has NPD, you need to get out and get your children out. BUT, a counselor that hasn’t seen him should be wary of making that diagnosis. The situation could be that your H. is just a jerk 25% of the time.

As to the divorce… There’s no rush. But, you need a real plan for recovery that you are both willing to follow.

I would try separation for awhile. Divorce is hard on the kids. I know. NPD, do have 2 set of rules, one for them and like stated above there rules is everything goes. And one for the other person, which is control.

I would really think about the situation and continue on with the counseling. And why don't you separate for awhile. See how things work out. This is going to be really hard on you and the kids. And keep yourself safe. These men have a ballistic side to them.

I don't want to thread-jack here or anything, but GG, you said something there that made me stop and say "wow!"

A while ago, I started learning about passive aggressiveness, and discovered when I was reading a book about it that the author could have been using my STBX as an example. But all along, I've felt that a lot of the problems were that he was very self-centered, and very good at doing whatever he needed to do to "win" someone over to his side, at first, and then, once he had won them over, he would revert, and the other person was always at fault - they had changed or turned on him.

But you said that about the two rule books - one for him (blank, or almost) and another for everyone else that is just packed. That's the way I've felt our whole marriage. Everything in life had rules about how we were supposed to do things, and I was not allowed to break those rules, and if I did, he made life miserable, and I was supposed to remember all the rules. Even when they changed and I didn't know it. Because the rules were in place until one interferred with something else he wanted, and then suddently there was an exception to the rule, and I was supposed to have known that the rule applied except when it was an odd tuesday in an even numbered month when the moon was full. (Ok, so that isn't a real example. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But it is what it felt like a lot of the time.)

Is it possible he's both? Or maybe I'm just looking for answers that aren't there, and my mother is right, he's just a jerk. (ok, again, 'jerk' is not what she calls him, but I am paraphrasing to keep the language off the board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I know it shouldn't matter, because he is STBX, and there is no going back on that at this point. Still, I frequently question how I could have been deceived for so long (last May was our 10th anniversary, and also right about the time I figured out he was still living with OW while we were going to counseling and trying to reconcile.) I look now, and I can't even remember what I saw in him - except he was pretty giving and thoughtful at the beginning, most of the time. Far more than most any other guy I'd ever known. It's just frustrating to think it was all an act, and that I could be fooled that easily.

Thanks for the quick reply. My counselor is really good 22 years experience. His controling is pretty extreme. I am not allowed to do anything or go anywhere. unless he approves. I cant buy groceries or clean house or even do laundry. He even decides what time I get up. I have bought an alarm and he breaks them. My daughter from my first marriage is staying with us and going to college. He wants her out and gives her dirty looks all the time. He messed up her alarm to make her late for college and denied it. He is always mad at me and I dont know why. When he is mad he breaks things and says it an accident. I could go on and on. I know it is scary now that it is getting real.

Important note...true narcissist and NPD/sociopaths do NOT respond well to treatment.

This is documented.

I was married to the man who's very photo is beside the medical and psychiatric definition of sociopath.

I am living thru a struggle now just because of this NPD. He has money to pay me, could pay me and pay off the debts he made but he DOES NOT WANT TO DO IT. And doesn't think he should have to pay for the attorneys either b/c he doesn't think they did a good enough job. Never mind what he is legally responsible for. What matters is does he feel good about it? Is the decision in line with what he wants to do? Anything else is out of the question.

Find out and get a dx on your H. I hope you can work it out, but if it is truly npd or sociopath, outcome for recovery after intesive tx is very bleak. I am sorry for that as I always wish for people to change for the better and for families to be saved.

Well he has all the symptoms and reasons to be NP his parents are alchoholics and divorced when he was 18. He has 3 older sisters that spoiled him rotten. Love the story about rules and them changing he does that all the time. When we bought our first computer he came in one day and out of the blue said "We need rules for the computer" I asked what rules no one was using it much. He said I dont know yet but I know we need them. I almost died laughing and he didnt understand why.