Seems WW's idea of mediation is to file for a divorce, to send me a letter saying that I was willing to be served via registered mail.

So I left her a message indicating that this isn't what we agreed to do, and that based on what I've observed I cannot trust her.

After repeated questions to her, such as what should I expect in the mail, etc, I'm told to expect a questionare about financial situation, etc.

What do I get, I get that, PLUS a copy of her filing, with her signature on it.

Arrggghhh, It's not that she filed that has me upset, but rather when I ask her what I should expect, she is rather vague, even after I asked some pretty specific questions.

It's not like she didn't know, as her signature was on the documents that were sent to me.

What causes this double-speak. She tells me she wants a amicable divorce. I keep reminding her that keeping information for me, giving partial answers and not volunteering information is not a good way to get an amicable divorce.

Well, I've spoken with an attorney now, and basically I'm NOT served, just because they say I am, and I have an appointment Tuesday to speak with him.

He asked who her attorney is, and I gave the name on the envelope, and he said, "God that figures..."

Why does this need to be this way? Why the doublespeak?

Tony

javaSansContour,

I've read a lot of your story, and my one overwhelming thought is that you are continually beating yourself up over your wife not meeting your expectations. Even now that you have been separated for a few (5?) months. You still have expectations of her as if she was in the marital state of intimacy or conflict.

Do yourself a big favor and learn to let those expectations evaporate. It appears to me that she is "withdrawn beyond repair". Or certainly beyond any repairing that you can perform yourself.

She's not a car. She's a woman.

I think you have lost this battle. But keep working on yourself, and you may just win the war.

I hope this wasn't too harsh a post to you. You're going through a lot, and I think you're doing a great job, except for in this area.

Just my 2c,

ManInLove

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: ManInLove ]</small>

Java - Your situation is beginning to resemble mine. I understand you are in Missouri? Did she file there? Did you get a copy of her discovery papers? That sounds like the financial info you have to submit. Buddy, your story is still going so don't give up. I know it's a shock getting those papers. Mine was delivered by the Sheriff's Dept. Keep your chin up and know that we are all here for you, my friend. God loves you and your W. God bless!

Whoops, Double Post

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

MiL,

I'm just trying to understand her, but all I get is anger. I don't think I have any expectations, other than maybe hearing the truth, what she feels, etc.

It just bugs me that the woman I trusted can't even tell me the truth.

HPK, I live in IL but work in the Show-Me.

Tony

Hi Java,
I'm sorry. The offer is still good... 2x4 awaiting... swing (warming up...) just point me in the right direction.

I'm not surprised she said one thing then did another. You should stop being suprised, too.

She's self-centered, and she wants this all to be nice while she rakes you over the coals. If she told you to your face, she'd have to deal with it. If she went to MC or IC, she'd have to deal with it. She wants NONE of reality.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What causes this double-speak. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you get a vague answer from her, it means she doesnt want to tell you the real answer because YOU wont like and and you'll make her feel bad <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . She'll tell you something truthfully if it is easy For Her.

She's lied all along. She said it was about YOU, but she had a boyfriend. You try to change, but she doesnt want to see that, or even look to see if you have. If you changed and became 'perfect', she'd have to come back (since that was the only reason she left), and that is not what she wants. It's a smoke screen.

She tried you, she decided to move on... You didnt magically 'make her whole', so she wants to keep looking. Some people do this forever...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If their love life lacks romance, Idealists (NF's) have been known to romanticize their relationships, infusing them with a glow of perfection that can rarely be sustained in the harsher light of reality. All too often the NF's fall into this pattern of romantic projection, accompanied by a considerable investment of effort and emotion, a Pygmalion Project ending in painful disillusionment.

This kind of sobering reality check confronts Idealists sooner or later in all of their romantic relationships, and how they deal with it-whether they choose to develop what they have, or move onto other dreams-determines to a great extent the course of their personal lives.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didnt break her, you cant fix her. Please dont beat yourself up. It's really sad, but you can only do so much. This is about her. I am sorry. Please take care - Dru

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 03:46 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Java,

Informative site concerning "Illinois Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage".

http://www.legis.state.il.us/legisl...FAMILIES&ChapterID=59&ActID=2086

I hope your situation takes a turn for the better.

Dru,

You are right. I quit!

I've tried to put this in Gods hands, asked him to show me the way.

I'm still going in (with my lawyer now) saying I don't want a divorce but she can have one tomorrow if we get close to the terms I offered and she in essence accepted on Nov 29th.

She gets half (except I take house and all debt except her minivan), joint custody, full child support to her, she pays full costs of divorce, NO ALIMONY, divorce decree spells out that she sought divorce and refused marital counselling.

