I recently filed for a divorce I didnt really want, but felt I had no choice.

My h had an affair in 1999 for about a year. I was a regular on this forum during that year. I did everything in my power to save the marriage. I plan A'd, I plan B'd. H moved out and lived with ow for 3 months. He came back home and we reconciled only to find that he continued to see her. This went on for a year. During this year I know of one other woman he was also with. The affair ended because ow got fed up and found a boyfriend. But during the year, she bought a house in the neighborhood my h and I built a brand new house in.

We sold that house to get away from ow, and built a new house. A month into our brand new home and a year after h's first affair ended, it happend again. He cheated again. He ended this affair rather quickly, but the damage was done. During his 2nd affair, he was mean again and actually told me he regreted sometimes that we got back together. He crushed me. He vowed to never cheat again and to treat me better.

I decided to try again, but was so devasted that he could do this to me after everything we had been through to try to repair our marriage. I physically was in the marriage, but emotionally, I was distancing myself. I began looking at houses I could afford on my own. I began thinking about life without him. We reconciled again and for a couple of years, he didnt seem to have any cheating episodes, although I had heard rumors that he still was involved in flirtations and making himself "available".

Anyhow, as these past couple years went by, it has taken a toll on our marriage. I simply ran out of energy to try to save it. I ended up have a shortlived 2 month affair (mostly emotional). I ended it, but it certainly did not help our marriage. By Nov. h had been doing his own thing and so was I. I heard rumors of him again hitting on women, so I left in mid Nov. I still did not want a divorce, but wanted some time. Well my h told me a few weeks ago he wanted a divorce, and there was no chance for us at all. I couldnt believe that he would not give us a chance after everything I had done for him.

He was seen with a woman holding hands, but I dont know if he is just dating around with one or many.

We were in the process of building a new house and he was in charge of all the money. He had been telling a lot of his friends that he already had filed for divorce. Once I heard that, I went and got a lawyer and filed almost 2 weeks ago. I had to protect the assets and I had to take it out of his controlling hands.

I am now deeply saddend and overwhelmed at the pain of this. Its so hard to go through. Does it get better? I feel very hopeless and sad most of the time.

Any replies would be appreciated.

First of all don't give him any more ammo to use against you. I have been there and done that except no affair on my part. My x would have wielded it like a sword back at me.

Use this time to work on you. Until you are divorced and have time to heal, dating shouldn't be an option...You're vulernable from all the years of his adultery. Been there done that too.

I suggest that you go back into plan B at this point. Hire a PI if you need to and do a thourough investigtion of everything to do with assets. If he's been cheating and lying for several years now, there may be hidden assets he's tucked away b/c he knew this day would come. Get an attorney who's a bulldog and also a forensic accountant if you need to on the front end. Wish I had done that at the get go.

Yea, it's darn sad. I am sorry and I wish you healing and hope.

IMHO, it almost sounds like he waited until you hit your breaking point and had the affair to abandon the marriage. Like he was looking for you to fall somehow and then used it against you.

Breathe, pray and surround yourself with loving people now. I know it's hard. You put so much energy into healing your marriage. I know too. But you did your best and that's all anybody can do. You will have peace in the end as I do because I know I did all I could do. Now the affair you had was not smart, but I believe he would have either cheated or left anyway just from his past and present behaviors. There are some WS who go for that adrenaline rush of conquest. Mine was one and seems as yours is too. Sadly, I don't think my x could ever be faithful to anybody other than himself.

I would say listen to the attorney, do what they say and don't engage H on any level right now. Wound is too fresh. Plus you need to refocus and re evaluate. Leave the law to the professionals. Let them worry with it but demand regular check ups where they let you know progress being made. Try to detach from him and get off that damn rollercoaster. It's hard after you've been a passenger for five years now.

God bless you and I am sorry. You can still do a good plan B even when divorcing btw. Just focus on the present and healing you and healing the kids.

Thanks for responding justpeachy! I appreciate it. I was wondering what a forensic accountant is and what they do?

Thanks for the advice. I will plan B and have already been doing it just for my sanity. Its funny you said to hire a bull dog for an attorney. Because that is exactly who I hired, her nickname is the bulldog!

