I'm a working mom - work because I have to - and I home school my children. I'm getting no support, no child support, and I'm not on welfare.

I was working throughout the marriage and supporting my children because my ex believed his paycheck belonged to him and he shouldn't have to support home/wife/children/fill in the blank..... I was working when I went into labor with both my sons. Oldest son, I'd been working in a restaurant and put in 18 hours the day before. I was also home schooling my daughters at the time.

It can be done - it depends on what you want from your life.

Sorry to have offended you.

Jan

Thanks. I'll recover. It's my issue, my trigger.

Part of my losing it is because my son attends a wonderful school just for children with learning differences and x wants to take him out because....he has his own issues and is in denial.

Not everyone is in the same situation. As for me, I don't work as yet. I was injured by my xh, and had surgery, and still suffer spasms and pain. I do some side jobs, but they do cause pain and spasms. I just suffered an episode this past week for 2 days. It was not fun, and I even cancelled my class Thursday.

We will all make it, just it takes time and some of us have extraordinary circumstances to deal with. With having a child that needs special attention in school, the public schooling will not suffice for this child. How do you think one will feel, if working all day, and then coming home to a child that has no self esteem and becoming more depressed cause they just can't seem to get it.

Myself, I will make it one day, just now I am under the control of my XH giving me alimony right now which is only $15,000 a year. I am on a medical, and if I do have to have surgery again, I may have to file against him, for medical damages. I really don't want to, but it may have to happen, for I can't live on $15,000 a year. Like he stated today, no you can't live on that, and I have nothing else to do but little side jobs. Like I have some curtains to make, simple cotton curtains for a little cottage. I am doing some filing. I have to do things in sort stances, for my back spasms and hurts.

Is it right for the betrayed to try and try, to gain some money and then to have to sit home with a heating pad and in pain. No.

Some of the women here have little kids, that they can't afford to put the kids in daycare. Daycare is so expensive.

I am glad that you are making it, and doing home schooling. You seem to be healthy in all regards, and that is good.

Many of us have physical pain from our XH, and we all are suffering from emotional and verbal abuse. Some of us can move along much quicker than others, for some of us are more emotional than others.

Divorce/separation is hard on the parent with custody, and hard on the kids. All we try to do is make things easier for the kids, for this life was not wished on them, and they are faced with it every waking minute of their life. The betrayers are the ones that are living their life, and not seeing all the pain of everyday life. For they can go home and sit in there chair, and not clean up after anyone else, or do anyone elses laundry or clean up after anyone else. They don't see how our jobs have doubled/tripled. They only have themselves, or their euphoria other person, and no one else.

Most of us will make it. Some of us will be on govt. help, some of us will make it on our own, and some of us will fail. There are many times that I feel like failing. Cause there seems to be no end to everyday hassles.

Faith4me ---

I agree with you that not all of us are in the same situation - but we all choose our responses, and make choices that effect our lives.

I have not had an easy time, it has not been easy to live my life, get my divorce, raise my children, and do what I have to do to get by.

My ex doesn't support us, send child support, or spousal support, nor does he come for visits or send money. The man is absentee.

The choice to home school my children comes with a choice to make less money than I might with a 'regular' job, and more time with my children. It also means that I'm up late working, up early working and quite often still working when other parents are out having fun and enjoying themselves. But it also means that my kid doesn't have to call me from school to tell me to meet them at the Dr. office, they just broke a leg playing kickball, I'm THERE. It means I get to hug my kids between clients. It means I get to show them how to file alphabetically while I'm filing right beside them. It means that when I can take two days off to go see big sis in college - they get to go along because they toss their books in a bag and we go.

We all have choices. I choose not to go agravate my ex by spending time in his home, so he doesn't rip my arm out of the socket and damage me physically for the rest of my life. He isn't worth the effort at this point, and I won't give him opportunity. He doesn't have a key to my home, and he isn't welcome here at this point in time. It's mine. I live here with my kids. If he wants to see the kids, he's got to make other arrangements - at my convenience, at this point in time.

You have choices too. You could change the locks on your home and tell SNL/sufdb to stay away. I believe you've had court orders at some point in time... if not you should have.

Thanks for your input.

