My wife was abused along time ago from age 8-12 by her step father. We have been married 8 years.
Last night she says "I think I could go the rest of my life without ever having sex again."
Is there hope? Can she get over this? I have been dead set against leaving, but i find myself lookin at a lifelong problem and actually contemplate leaving her now...what can I do to help US survive this?

I would say that the fact that she's telling you means that she want's you to know and is asking for your help.<p>There are many people here who have recovered from abusive childhood situations. I see nothing that would indicate that you should do anything but support your wife in finding help to understand and begin to resolve these issues.<p>There is abundant help here on these message boards and lot's of people with lot's of experience in getting beyond these types of things. Even the smallest amount of love can heal an unbelievable amount of pain. So give you wife all the love you can and help her find the counsel that she needs to get beyond these troubles.<p>People here can help you as well. It can be really painfull and confusing being the significant other. Not knowing what to do or if you are doing the right thing is the norm. Read the variety of information on the site and in the message boards. Keep asking what to do and talking about things with people here and they will help. They have helped me more that I could ever say.<p>Welcome. You can find help here.

I would definitely get her into therapy as soon as possible. Even if she was a sex machine, abuse takes a tremendous toll on the psyche and she needs to work through those issues for her well-being.

The thing w/ counseling though..You can't force her to go..but you can encourage it..<p>there are as Bumper said here on the msg boards posts that you can read..some in the Emotional needs forum..you can also do a search for abuse threads..there are plenty of them on this site..unfortunantly..some are from survivors, some
from spouses of survivors who are in your shoes..
and struggling w/ some of the same issues you are..<p>I'd not only encourage your wife to get counseling..but, I'd also encourage YOU to get
counseling..if you wish to help her heal from the pain and memories of the past..and help to understand things that trigger these memories..
and work on those things so that they no longer bring on the memories..<p>ie: if your spouse was abused by an alcoholic..
and you drink, and get more 'loving'..the smell of the alcohol could be a trigger for her..(bringing back those memories) it's what she could associate w/ the smell..<p>like when we were little and come home after school to the smell of fresh baked cookies..when we are older..when we smell fresh baked cookies..it reminds of us of when we were little..<p>It's the same thing..only the memories aren't happy ones..so if alcohol is a trigger..(not saying it is..just using this as an example) and you continued to drink..it would continue to bring back these painful memories..and in order to not remember..she would avoid sex..w/ you when your drinking..so as not to have those memories brought back to the surface..and feel the pain all over again..<p>So in order for your wife to heal..she would need counseling, and to figure out what her triggers are..so that she can learn to associate these things w/ new memories..and learn new coping mechanisms..and that is not an easy task..nor is it one that has a quick fix..it took her years to get those associations..and will take a while to learn new ways of thinking..<p>I had a counselor tell me once that it can take a good 18 months just get to the emotional issues..and begin to really understand the damage that was done internally to the soul, so that you can begin to heal..and then another 18 months of counseling..to relearn everything..<p>So the real question is..do you love her enough to stand by her..and help her as she heals? If she's willing to work on it? and you are willing to take responsibility for things you may have done to add to the abuse? (ie: ignoring things she's told you were triggers and doing them anyway)and work on changing your own thoughts and behaviors so that as she grows up emotionally that you will also be growing with her...<p>It's a long road for a survivor to heal..but one well worth traveling..and even better if you have a partner who is supportive of your growth and changes that will be made during the process..<p>As I and the others have said...read through some of the posts..there are books mentioned through out those posts..that are very helpful in the healing process..<p>Hope this helps..

You guys a been a great help!
I do want to help her, but i am afraid that most of the triggers you talk about are normal sexual behavior. (ie touching,oral stimulation and the like..) I have been afraid of going to countseling because I dont what them to say "those triggers need to be avoided." If I avoid them we will live like brother and sister....i have a sister already... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Can you point me in the direction of some of these forums?..BTW WE are both going to go to countseling together ASAP.

MisterE:
[QB]You guys a been a great help!
I do want to help her, but i am afraid that most of the triggers you talk about are normal sexual behavior. (ie touching,oral stimulation and the like..) I have been afraid of going to countseling because I dont what them to say "those triggers need to be avoided." If I avoid them we will live like brother and sister....i have a sister already... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>TR- Look also at when you touch her..like, are they always sexual in nature? or do you sometimes
just hold her to be close to her? does she respond more when you just hold her, and just talk about things? When your emotionally more connected?<p>Can you point me in the direction of some of these forums?..BTW WE are both going to go to countseling together ASAP.<p>TR-Do a search here on the forum for abuse threads..<p>Not sure of the exact site address..I know some are in the Emotional Needs forum..if that helps..

Im sorry it looks like I was misled.(not the first time she did so)
She had been abused, but the REAL trouble was her guilt of an affair. She told me about it the day after I posted. I am devestaded after 9 years and 3 kids to hear this...I have regretfully had to move my posts into the JUST FOUND OUT..
I am truly hurt...