I am a first time visitor and I am looking for some advice on my situation.

My wife and I recently separation after 5 years of marriage. The beginning was great (as most are) and we have accomplished almost every goal we have set for ourselves. We have a daughter, home, good jobs and we are very similar in family background and values. We were high school sweethearts and had a 2 year engagement before we got married. I wanted to wait until I had my job before we jumped into marriage. We have had a normal relationship up until a couple of years ago, when major responsibility cropped up with us just having a baby and moving into a new home. It seems from there the road to happiness was leading us to an end. The finances have been tight, but we always landed on our feet. The role of mother/father husband/wife kicked in and we got stuck in the grind of daily life. Each year we have accomplished a major landmark in our home building. Expectations of what role each of us should play was in my mind. I thought that I could take care of the outside chores and she could take care of the indoor chores. I have always helped when asked and have done my part to limit any messes I would make. With those expectations, our home maintained a lived in look and I would always come down on my wife for not cleaning or leaving messes behind. I would react to her lack of actions with verbal slayings and unkind words. I will say that I never meant any of the things I have ever said to her, because I do realize she is a very smart, sophisticated, beautiful woman. The words were just a knee jerk reaction to a situation I felt I was wronged in.

Looking back at my actions and the stress that caught up to us. I realize now that life is too short to sweat the small things and I should have pitched in and helped rather than dictate what needed to get done. I feel very sorry now that she has left and for a period I was at my lowest. Feeling bad for myself and what our marriage ending up to be. I recently acknowledged my own mistakes and have made a complete 180 degree turn around. My attitude is now what it has not been for many years. I feel like someone has slapped me in the head and cleared my fog. I realize that nobody deserves to be talked to like I spoke to my wife and a marriage is a two way street, with equal responsibilities... especially with both partners working.

My wife says she needs time to think about what she wants from life and what road she wants to go down. Coming back to me or staying separation and having independence. My question is how do move forward and try to win her back. Although I am much calmer than I was two weeks ago. I am hurting deeply inside. She says that in order for her to be happy with me, she has to be happy with herself and find out what she wants. This is our first and only issue that I am aware of. It has been building for a while now, but I think we can work it out and be happy again. I love her very much. She has said that seeing other people would be a choice each of us would need to make on our own and what happens when we are apart is our own business. I do not feel I want to see other people. I want to concentrate on her and our daughter. we have done to counseling and are starting individual counseling soon.

What can I do?

learning_to_cope, you're story is very similar to mine. We were 4 years into marriage and had 2 young daughters. When they came into the world, we both put way more time and attention into them than we did with each other. And I let the stresses of life get ahold of me, and neglected her needs in the process. We both shut each other out along the way.

She told me those exact same words when she left our marriage. Said she was unhappy and had to figure out what she wanted to do to make her happy. The trouble is, she started an affair with a co-worker and decided to divorce me and our family. She rushed into the divorce without thinking things through. I begged her to take more time to think about her decisions, she took that as my trying to control her. I cried out to her numerous times and confessed my love for her, but she only saw that as desperation and convinced herself I didn't love her, and that I never had loved her. There was nothing more I could do but let her go and let her make her own decisions. Several months passed and the divorce was going to be final. One week before the divorce, reality set in, and she stepped out of the fog she had been living in. She wanted to work things out and couldn't believe that she had done the things she had done and was divorcing me. When I told her i needed time to think about things, she took that as rejection and changed her mind. I was crushed and the divorce took place.

She changed her mind 2 more times after the divorce and wanted to work things out.

All I can tell you is to be patient and not to worry about her or what she's going to do. You have to focus on yourself and the only thing you can control is yourself. Focus on your relationship with God and continue to grow in Him. Read the bible and seek direction from Him. If you don't goto church, I would suggest finding one for yourself and seek counceling from your pastor. The more you grow in God, the more He will change you. Accept Jesus into your heart. Continue going to counceling and try to better yourself and get on with your life. My wife hated seeing me so down and emotional all of the time and wanted nothing to do with me because of that. Once, I gained my confidence back and started to be happy again, she noticed this right away and was very attracted to that, and wanted me back.

It sounds like your wife is in the fog. Just give her space and let her be. Focus on what you can do for yourself. Think on positive things....you are still married, you have a wonderful child. Think of this time away from her as time you need to work on yourself, better yoursef, and to heal. Think of this time as a way to prepare yourself for when she wakes up and wants to restore your marriage. I am telling you, you can sow seeds with your own thoughts and words, and when you start thinking positively, and put your trust in God, amazing things can happen.