Jan

Jan,

Except for the home schooling part, your life sounds similar to mine. Although I am married now, for 2 years, I raised my kids on my own and made choices about my ex to make my life and the kids' lives easier. I choose not to be around him. He was violent with me when we were married, and I doubt that has changed. He chooses not to see the kids and sends very little child support (this month, I got $136), and I never asked for spousal support. After he left, I got my first job EVER making $7 an hour. I paid bills and raised 3 sons on this with no help from the government. The only help I got from my parents was free babysitting and my mom bought the kids' coats. When my mom worked, I was occassionally forced to take my kids to work with me. (my boss was understanding). And it was definately a struggle!!

Within a year at work, I was a supervisor and my pay had increased dramatically. But my time with my kids was limited. I worked out of the home for 50-80 hours a week. After doing that for 11 months, I decided that it was worth sacraficing the time with my kids so a took a 10% pay cut and went back to working 40 hours a week. It made a huge difference in the kids' lives. Plus when I worked less at work, they were able to do extra activities like baseball.

Somehow, I always managed. It seemed when more money was needed, it showed up. When I was broke, it was income tax time and with my income, I got EIC for my kids. It always worked out that me and the kids had what we needed, maybe not a lot of extras though.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone can make it on what they have. You just have to learn to live a little differently. You do what you can afford to do.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you that not all of us are in the same situation - but we all choose our responses, and make choices that effect our lives.

I have not had an easy time, it has not been easy to live my life, get my divorce, raise my children, and do what I have to do to get by. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">we do all have choices, but some of us have more options than others. highly educated people have more options than less well educated, physically and emotionally handicapped have less options than "normal" adults. . . rich people in New York make much more than rich people in cow country Iowa, and therefore have more options in NYC. . . even though the status is rich. . .

just because one or two people have done x,y,z does not mean that everyone and anyone can do x,y,z. all people are not equipped the same. . .

situations should always be looked at as statistically independent and unique to the individuals involved. . .

jan, i have pointed this flaw in your logic processes before. Just because you know someone who has not taken shots and is healthy, just because you know someone who has homeschooled and did well, does not mean that anyone and everyone can, or should. . . the people who did it are not everyone in any aspect of the situation. . .

the only point is that some people can do it. . . its not a black and white issue. . . take each situation as unique and on its own merits and situation, and then determine the possibilities. . .

my first emotional response to your post, "so what. . . . your logic shows that you are borderline dangerous from whom to be taking advice. . . .same as when you were refusing to take preventative medical steps to protect against the uncertainty of the future"

wiftty

<small>[ February 14, 2004, 07:36 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

WIFFTY Posted: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my first emotional response to your post, "so what. . . . your logic shows that you are borderline dangerous from whom to be taking advice. . . .same as when you were refusing to take preventative medical steps to protect against the uncertainty of the future"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wiffty --- I'd get upset by your obvious attack, but I don't have time to be bothered by your narrow mindedness. I have my own views, if you choose to differ with them, that would be your problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a nice day!

Jan

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mitzi:
<strong> Jan,

<snip>

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone can make it on what they have. You just have to learn to live a little differently. You do what you can afford to do.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mitzi ---

It really is a personal choice of how you view the cup. I choose to view it as bubbling over, full and overflowing. I never could understand any purpose or gain from viewing life as a negative. It just doesn't accomplish anything.

Blessings,

Jan

Jan,

Somtimes it gets hard to be positive all the time. There were times in my life that it seemed no matter what I tried to accomplish or how nice I tried to make things, it just didn't turn out the way it needed to.

Cinderella is an intelligent woman. I'm sure that in the end, she will find the outcome that best suits her and her son. I think this was just a vent for her.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi everyone,

I came by here yesterday, looked at this, logged out, thought about it, and now I'm back.

I'm taking a chance writing, because I have felt so utterly misunderstood in my suffering for a long time, and know that this is a HUGE trigger issue for me.

Positive thinking is swell... it really is. I used to be very positive, and maybe could be again. Not that I haven't tried. I've "faked it till I made it" and never "made it" a few times. All the positive thinking in the world hasn't brought me happiness - not even perceived happiness. Yeah, it makes it easier to be around me (nobody likes a complainer), and maybe that's the point.

I was a part of another message board about two years ago. My H and I were struggling so much - won't go into the 'whys and hows' here, but we ended up losing everything we owned - including our apartment. I wrote of washing clothes in the bathtub and going to the food bank to eat. At first, people were kind, but then they just got sick of listening to me. I was told to "Bloom where you are planted" and basically to shut up, sh*t or get off the pot, and various other tidbits.