He is being very cold, mean and greedy. Even after he wrote me a letter stating that he would take care of me financially and as far as the house goes. I find out behind the scenes he has no intention of being good.

I live in Michigan. Is your state a no fault state, and if so, did character ever come into play as far as influencing the judge on assets to your side?

A forensic accountant looks for hidden assets. Swiss bank accounts, etc. They’re tough.

Nags, I can’t believe you’re worried about him giving your marriage another chance.
He should be worried about why you won’t give him another chance. A chance to prove he can change.

I’ll give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the first EA or PA. I do not believe that once a person has an affair, he or she will do it again. But, I do have certain red flags. Seeing more than one OP at a time is at the top of the list. It signifies to me that he or she can’t be honest with anyone, not even the OP. It also warns me that the WS is incredibly needy. He or she needs more than one person to fill his or her emotional needs.

Another red flag is a subsequent affair when the couple is supposedly in recovery. This is a person who either didn’t learn from his or her mistakes or who doesn’t care about the damage an affair does so long as it feels good.

Your affair seems more like a sauce for the goose affair, and it sounds like you found out it doesn’t quite work that way.

I think you were right to protect your assets. And you’ll be fine. Honest you will. I found that once I decided to call it quits, I had all this energy. This energy that wasn’t being siphoned off trying to saving a doomed marriage.

Now, maybe your marriage can be saved. But if I were you, I’d follow Peachy’s advice and do a hard core no-contact Plan B. And don’t let him back too early.

Thanks Greengables:

I have all the same red flags you listed. I remember feeling at the first affair, the only way that I could accept getting back with him was to truly believe that anyone can make mistakes. I had to believe that with the knowledge he had of how he hurt me, and for him to actually feel like he was going to lose everything, that he would have never been able to do it again. After he did it again, I stayed with him, but something inside of me changed. Most of my hope was gone, and I began a journey of slowly distancing myself from him. I no longer put all of my energy into saving the marriage.

Eventually, I just ran out of steam.. When I wasnt putting 110% into the marriage, we began drifting apart, because he certainly wasnt going to try to keep it going.. The way he acted was that he liked it that way. He didnt have a wife that demanded any emotional committment from him anymore.

Then, while venting to a friend about my life with my h, I became emotionally connected to my friend. My friend wanted more from me, wanted me to leave h, but I just couldnt do it. I could never leave for another person. I let go of my friend and did not contact him. He is seeing someone else...

Instead of my h trying to work on the marriage, or get counseling or try, he used it as an opportunity to be a bachelor again and date, and flirt etc... Which tells me something about him.

I am starting to feel more relaxed. I was so emotionally drained through the years of trying to fix him and keep our marriage, I had no energy left. I dont even feel like trying now, and I think at this point I just want it over with.
I have my days of insecurity that I think I want my marriage back,,,, but thats just it..I want a marriage, but I dont want it with him. I miss being married and being on a team. I dont miss him. Hopefully, that will help with my recovery from this.

I bet you won't miss being a part of a team as much as you think, because you weren't part of a team when it came to the crucial teamwork: building the marriage. There you were alone.

I have a feeling that the only time you were really a time was when you were building new houses. I'll bet that process was a positive teambuilding one. You did it three times as I count.

I think you're making some good decisions here.

Thanks Greengables:

You are pretty perceptive. I think our whole marriage was about houses! Our first one we fixed up., then built 3 more in 6 years. I did feel as a team with him them. You are right though, we were never a team about money, he controlled it all. We were never a team about the marriage, he never put any emotional commitment to it. He was merely there... Sucking up the life out of me.

I know some day I will really realize what my marriage was lacking.. I will someday meet someone new that will be truly interested in me and I will be amazed at what it really can be like!

Things are going better because I do not contact him and my lawyer has taken over. So, I am pretty happy about that.

Thanks for responding. It helps to get these responses!