Where do I sign?

Tony

I wish I could say this another way but this is what it is..

When they are in full blown Affair Mode, they will lie and have no problem doing so. Dru had a great point.

If you changed and even were perfect, she'd have to come back. But it was NEVEr about you. It's been all about her desires. Her wants. Her needs. All of that.

Take you out of the equation completely. I mean it. She wants OM and she has to put you aside to get what she wants.

It's lies. Call it what it is. Doublespeak is TOO KIND. It's fog.

She's in it. They won't make sense so don't even try. Talk to new lawyer. Get his advice and if she plays hardball, play it back.

If you're in A, I'd suggest switching to plan B now. Time to cut losses and heal yourself. She is foggy and outta touch with what is really at hand. I know. I lived this.

Like peachy said, I was in a similar situation. My X didn't want anything to do with me. I was nothing compared to his other woman. I was a f*cking b*tch, which he called me quite often. And other names. Plus he spit in my face. And acted very rude towards the kids too. When they have their euphoria in front of their eyes, nothing else looks good.

She is in withdrawal, and amicable. That is what my X said too. Well, he made it very unamicable. And I am hurt financially by it, which he doesn't feel he has anything to do with it. He is still denying many things.

You have to work on yourself, and yourself only. Maybe one day she will come back. Maybe not. Trust in the Lord, he will help you overcome.

basically I'm NOT served, just because they say I am
Many people think just because they get some "legal" papers in the mail, the divorce is on the works.

You have to be given the papers by a process server
or
you sign a waiver of service, which states you have received them,
or (this is not likely to happen but I did it this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) you can do it by advertising in the paper but you have to NOT know where the spouse is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> basically I'm NOT served, just because they say I am
Many people think just because they get some "legal" papers in the mail, the divorce is on the works.

You have to be given the papers by a process server
or
you sign a waiver of service, which states you have received them,
or (this is not likely to happen but I did it this way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) you can do it by advertising in the paper but you have to NOT know where the spouse is. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris,

You have it, her attorney says I agreed to waive service and sign the waiver. I agreed to no such thing, and only agreed to mediation. She HAS filed.

But my daughter is with me now, so I'm going to try to stay away from here most of the weekend.

Tony

Hi Java,
I hope you do stay away this weekend and have a nice time with your D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've tried to put this in Gods hands, asked him to show me the way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You didnt TRY, you DID give it to him.

God works in mysterious way... so they say. You have no idea what he has instore for you. People look backwards all the time and are thankful they DIDNT get what they were wishing for... cause they got something better in the end.

End of one chapter, beginning of the next. Take care - Dru

javaSansContour,

From your first sentence, you have an expectation that she will not be angry towards you, and it's eating you up that she is.

From your second sentence, you have two more very substantial expectations from her -- that she be honest with you, and that she will let you know how she feels.

You're setting yourself up for failure here. She is never going to live up to those lofty expectations.

I think your actions are pushing her further away from you, and only serving (in her mind) to legitimize her affair, and her moving out.

From "Just Your Type" -- How an ESTJ should reach his INFP partner:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be gentle, patient and supportive. Understand that it may take a while for your partner to be ready to talk about what's upsetting her.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen, listen, listen and listen some more. Be attentive and understanding of your partner's emotions, even if you don't understand them.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Watch your tendency to be critical. Accentuate the positive rather than first commenting on what needs to be fixed.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't dismiss your partner's feelings, even if you don't understand or share them.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Slow down and enjoy the moment. Give yourself time to think about options and gather information.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Express your appreciation of your partner's efforts in completing a task. Compliment your partner on her good ideas and unique perspective.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Sound familiar?

ManInLove


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong> MiL,

I'm just trying to understand her, but all I get is anger. I don't think I have any expectations, other than maybe hearing the truth, what she feels, etc.

It just bugs me that the woman I trusted can't even tell me the truth.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: ManInLove ]</small>

Java,
Don't forget her lawyer is guiding her too. My x said they had a special arrangement for me, that if she would not seek alimony(my lawyer said she wasn't intitled anyway), and would take less of my pension and less of the house value if I would grant unlimited visitation (not that I was trying to keep them away) and not seek child support.

So when the papers finally arrived, it was basic 50/50 split on everything, minimum visitation and she lied about her income to keep the child support low. Her lawyer even stole her part of our tax return. He had them and when I went to get them, her figure's were mysteriously missing. I was able to get another copy from my accountant. She never did fill out the official document on assets. She did come clean when I busted her on the lie about her income.

Her lawyer pulled a bunch other tricks too. So don't be too hurt by what your w did. BUT, you need to lower your expectations from her.

Hang in!