It was hurtful and frustrating.

If you can be positive in spite of your circumstances, MORE POWER TO YOU. Not all of us are on your path. I respect you, and care about you, but I don't think you understand that positive thinking is not a cure-all. And sometimes, we just need a listening ear and maybe even a hug.

Oops!! Wrong post sorry!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 15, 2004, 10:43 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Sheryl ---

I'm not always positive, I've had my down moments, and I complain now and then. The point is, we all make choices, we have options, life is not a cut and dried operation that doesn't leave any openings for change, unless you have a terminal illness.

Even then, you can choose the means by which you are remembered. You can choose to see the better side, or you can choose to wallow in the pain.

I can't say there has ever been a time when wallowing in the pain changed it at all. Maybe got some sympathy, maybe some help, if people were willing to help, but in general, people begin ignoring me if I'm complaining. I'd rather be part of the solution - than part of the problem. That's my choice.

I've needed a helping hand - so I offer one. Even if it isn't much - just a hand, an ear, a hug, or a kind word makes a difference. I can't imagine that it's any easier to be in the soup line complaining ---- in fact, I would think it would be easier to be there with a desire to find a way out and maybe offer a hand of encouragement to others.

There is a difference between letting people know that you need a helping hand, and wallowing in the riggors of failure without any attempt at getting yourself up and moving again toward some kind of goal.

Jan

Dear Jan,

I hear that you remain positive in the face of adversity, and that you cannot imagine how negativity can help a situation - even the worst of situations. I hear that!

I suppose it's futile to refute it, as this has been your experience, and as you say, your choice.

You and I have never had a problem on these boards, and don't want to start now. I rarely write, and frankly it's because I know my situation is unusual and a bit of a downer at times. I am well aware of that.

Plus, I take things too personally and have a depressive personality - especially in the dark months. At those times especially, it's not a good idea to write (or ever read here).

I agree that being positive is the best course of action, and that you can choose how to react. I'll leave it at that.

Thank you for taking the time to explain how you feel. I appreciate it.

Sheryl ---

I must be speaking greek (or some other foreign language) today --- I was attempting to tell you I understood your POV.

Okay - I just read my post again --- I was in 'fix it' mode. Not intending in any way to put you down for feeling complainy - or for feeling bad. I've been there too. I just wanted to encourage you.

I consider you a very dear friend - and I think you know that. You've been much and often in my prayers the last few months. I know you've been through a lot of rough stuff.

I definitely don't want you to feel bad about what I said. Whew... Sorry. I really don't want to hurt your feelings. Hope this explains it better!

Hugs,

Jan

New - Sorry for your situation - God is able. I would like to expand on Jan's take, if I could and maybe this will be a point of inspiration for you. I don't believe she is advocating DENYING your circumstances. Reality is reality and the fact is that life stinks sometimes. If a person is in the soupline there is no need to deny it, or avoid it. The fact is your circumstances at that moment led you to the soupline. We all have to go to the "soupline", so to speak, in life.

My life, and my M, has me in the "abandonment, pending divorce" soupline. Others here are in the "adultery, pending divorce or reconciliation" soupline. There are some in the "abusive relationship" soupline.

I don't see Jan as putting herself, or anyone else, in the position of denying the need for the soupline. I do see her encouraging us to be as positive as we can and be brave while standing in the soupline. Not slinking into line, time after time, with a defeated purpose and a "woe is me" attitude. Doing all we can, with God's help and grace, to change our circumstances that led us to the soupline to begin with. Not being content to be a continual participant in the soupline.

The power of positive thinking aside, I think you have to rehab a person's spirit before you can rehab their soul (mind, will, emotions, intellect). The Bible says "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he". In other words, perform the "heart surgery" first, then proceed with the brain scan, then get off the operating table and recuperate.

Jan and HPK, thank you for your kind words and explanations. And Jan, hugs back atcha!

I won't take up any more of this thread with my ramblings (and I don't say that with hurt feelings - more with embarassment)... this was not my thread to begin with, I just felt compelled to write because of the subject matter.

Cinderella, I'm sorry this turned into a threadjack of sorts (although Jan did begin the thread, it was to you - I seem to have taken over <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).