Oh, Nags! I wish I could give you a hug! There's nothing quite like having your heart ripped right out, is there? It's unbelievable how just plain mean some people can be to someone they made a committment to "cherish" to.
It may be helpful to get an "in person" counselor. You sound like you're tender-hearted enough that he may count on pulling a lot of crap over on you by making you feel guilty or like you're the one being mean or unreasonable. You need to get frequent reality checks from someone, to keep you from being further abused. I know how much damage a husband can do with the things he says while he's fooling around. I think it makes it more justified in the mind of the one straying if he (or she) can convince himself that it's not HIS fault....if you had sex more often...if you kept the house cleaner...if you didn't expect him to treat you like a person of value...whatever!
I wish we all had controls on our brains that would intercept all that crappy input and delete it before it becomes imbedded in our heart!!
Hiring someone to check out finances is a good idea. You also need to get ahold of any kind of records (bank statements, tax returns, receipts, anything you can find). Make copies that you have someone else keep or carry in the trunk of your car. It's amazing how some things will come up missing...
I know this is an awful time for you. It's like an extra kick in the teeth when you've tried so hard for so long and been hurt so much and then HE decides HE wants a divorce (can you tell I've been there?). It would just feel a little better to be the one who did the dumping. It's really hard, but you need to try to divide your brain in half here. One half is for the horrid way this all feels and one half is for taking care of the business part of getting a divorce. I let the halves of my brain communicate too much and well, let's just say, I didn't do the business part as well as I should have.
{I don't know how old you are, but at 46, I'm having to start over with nothing. Actually, less than nothing, since I was a SAHM and now have no marketable skills and I'm staring down the barrel of middle age....}
You have actually been given a gift by him. You would have stayed and tried and tried to make your marriage work and gotten more beaten down as the years went by. The best revenge is living well. And by that, I don't mean financially well. I mean your best revenge is that now you can start to heal (which you wouldn't have been able to do if you were still together)and you can move on to a life that is calm and where you can begin to feel like you are special and valuable just because you are you. but speaking of money...
Remember that whatever line of work you may be in, overall, his future earnings will probably be more than yours. What you get in a settlement is not going to break him financially, but it may make a difference in your financial future.
I agree with JustPeachy. Forget dating right now. It might seem like it would be great to be with a guy that treats you well, right now, overall, you have enough to handle. It's also something that your "husband" could use to make you feel like you're a terrible person. Also, I happen to know that even though it feels really, really good to be treated well, it kind of puts off the healing.
Does any of this make sense?
One final bit of advise...(boy, are you gaining from MY mistakes!)...if you talk about your divorce, your husband, any of that, remember that unless you are talking to a counselor, what you say may very well be repeated to other people. Also, avoid talking about it to certain people if you find that everytime you do talk about it, you end up madder or sadder than you were before you talked to them. Unfortunately, some people will just seem to make you feel worse.
Whew!

Linbap: thanks so much for your reply.

You gave me a lot of great advice. I have not spoken to my h in 2 weeks. He changed the locks on the duplex. I have been paying half of the rent and utilities and bills up until now, even though I was out of the house. My attorney told me it was ok to get a locksmith and just get some personal belongings like clothing, medication, work stuff and mail. So last Thursday I did that.

I got a nasty email on Friday stating that he actually filed a police report on me and a lot of other crap. I know I was within my rights to do what I did, he is probably just threatening me. He is a police officer and thinks he is better than the rest.

Anyhow, I did not even respond to his email. I just forwarded it to the lawyer. I am ok if I dont speak to him. He has beat me down for so long, I am finally starting to realize it for the first time. It feels good to be away from that crap!

I am 38 years old, and have a good job, work experience and have a masters degree.
For years I brought home more money than he did because he was paying 1,000 a month in child support for the 2 kids he had before I knew him. One of the kids I didnt even find out about until after I married him.

I will be ok financially. I have things to fall back on.

I am very kind hearted and I always seem to give in to him. I have began growing stronger even before this divorce because I coulnt take it anymore. I think that may be another reason why he wanted the divorce...because I became more independant and didnt let him walk all over me anymore. I actually demanded more from him...

I have a great support network of friends and family that have thus far, seemed to keep me on the right track. I get weak sometimes when I am sad and lonely, but have been trying to stay busy.

I am also going to start counseling next Monday so I am looking forward to that!

Thank you again for you response! It helps me.