Look to the Lord for peace, comfort, and strength and He will provide you with these things. Sooner or later, your wife will come out of the fog and notice the man she fell in love with in the first place. She might even notice a better man than that.

Also, start reading the basic concepts on this site. Read material on "separation". You will find some very interesting and useful material. Consider yourself very fortunate that you found this site when you did. I found this site recently, after her and I had tried to reconcile. This site would have helped me out tremendously. I know it would have.

Be patient, think positive, seek the Lord, read materail on this site, and focus on you.

I have been speaking with her daily and have the highest regard for her wishes. I have told myself as well as her, that I do not want to be in the party mode. I have been settled down for a long time now and it feels good. I want someone to share myself with. If I could just place my hands over her eyes and show her my feelings, I would be happy with the fact of letting her know who I want to become as a person and husband. The thing that scares me, is it is so easy to fall from the top. I see that now and just pray it is not too late. I would be happy without a house or any material item... I just need her.

Do I continue to tell her this? Do I back off and let her confide in me? I feel we have allot further as a couple and family to go. I need much work on myself, but my fog is lifted and I can see the road ahead. Any tips on showing her where I would like to go with my life?

Anyone? Advice?

learning_to_cope, I've been where you are at. It's a horrible feeling to not know what to do and then you begin acting on instincts, and out of desperation. This is something you need to avoid doing. If you try to hard to reach your wife with how much you love her, you will push her away even more. This is what I did, not intensionally, but it drove her completely away from me. I became a desperate emotional wreck and she wanted nothing to do with me.

It sounds like she wants some space from you to figure things out for herself. Don't take that personal. I know it's hard but try not to let it get to you. Sometimes woman need space too. If I were you, I would tell your wife that you love her and care for her very much. But also tell her that you will give her the time and space she has asked for. Let her know you are there for her if she needs to talk and then leave it at that. Now it's time to start working on yourself and on your relationship with God.

Continue seeing your councelor, that will also help you get through this. I'm telling you, you can tell your wife just about anything right now. In other words, you can tell her all of these great things you are doing to improve yourself, but they most likely will not register with her because she is in the fog. What you can do, is start doing some of these things to improve yourself without mention to her. In time, depending when she wakes up, she will start seeing the changes in you. Right now, she hears your pain, and probably feels guilty about it but may not really be too concerned about that. She hears the desperation in your voice and she is probably not attracted to that.

I would strongly suggest reading "His Needs Her Needs" and also read material on this site about meeting your spouses "emotional needs" and learning about "Love Busters". It sounds like you still have regular contact with her. I would let her mostly initiate that contact. But when you talk to her, talk to her out of respect and try to be in control of your emotions. Along the way, you might see a window of opportunity to give her a nice compliment. Nothing sobby, just something simple to let her know you appreciate something she did, or whatever. These are love deposits and through time, they build up, and eventually, feelings for you may be restored. But, be careful not to just unload a bunch of compliments onto her all at once. This could be seen by her as an act of desperation and instead turn into a love withdrawal.

Most importantly, keep your head up and the key is to think positively, no matter what. Take it from a guy who has been in your shoes multiple times with my ex wife. I usually thought the worst wouild happen, and eventually, the worst happened. Picture the best case scenario in terms of the big picture for you and your wife..i.e..you will be together again and have a wonderful life together. Try to keep that in the back of your mind, and eventually this will show in your actions. If you think the worst will happen...divorce, etc.., then you will start acting on that, which she will see, and it won't be good.

I know you may be afraid to think of the best case scenario in fear that the opposite will happen and you will get that much more hurt. Believe me, I've done both, and the pain isn't any worse in the end regardless of whether you beleive it will work out or not. What you believe will happen may impact the way you act around her and others. If you believe your marriage is over, you will be devastated, that will show in your thoughts, words and actions, and your wife will see this and want nothing to do with an emotional insecure reck of a person. My advice to you is pray to God for the restoration of your marriage, and then believe it will happen, without any doubts. Then focus on changing yourself and try to keep your spirits up. Don't worry whether your wife will start noticing the changes in you right away, because eventually she will.

She has said that seeing other people would be a choice each of us would need to make on our own and what happens when we are apart is our own business
That comment almost always means that she is probably already involved with someone (or pretty close to it.)
Of course she wants it to be, "our own business" because she doesn't want you to know about him.