STBXW backed out of MC. Said she doesn't see a need for us to go anymore because she has made it clear what she wants. MC was supposed to be a DC for us to try to survive without growing to hate each other.

I asked her about feelings for OM and she denied everything. I know this was all a lie to me.

She also told me that everything that she has decided is all because of how I have treated her. Made it sound like I have treated her badly.

I know could have treated her better but I stopped a lot of my bad habbits that she saw as me treating her bad several years ago.

I saw this as her trying to put all the blame on me and taking no responibilty for our M failing. She thinks that she tried her best but I didn't.

I honestly feel that I have tried my hardest for the last 5 months but it has made no difference. I will continue treating her with the care and respect that I have been but I am no longer interested in her changing her mind. Reconciliation no longer seems an option or possibility.

I'm moving on with me and not being taken advantage of anymore. It's time for her to start feeling some of the reality of her decission that I have been feeling.

I guess this sounds like a lot of babble but I have a lot of confussion going on. The road I'm on change to the less desired path with no looking back.

Not a lot of babble, just feeling your way through the pain.
Probably your wife does feel like she tried her best. Hopefully, she also knows you tried your best. Some marriages just can’t be. I don’t know if yours was one of those or not.

I am sorry it turned out this way. Sometimes, there’s just too much history and resentment to overcome. Sometimes one or both spouses decide they don’t want to work that hard any more.

Take time out to take care of yourself. Don’t worry about her any more.

I know you must be hurting, but each month will get a little better.

And surely, Bob the Builder or someone else has a saying that would be great as your tag line.

Thanks GreenGables. I guess my posts will be changing tone moving foward.

I need to start making changes to how I've been handling things with her but I'm not sure where to start yet. No more giving in to how she wants everything to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Some marriages just can’t be. I don’t know if yours was one of those or not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately W and I have different opinions on this

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sometimes one or both spouses decide they don’t want to work that hard any more.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First this was just her, now it's becoming both of us.

I try not to worry about her but I still can't help worrying about how she is going to get by on her own with 4 kids. Some in school, some not. Her going to class at night on top of that!!! I don't see how it can work out better for her.

She’ll have to give up a lot of things. I have and I have a nice job. I’ve given up my garden. I’ve given up clothes. I’ve given up being blond. I’ve given up counseling. I’ve given up yoga class for the most part. I’ve given up me time. I’ve made real sacrifices.

For me it’s been worth it. But, you know my story. You know how long I’ve worked at saving my marriage. And even still, I struggle sometimes with a decision I know is the best for me and my girls.

I think the first place to start is by contacting your lawyer, and cutting off contact with her. Oh, still talk about the children and keep her informed. But, leave it there.

Then, just give it time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And surely, Bob the Builder or someone else has a saying that would be great as your tag line. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll have to think about this for a while. All that comes to mind right now would be inappropriate.

My first choice was a quote from my FIL

"Time to [censored] or get off the pot"

Well, you still have a sense of humor.

How about just "time to get off the pot!"

I feel like humor is the only sense that I have right now. Not sleeping last night doesn't help either.

I’m putting on my witchy hat and prescribing Valerian root for insomnia. You can take it with almost anything including today’s anti-depressant pharmacopoeia. It doesn’t make you groggy the next morning, and it’s been tested over millennium. I survived on it for two years. And it beats the heck out of alcohol.

And yes, a sense of humor will get you through. I know mine did. It was a dark sense of humor for several years, but I survived. And so will you.

Okay, let’s get down to brass tacks. The bank accounts. Are they joint still? If so, go get half out. Have it documented with before and after balances to prove you’re a good guy who just needed money to live. Hopefully your wife didn’t clear it out. Safety deposit box, too.

And remind me, do you have a lawyer?

Don't have a lawyer $$$ we have talked about mediator.

Only bank account that is worth anything is our joint checking accout. My pay is direct deposit and this account is what she pays all bills with after that, I get my allowance.

Go mediator if you can. Much less expensive, and both must compromise for it to work (which means that neither should feel screwed).
Again, work in the best interest of the children, and she'll probably qualify for low or moderate income housing with 4 kids. (if I recall you live in NJ a high cost state).

