My wife has left after me asking her to after not wanting to see a MC. She has been to church, and said she has spoken to someone there. This person has put a label on me without meeting me. She has conveyed this to me saying I am hurting my kids. I dont believe it to be true, But I am having a problem. I have friends that are mine only, since our common friends are on whose side? Anything I have said to anyone we both know has gotten back, (nothing malicious) and as usual it has been twisted. I know in my heart I have done the right thing. My friends have told me so. ( they have only heard one side also). Two of our common friends said they didnt know how I lasted as long as I did, but still feel bad. Her mother said the same accoring to her SIL. I am a very open person, but I could never convey my thoughts to my wife since she dismissed them as BS. I tried over and over. I was supposed to validate any of her feelings. Anyway, I feel like she is still trying to place all the blame on me, after telling her I would still go see a MC or even her counselor alone. Friends say it is a no no since she will most likley use anything I say to them against me. I feel that seeing someone on my own, and then with the kids, would only have them tell me how to deal with the pain and grief. Not get our life and family back. I would be interested in fixing things but she is in such denial I dont think it is possible. She has put the blame for anything on me since we met because I am the man, and it is always the man's fault. I feel like she has brainwashed me. She thinks I have brainwashed the kids since they want little to do with her. I am trying to encourage them to write, and call her. They asked me a year ago to do this (get a divorce) and I never told her. I didnt want her taking out her anger on them They have had enough with her day to day and that is why they asked me to get them at school, and just start driving and never go back. I guess in retrospect, I should have confronted her with this news, But I was scared for the kids. She is very set in her ways and stubborn. She has a violent temper anytime there is a diffent opinion. She has been painting this beautiful picture of how she treated everyone, but it is a VERY small portion of her time. The rest was pure abuse. She doesnt see or agree with it. Do you think I should try to see her person if she allows it? Should I see my own? I bet she wont agree to see hers because she is a good painter. This is getting to me. Between Lawyers that seem to be idle, to her changing her mind as she talks and paints. I feel like saying whatever. The kids are relying on me to keep them safe. That is all that keeps me going.

Whoa. What do YOU want? And why?

And give me a little more back ground on your wife’s behavior. Why are the children so unhappy with her? And how old are the children?

From my personal experience as a child, when a child wishes parents would divorce in order to avoid a parent, you have to look at that parent. You have to see if there is mental illness or personality disorders.

In my case, I wish my mother had left years before she did. Once she understood that my father was a sociopath (clinically diagnosed), she left.

So, tell me more about her and about what you want.


PS: You were right. Safety first. Don't do anything that you think would jeopardize the safety of your children or yourself. If you need help, contact a women's shelter and talk to someone there. They may be skeptical at first, but they have the expertise to handle potentially violent, abusive situations.

Whoa. What do YOU want? And why?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I guess I had hoped she would let us help each other if the alternative was divorce. She decided that I didnt want her anymore and left. She said I knew she wouldnt go to a MC and that is why I chose that ultimatum.

And give me a little more back ground on your wife’s behavior. Why are the children so unhappy with her? And how old are the children?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> My wife fits all the symptoms of a person with Bi Polar Disorder. She is about to enter menopause. She cant think of one nice thing about her childhood. The kids are unhappy because she would yell and threaten to take things away because she didnt sleep, didnt feel good, was depressed etc. She was starting to threaten bodily harm to them. She was only sleeping about 2-3 hours a day, working nights, and blaming everyone around her for anything that wasnt right. She had her way of doing things. Any variation or opinion, she blew up. She chain *****ed ( never took a breath between things to complain about). She would re think everything that happened in the last three days, looking for something that someone said, meant a lokk that wasnt right etc. Then she would unload herself on us. It wasnt so bad when it was just me. Then she started doing it to the kids. She is in major denial. Everything is My fault. She tells the story the exact opposite. If it is true, why are the kids with me? Why did she leave them if it was me? Why did she say that my 14 YO is a lost cause and she wants to fight me for the 13YO. I will tell you why. The 14 YO has learned that she has a brain, the ability to think and make decisions bases on fact. She is a threat to the my way or the hiway trip the wife is on. She tears into the kids with such verbal abuse it isnt funny. I tried to intervene and it was turned on me. Then I was told that I want supporting her. How do you support someone who is wrong? I couldnt get through her denial.

From my personal experience as a child, when a child wishes parents would divorce in order to avoid a parent, you have to look at that parent. You have to see if there is mental illness or personality disorders.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Bingo. I have looked at why they want to avoid her and completely understand. I tried to discuss things with her about pushing the kids away and she wouldnt hear it. She said it was me telling them bad things about her. Lets face it. I didnt have to say anything about her. She was very clear in her ways. We have spent the last 5 years walking on eggshells, trying to keep things quiet so she could sleep so she wouldnt come down and yell at us. I would panic if someone called and the phone rang, or a bike went by and the dogs barked. I wanted to get rid of the dogs. I wanted to yell at the kids for making noise. Life is noisy. I couldnt do it anymore. She has no idea the stress it put on me. I was running interference with the kids, Dont treat mom disrespectful. Their answer..... Why, she doesnt give us any. She is also controlling to no end.

I was doing firewood. She was in the barn. I was tired. I went in for a drink of water and to sit for 5 minutes. TV was on. I changed the channel to the weather channel to see if I would be doing wood Sunday. She came stomping in, grabbed the remote out of my hand, changed it back to the original channel and said" I had it on that channel for a reason" I said" But you were in the barn, nobody was watching it" She said Leave it alone. and went back out to the barn. Now, the fact that I have passed the milestone of 40, do I really need to put up with that kind of abuse?

In my case, I wish my mother had left years before she did. Once she understood that my father was a sociopath (clinically diagnosed), she left.

So, tell me more about her and about what you want.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We are past the point of fixing she said. Fix What? Its done. She said I made my choice. I know that it was a possibility that this could happen but I hoped it wouldnt.


PS: You were right. Safety first. Don't do anything that you think would jeopardize the safety of your children or yourself. If you need help, contact a women's shelter and talk to someone there. They may be skeptical at first, but they have the expertise to handle potentially violent, abusive situations.

I must say, Now I have fixed many things that were messed up. The bills are paid on time. The ck account is balanced. The credit card is paid off. I have a few dollars left over that the Lawyers will get. The kids are happy that she is gone and they can breathe. I have not changed anything in my daily routine. I still get up, help the kids with the animals, Make sure they eat and get on the bus with all their stuff. I go to work for 10 hours and come home to ask them how their day went. I make dinner including vegetables and milk, clean up the kitchen and do the dishes. In between, I am doing laundery and getting ready to take care of the animals. I sit down in front of the computer, check the email and make sure the kids get their homework done. I make sure they get their showers and brush their teeth. We watch a little TV and off to bed they go after they kiss me goodnight.

Here is the only thing that changed. No yelling, no accusations, no walking on eggshells, no wondering if we have any money in the bank. No panicing when someone pulls in the yard. No wondering who the next bill collector will send us a letter from a lawyer. No grand exhaulted one screaming that we cant do anything right. And no intimacy with a woman. But I think I am the winner anyway. My kids needed the relief. So did I . Now she wants us to give up our whole way of life and she doesnt feel responsible for the kids expenses ex CS. Now she has her friends thinking for her and she will lose more than a bad marriage and the best friend she ever had. Even her Mom was surprised that I lasted this long. What does that tell you. I can no longer talk with our common friends because they are feeding everything I say. You good people here are my support since I cant count on them. Thanks.