My original question was just that "a question". I don't know how to set up a profile, but the relationship I am in is complicated. We were just married in Nov. 1, 2001. Within a few weeks we were already living in seperate homes. Our relationship is 10yrs old, we have one d and my H has one son and I have two sons. We've been in the blending battle for most of those years. It is kind of embarrassing to disclose what caused our seperation, but here it goes. My H made an agreement with my son. My son agreed to push a lawnmower over to our rental home and mow the lawn for $10. The distance may be a half mile give or take. I told my H I could drive him, but he said no, he wanted my son to push it. After school my son realized the distance was further than he thought and started rethinking the agreement. He tried to find someone to go with him, my mother was dropping off my D from school and offered to take the mower in her truck. It would have to wait until the next day. When my H called me he about lost his mind when he found out my S had not mowed the lawn. It was not the mowing he was concerned with it was the pushing of the mower. His opinion of my son is that he is lazy and not willing to work for anything. He wanted my S to prove to him that he could keep his word and do it. So my H took back the $10, which was fine with me. Although I still felt that he was wrong for making this agreement with my son. I explain to him that my son does do alot for me and the family. He cooks for the other kids when my H and I are working. He walks and picks up our D when we are working. So the boy is not lazy. Well, he felt that I was defending my son, we I must admit I have done in the past. Which really made him angry with me. I still don't feel that I was defending my son, I was mostly trying to keep the peace. Now because my son didn't push the mower, my H will not offer to work him, he says for at least a couple of yrs. He will only offer work to his S and my other S. He didn't even want me giving the kids and allowance because he didn't want my S to benefit from that. I was willing to work with my H one weekend(he's a contractor), but he did want me to because I would be willing to pay my S for watching the other kids. So, this turned into a huge argument, and the next day he was looking into divorcing me. I was crushed. Things simmered down a bit, until one day when we were at the court house evicting a tenent. In the tenets testimony she mention that my H had talked to her and told her he was divorcing me in addition to some other humiliating stuff. I was crushed and angry. Leaving the courthouse I mentioned that I was angry with him and he said that it was my fault for defending my S, and had I not what was said in court would never have happend. When we got home he grounded my S for a week, for leaving his skateboard near the front door. I didn't say anything to him about that. The next day he grounded my son for answering the phone after 10pm. Another week. I didn't say anything about that either. Meanwhile he had been sleeping on the couch, ever since the court house. At this time things are still on simmer. One night my younger S is have a bDay sleep over. And there are more than 2 on the trampoline. He makes them get off. When he is telling me about it we are walking into a store. I mention to him that maybe he should have warned them instead. Being that it was a BDay party. He became angry and asked me if I was an idiot. I was so humiliated. He is carrying our D and there were people around. Of course another arguement. This is where I got stupid. We argued at home, he then got dressed and told me he was going out. He leaves the house and when I enter the house I smell gas. I find 2 gas burners on the stove turned on. I also smelled gas in the bathroom. It look as if the gas was on in there to. He was back in minutes and I accussed him. Not of trying to kill us. I was thinking that he was really trying to make me angry. Enough to end the marriage. My accusation was enough for him to decide he wanted a D. I later found out my daughter did it with her bike. And the B/R gas was not turn on the gas made it's way over there and the handle was just slightly move. Not enough to release gas. I did apologize to him for having made the accusation. By this time though, he had already moved out. Now please understand that I have been through alot with this man. When he fight, he can be mean. His words do hurt. So now we are talking about working things out. I suggested getting some help. He said no. He says he will not budge until i apologize for having defended my S about the lawn mowing thing. As I said, I was not purposely defending anyone. I told him that I was sorry for making him feel as if I was defending my S, that it was never my intention to do so. He said that my apology was shallow. I guess what he wants to hear is that I am sorry for defending my son. Period. Until he hears those words, he will not budge on anything else. He has not been very nice these last few weeks and I am not sitting here demanding an apology. He created a huge stick on xmas eve, but cause he thought my mom had not bought his S a gift. He called her everything in the book, and went on to tell our D a whole bunch of not nice things about my mom. To make matters worse my S over heard the whole thing. Which really hurt him. A few days later my mom gave his son a gift. So xmas was ruined. He came by and said he was sorry to me, but in my eyes it didn't do much good. I feel he need to apologize to our D and my S and correct what he said. Yet I have let that go. I would like to try this program and see if it helps. But after all that I have discribed, how do you get started. There is 10yrs of hurt and resentment between us. So that is my story, any advice out there?