Newly, yes I am in NJ and money is the main reason for a moderator.

As for feeling screwed.......

She says that she knows neither of us will ever screw the other so we don't need lawyers to battle over things.

Well guess what ! I've already been screwed out of everything I care about. The rest is just money.

Wish, I think you need to stop the direct deposit or at least have some of it diverted into another account. There is nothing stopping her from taking every penny and leaving you with nothing. In fact, if she’s set on divorce, now is a good time to close the account and open two separate accounts. You can then write her a check every month or two weeks.
Cancel all credit cards if you haven’t done so.

I know this sounds fierce. It is. But it’s also necessary to protect yourself financially. And basically, when she decided to divorce, she knew this was an eventuality.

Go for 50/50 custody. There is no reason you need to be relegated to weekend dad.

WIWH
We seem to have similar paths to Dv against our best efforts. It seems like you and W are amicable. That's good. My W and I are still amicable and work to make sure that stays the case. As for direct deposit and stuff. Here's what we have done. We are intending to split financially at the end of this month and have been making credit card charges on separate cards to finish up the need for the joint acct. I have an individual acct waiting for the joint acct money split. I don't know if she does. But strategies like this can help to make it less malicious.

For us, we are each having to give up lots of stuff. I'll end up house poor with the dog (aka no disposable income since I'm a grad student), and she'll end up with disposable income from low rent cost but big lifestyle change. Yeah, we're trying to keep from either person feeling screwed but it isn't easy no matter what. There are lots of adjustments to make.

I have been reading "Down, but not out" by Al Maxey and it has given me a lot to think about regarding God and Dv. Humor has been very valuable to me. And I take a Tylenol PM occassionally to help sleep. We'll make it; "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

Best wishes.

Green Gables,

I wish it was that easy to do. Anything I do is going to have a direct impact on our children as well.

I know this is something that needs to be done and I have told her that things need to change in how my pay is handled.

I am going to try to get my own account opened this weekend and once that is established, I will have my pay broken down between us.

I know she is going to give me a hard time about how much she needs but I guess that will have to be one of the consequences of her actions that she needs to deal with.

It looks like GG posted again while I was typing. He does have good points about protecting your own finances. It is somewhat time to watch out for #1 (and your kids of course).

Point out as my STBX did, that you too need money. And unlike my STBX, you are not immediately in control of your own income. You are given a salary that may or may not go up.

Of course, when my h. pulled his "I need money to set up a home" I could tell him to tap into his "savings" account, the inventory which I was leaving entirely to him in spite of being entitled to half the increase since our marriage.

But, seriously, by looking out for your own interests you will be looking out for the children as well. You need a place to have them visit you. That means two bedrooms if you can afford it. It means a phone and probably a computer. It means you have enough money to take the kids out for Chinese once a month and to feed them 5 days out of 14.

In some states, child support is a function of custody. But you could probably make an agreement. If you bought the clothes and other stuff, you may be able to save some money.

Is your wife going to ask for alimony?

GG+RTRC

50/50 with the kids would be almost impossible for me. I work long hours. Sometimes 6 or 7 days a week.
50/50 with money would be impossible for her

W has been a SAHM for 9 years. We have 1 D that she home schools, 1 D full time school, 1 D 1/2 day school, and 1 D not starting school for 2 more years.

W has always been the one at home with them and I would never take that away from her or them. She will be taking that from them when she has to get a job.

Like most single income families these days, we have always needed all of my pay to get by. We don't expect to be able to do much about splitting my pay more equally untill we can sell our house.

I want to sell ASAP. She has expectations of dragging it out through the summer.

Even if we can't change the division of our money yet, I do feel that I should take control of it. After all, it is my name on the check and she doesn't want me anymore, why should she still control my check.

At least I am willing to give her a set amount on a regular basis. She gives me what she feels I will need based on what she has left after paying the bills.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Is your wife going to ask for alimony?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I'm sure she is. She has already complained that she can't believe that the state would expect a family of 5 to live on near the same as a single person.

Well Hello !!!!! You are giving me up. My job goes with me.

She will try for as much money as she feels she can get.

I personally think it sucks to have to pay her for dumping me.