Circ.. & Hanora.. Thanks for your input on my previous post.<p>I am beginning to feel that I simply don't understand how to communicate without being offensive. I know I have burried my feelings in the past. I know how much resentment i had because of it and how the resentment was instrumental in making my wife feel I didn't love her anymore. It still feels really awkward when a try to be emotionally 'out there'. Sometimes I have to force things out and because of that I'm not as carefull as I should be about how I say them. One thing that helps some is for me to write things down, but even then, I don't always get it.<p>This may be rediculous, but I would like oppinions on whether the following 'fixes' are better or worse. It's from an email and reply between my wife and I.<p>ME:
Dear __(W)__,
I don't understand all my feelings for you. I know I love you very, very, much. More than anything. I know that I am terrified of loosing you and would be lost if I ever did. I know these are true absolutely.<p>HER REPLY:
I have trouble believing this when you totally withdraw from me.<p>IS THIS BETTER?:I don't understand all of the troubles we've been haveing, but I know I love you very, very, much. I know this is true absolutely.<p>
ME:
I also admire you, but the things I admire in you are not the things you admire in yourself.<p>HER REPLY:
How would you have any way of knowing this? You find it very easy to interpret my behavior.<p>IS THIS BETTER: I also admire you and I don't feel you know the things I admire most about you. Because of the problems we have had, and the distances we have had between us, I no longer can reach those things in you. I really miss them.<p>
ME:
I also know that I am very angry with you. I know that I don't trust you.
HER REPLY:
I don't know why you are angry, except that I smoked. I don't know why you don't trust me, unless it has to do with my smoking. If there is something else you are angry about or causes you to not trust me, you need to tell me. If it's the smoking only, then I have a problem with your extreme reaction. I don't believe the punishment (total withdrawal) fits the crime (having a cigarette).<p>IS THIS BETTER? I know that I have anger that has build up that I need to get rid of. I also want to find out, and fix, the reasons that I still have trouble trusting.<p>ME:
I feel that I can't make you happy
HER REPLY:
You make me completely happy except when you withdraw from me like this. I have always tried to be willing to compromise when we disagree. I think I have made many changes that reflect that compromise. I try to consider your feelings in everything I do. That doesn't mean I am perfect, but I am not bad enough to warrant your withdrawal.<p>ME:
or if I can, what I have to do is so against my own beliefs and principles that I resent it afterwards.
HER REPLY:
I don't know what this means. I do not believe that I have asked you to do anything against your beliefs and principles, but I do believe that you feel I have. However, your misinterpretation of me is something I cannot control, so I don't know what to do about it. Especially when you won't talk to me about it until it all comes to a head.<p>IS THIS BETTER? I want to make you happy. And I want it to feel good when I do it. Sometimes I still bury my feelings about things and think I'm doing the right thing by trying to make you happy in spite of how I feel about something. I want to learn to tell you how I feel without it stopping me from making you happy.<p>ME:
So I'm stuck in this place where I'd rather be around you and staying at an arms length. And I know that as bad as this is, it is better to me than loosing you. I would live the rest of my life this way rather than loose you.
HER REPLY:
I would not live the rest of my life this way. I require a real relationship. And I think that's possible with you. I think I have demonstrated over and over again that I want it to be with you.<p>IS THIS BETTER? I hate being stuck in this place where I'm at an arms length from you. It's better than being apart, but I want it to be much better.<p>ME:
And I am very afraid of doing something that will make things worse and drive you further away.
Please do not bother to get a babysitter. There's one thing I have decided. I'm not going to do the 'constantly overbooked' thing anymore.<p>HER REPLY:
I resent the implication that I am the cause of your distress of being constantly overbooked. I resent your willingness to cancel the scuba (which is a thing to do together), yet express regret about not being able to help in the church move. I know that you would like to do that, and it's important to you. Just as my fish stuff is important to me. Why is it ok for you to want to do things, but I get the feeling that all the stress about being overbooked is because of MY things? I always ask you before I go to a fish meeting to make sure it's ok. I haven't gone to Bunco in months. We have talked about my schooling and my working out, and on both accounts you have said you agree it's good for me. What more can I do? I am trying to consider your feelings and ask your permission. But it seems you give me permission, then later you resent me. I resent this.<p>IS THIS BETTER? One problem I feel I'm having is being so busy that I don't have time to sort things out. Do you think there's anything we could cut back on over the next few weeks. I really want to be ready to enjoy our upcomming vacation. I'm afraid that if things keep up the way they are, I'll spend the first half of it in recovery mode and I don't want that.<p>
ME:
of paying attention to the kids and spending time with them.
HER REPLY:
I resent your implication that you care about spending time with the kids more than I do. I think we need to talk about what we each feel is necessary family/kid time and whether we are meeting our goals. We haven't talked about this. I would be willing to talk about it, and it is part of the Marriage Builder program. We stopped early.<p>IS THIS BETTER: It's also still bothering me that I don't spend enough time with the kids. I think that time with them would also work as a 'sorting out' time for me and a great stress reliever.<p>ME:
That's where I'm headed. I believe that's the right thing for me to do. I'm going to focus on trying to be a better person myself.<p>HER REPLY:
You have no idea how self-righteous and judgmental this sounds in my ears.<p>IS THIS BETTER: Leave this out altogether. (I can't believe I actually said that.)<p>ME:
I do not know what to do about our relationship. It would hurt me greatly to loose you, and I feel that might view my decisions as being a judgment on you. I don't intend this. But I can understand, given my past, how this might sound that way. I don't mean it to. It's really me wrestling with my own conscience and struggles with my own life and beliefs about how I should live.<p>_(H)___.<p>HER REPLY:
It seems we have so many mutual resentments it might be hard to get through them. I am willing to try again. But I am not willing to be the bad person in this relationship. I will not tolerate your withdrawal and judgment of me but I will be patient for as long as I can. Please tell me what the next steps should be.<p>IS THIS BETTER: I really want things to get better. I know it won't be tomorrow, or probably not the next day, but I want to keep trying till we get it right. I know we've had some really great times. I believe we are capable of more.