Sometimes when my wife and I have been really stuck on something, like the appology your H is wanting from you regarding your son, I do this.
I find something else that I am sorry about and have not appologized for. If you're like we were in those day's it's not that hard to find. Perhaps find a few things. Tell him that the issue regarding your son is still a really difficult one for you, but here are some things that you do feel you owe him an appology about. And start offering them. It may be that he's stradegized and is demanding the one he knows is the biggest to you. Several other items may be less objectionable for you to offer and get him going. If you can get this process started, you'll both end up appologizing for everything in the end anyhow. At least for all the pain caused during the fighting. Keep in mind that the only win is to get that process going. Concessions like appologizing first loose all their sting if they bring about that mutual acceptance of responsibility for your marriage. We used to be huge fighters. We are still in recovery on a lot of things, but fighting is something we have had success in stoping. We used to have 2-3 really bad fights a week. For years. Now it can go months without either of us 'loosing it'. And when when we occasionally do, it never escallates into those multi-day battles that it used to.<p>Focus on the idea that you want things to be better. For us, it was something (perhaps the only thing) that we could agree on.<p>We went to a counsoler who taugh us something called mirroring. It helped us. Basically, you repeat back what the other person said in your own words till they confirm that you got it right. Only then can you answer it. Then the other person has to do the same with your reply.<p>It really worked well for us, but took a while to learn. After figuring it out, we still fought, but the fights got less and less often and it became totally obvious that the fights happened whenever we stopped mirroring.<p>Hope this helps.

I thank you for you advice. You had what I thought was some pretty good advice. However, since the time I place my post, my H has continued to do and say things that to be honest are making me feel nothing but hate. You said that if I were to apologize for the initial incident then the doors would open up for him to do the same. I also considered what you said about apologizing for something I may have done to hurt him in the past. And that all sounds real nice. Except for the fact that I can stand him right now. And alot of the things he is doing and has done in the past are really hard for me to get over. He calls me and wants to discuss out problems then we get frustrated with each other and he resorts to name calling, insulting, or threats(not physical). Just doing something that may make things difficult for me. His behaviour, the best I can discribe is almost like desperation or frantic. I'll want to hang up because we might not be getting anywhere, or he'll hang up on me. Then he'll call right back. It sounds crazy, I know. Then my choices become, stay on the line and have him up set me, let the phone ring and the machine picks up(that's not good because my kids will hear the message) or take the phone off the hook. At times when try to ignore the call, he'll just come over. So times he'll come over and not leave when I ask him to. Tonight, after I didn't want to talk any more, he started with the constant phone calls. He left me and obscene message, thank god I have the volume on the machine turned down. My son was sitting at the desk doing his homework. I've tried telling him what I am feeling or have felt. I have tried so hard to communicate what is going on with me and I have ask him to do the same. He keeps interrupting me or say my feeling are wrong. And when I ask him how he is feeling or felt about something. He can not describe those feeling to me. He just discusses an issue and then tells me it was my fault. He says that he torments me so that I will not reconcile with him. And then he is asking me to apologize to him so that we can reconcile. I've come to the conclusion that we can not fix this on our own. And no apology will fix us at this point, well at least not for me. He seems to feel that my apology will make it all better. We need help and he is unwilling to go and get it. Many of the things he has been doing and has done in my opinion are unforgiveable. I to ashame to mention them here. It's too embarrassing. And when I see what I have been through, I can not understand why in, Gods name, do I stay with the person. I plan to seek help for myself, because I do believe that I need it. I would also gladly try you suggestions if I though they would do any good. But thanks for replying.