Gentlepeople,
I have been separated for the past 14 months.
I separated from my DH with a
broken heart but also with every hope that somehow we'd find our
way back together. I have had much time to reflect on the state of affairs. While getting a significant measure of control over the chaos in my life, I have
used the time to think about what went wrong. I had to confront my
part in the failure of our marriage.
Not meeting each other's emotional needs is a the mayor source of resentment. Add to this the fact that I'm not the greatest, cleanest housewife, I spend too much money, and I'm married to my job. Lack of sexual desire came in the picture also since I am menopausal. I am also a recovering alcoholic. So I have a lot of faults.
What gets to me is that in the last 18 months of my 28yo marriage I was totally sober, had started taking hormones, had entered into debt management and making successful payments to remedy our situation. I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
The announcement that he had gotten an apartment came on 12/1/02. He physically moved out on 12/22/02. He said some very terrible things to me that night, "I'm only a fat slob", "People like me don't need any help", "He had put up with me for 20 years". Needless to say I was totally devastated.
Every few months I have asked if he loves me and he says yes, but there is no attemp to talk. If we happen to talk he screams at me. I am totally at fault for everything that went wrong in our marriage.
I have recently found out that he has been 'seeing' an old friend of his for the past year. He has not told me himself, but once when I mention something about it he did not deny it. This past New Year's Eve, he asked me for a divorce. I said that we needed to talk about lots of things, he agreed but has cancelled three 'appointments' with me.
Our eldest son (21yo) had a long talk with me. He said I should move on and not worry about DH. Our youngest son (10yo) is totally devastated by the OW. He is suffering in his school work and an evaluation by a psychiatrist showed him to be depressed.
I am seeing a counselor and I take antidepressants now. Since I found your site (this New Year's Eve) I have been reading the posts.
Can this marriage be saved? OR should I move on?
I believe he still loves me and I certainly love him. I do not want to go back to the marriage we had, but I can't get through to him.
I look forward to your posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Welcome to MB.

And I don’t know the answer. It really depends on your husband. So far, he still seems to be wrapped up in blaming you. Now, your alcoholism and over-spending surely did a lot of harm. BUT, what about his tolerating the behavior for years? Who’s fault is it he tolerated it for 21 years? Not just your fault. His fault as well because he didn’t say NO.

I know because I’m a version of your husband. Only I’m still tolerating all kinds of destructive harmful behavior. And shame on me. It stops today at lunch.

How are you doing now while under all this stress? Are you still sober?
Still attending meetings? Your children will need you strong and sober no matter what happens. Staying sober must be your top priority, even over your marriage, in my humble opinion.

Good for you for becoming sober. Your desire to work on yourself is the utmost #1 postmark right now. Yes, the depression is a result of your marriage to your two boys. I know, my kids have the same side effect.

Through your growing and showing that you are a good woman, and are finding solutions to long history problems, will show your husband that you are making amends. No guarantee that your marriage will come back, since there is another woman. For he is in denial, that he has done anything wrong. The wayward spouse denies 95% or 100%, while putting the blame on the spouse. Part of their mentality. I would recommend counseling if at all possible. And counseling for your children. I wanted my children to get counseling, but my X said no. And I can't afford to pay for the counseling myself. So my kids never went.

This is the time to do for yourself, what you see wrong, what the counselor sees that needs to be changed, and do what is right for you and your family. Remember, your husband is in the fog, and living an adulterous life. So I would ask for prayer, and seek guidance with GOD. This is a tough situation, and many of us have been through it. I am divorced, because of xh ballistic actions, and his not wanting to reconcile. Moving on ahead, has been very difficult, but now I am starting to move. It feels good, and I see many opportunities for myself. I know, that one day I will find someone that is a christian, and loving man, that cares for his wife like the bible says. And I know that one day I will spend the rest of my life with this someone special. GOD works in mysterous ways.

Given the chance to change, GOD will help you.

greengables,
You write: How are you doing now while under all this stress? Are you still sober? Still attending meetings?
I'm doing as well as can be expected. I spent 6 months in a total fog and then 4 months in what I was calling my accident prone phase, but now see as my suicidal phase. I have been seeing a counselor and taking antidepressants for the last 4 months. My thinking is clearer, much less 'stinking thinking' going on in my head. I am sober (2 yrs, 7 mos, 17 dys). I don't see me drinking (& smoking} again. Unfortunately, I never attended any AA (or support) meetings. I quit 'cold turkey" after the last intimate conversation I had with DH. I quit because I was hurting myself physically and my loved ones (DH & 2 DSs) emotionally. I don't think I would recommend the 'cold turkey' approach. It's only been in the last 4 mos. that I have realized how important/necessary a supportive ear is.
gg did you stop at lunch? It is interesting that you mention the fact that DH is at fault also. My counselor had mentioned this too. I just don't believe that he really was all that unhappy with me for all those years.
At any rate, thanks so much for your response.

greengables,
You write: How are you doing now while under all this stress? Are you still sober? Still attending meetings?
I'm doing as well as can be expected. I spent 6 months in a total fog and then 4 months in what I was calling my accident prone phase, but now see as my suicidal phase. I have been seeing a counselor and taking antidepressants for the last 4 months. My thinking is clearer, much less 'stinking thinking' going on in my head. I am sober (2 yrs, 7 mos, 17 dys). I don't see me drinking (& smoking} again. Unfortunately, I never attended any AA (or support) meetings. I quit 'cold turkey" after the last intimate conversation I had with DH. I quit because I was hurting myself physically and my loved ones (DH & 2 DSs) emotionally. I don't think I would recommend the 'cold turkey' approach. It's only been in the last 4 mos. that I have realized how important/necessary a supportive ear is.
gg did you stop at lunch? It is interesting that you mention the fact that DH is at fault also. My counselor had mentioned this too. I just don't believe that he really was all that unhappy with me for all those years.
At any rate, thanks so much for your response.

OOps!
I'm sorry for the double post.

Faith4me,
Thanks for your response.
I continue in counseling. I will begin to take my 10yo next month. My DH has agreed that I can take him to counseling. (And since I pay for the medical insurance he didn’t give me a hard time). However, he does not want to attend couple’s counseling. He told me he was not about to stuff his feelings.
I agree that it is time to change and to do right by my sons and granddaughter.
Good luck to you.

Well, I did better at that lunch. I’ve got a way to go on defending my boundaries.

I’m glad to hear you’re sober. And of course your H is at fault too. Rarely, rarely is it all one person’s fault. Sometimes, the active wrong doing is more on one or another’s head. But, as I’ve learned the hard way, there is such a thing as passive wrong doing.

Passive wrong doing is allowing those close to you to do harm. It’s allowing them to get away with active wrong doing. It’s not standing up for what you want and need. It’s just slipping silently away.

In my own marriage I’ve been guilty of both. And while I have some remorse, I have no desire to fix my marriage at this point. It is completely and irreparably damaged.

Now, if you want, you can try Plan A for a while and see if that helps. You two have a lot of history, and the good memories may work for you. Have you read up on Plan A?