I wish I understood or knew how I am supposed to act and feel right now. I often wonder if other divorced women go through this flighty confused state. I know and can say that a relationship with my XH would never work. However, when something else in my life is unfamiliar or even a teeny bit uncomfortable, I find myself gravitating back to him. I don’t think this is because I want us to be together, and especially not because I think he’s changed or that things would be better. I think it’s more a matter that, even if it’s not what I deserve or better than what I’ve had in the past, it’s at least familiar, like an old shoe. I wouldn’t have this problem if he was completely gone, or if his OW was still here. I have said it before and I stand by this statement: it’s not that my XH has “wised up” or that he even wants to be with me forever. It is merely the fact that I’m convenient, and he doesn’t have to work as hard to get what he wants with me, because he already knows which buttons to push.

I think it really said a lot when I talked today about rejecting the foreign. I feel as though I’m doing that a lot lately. Not used to being treated nicely, or being romanced, and it’s just weird. So I feel like I’m doing a “run away fast” tactic on some levels. But then again, I’m also doing everything Kate Hudson did in “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days”. It’s strange, but I can actually almost feel it when I switch gears, and become clingy, needy, and whiny…you know, all those things guys hate. The bad thing is, I feel it, but can’t seem to slow down enough to stop myself from doing it before it’s too late. On one hand, it’d be great to have someone who really cared about me. On the other hand, I’m so jaded relationship-wise these days that I almost destroy anything good before I can get hurt myself. I fear getting hurt again if I let my guard down and allow myself to love someone else. I fear making bad choices and having them wreck my life and the lives of my kids. I fear picking someone “bad” that doesn’t set the example that I want to raise the boys to have. I feel like I’m spinning almost as bad now as a year ago, and then I wasn’t even out. So what’s my problem now??

I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done here to help the situation. I just feel so frustrated in that I know I am the one who can correct things by settling down and just chilling out…the fact is I don’t know how easy it is to do that.

Ladies (or other BS's)...am I alone on this, or have others felt this way also??? (I know peach has been here, doing this...)
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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Girl friends. Lots of them. Smart ones who know about all kinds of stuff. Like fixing the leaky sink. Family. You name it. Anyone but him. I used to play games with myself. I’d say, I’ll call three other people first. And if I still need to call him, then I will. Usually, I didn’t.

Of course, you can do what tons of newly divorced people do and track down all your ex boyfriends to see if they’re married, single or divorced. This is a lot of fun, I hear. And very distracting.

You didn't say how long you have been divorced, but I think this is the main reason it is recommended that you wait for x amount of time prior to getting into another relationship. I think you/we need to get over that feeling that someone else will help/solve our problem and jump into a serious relationship without seeing the red flags. Look at our x's. I think it is easy to enter the fog orselves.

I didn't wait, but I was lucky. The first woman I went out with wasn't interested at all. We went out once. The second woman was interesting, but young. That lasted about 2 months.

The third woman I dated after about 1 yr divorced and I was starting to fall for her. Then she started about she didn't like how my kids came first, etc. She suggested we slow donw, I borke it off.

The woman I see now, I was very resistent to havving a serious relationship with, but it has worked out so far(3+ yrs).

I think if I had met this woman first, I would have been married already.

OK, GG....

I got ya on that one. But that still does not explain why, even though there hasn't been a shortage in the date department (just like peachy), why I can't seem to just let go and allow myself to be "normal", whatever that means.

I seem to go from "I don't want to get serious, NO WAY" to "Gosh why hasn't he called?" in a matter of minutes, and can't seem to get a grip.

I have some girlfriends, and I do have my kids, but I hate not knowing things.

skippie - the time will come when you won't be so eager to know what he is doing. Cause you have got your life under control and are seeking better ways to be better yourself. I still wonder what my X is doing sometimes. But not nearly as much as 6 months ago. I just say, he is doing his thing and I am doing mine. I am on a track that I am in school for battered women, and I am on track with keeping my kids under control and giving them the love they deserve and the attention that they deserve.

Also, going to school has proven to me that I am a good woman, and not the f&cking b*tch that my X called me during his affair with the other woman and when she dumped him. I know now that I am loveable, and liked by many people. I can have some fun now, and it is good to start hearing my laughing again. Not as much as I used to, but some.

As far as dating, I am going to be scared, and I will put my shield up. I was told in counseling that that will take time. I don't trust men, very much right now. I don't trust them to see me for what I am only for a sex object. A lot of damage has been done by my XH, and there is a lot of healing to happen. For I feel that in reconciliation, I was just a sex object to my H at the time. I don't know, maybe I am wrong, but I do feel that way.

So do things for you. And I don't know where you live, but I am in Michigan and I am looking forward to getting outside, being active, and getting in a walking group, and enjoying the SUN that GOD gave us and finding more of myself.

You are a very special woman, and GOD made you the special woman you are.

F4M,

Thanks so much for the nice post!! Yes, I think you and I are sisters, by the way...I have been in therapy for the last year now, and can see a definite improvement from where I was, but I am still a long ways from where I want to be. Dating for me has been OK; I find myself able to say I don't know exactly what I do want from a relationship, but I know what I DON'T want. Yes, I've also felt like guys only notice you as a sex object. In fact, (I know this is gonna sound weird and warped to some people but bear with me) it almost repulses me when a guy tells me I'm beautiful/gorgeous/sexy/pretty, etc. In my relationship with XH (and by the way, I strongly feel that this man has a sexual addiction, but he will never admit it, or check into the possibility), I never lacked hearing those things, but what I really wanted to hear was that I was a good Mom, or that he appreciated that I balanced the check book, or that he liked my pork chops (get the idea?). In short, I felt like I was a warm body that could have been just about anybody, and a lot of the emotional emptiness got to me. I got to the point where I felt sex was a job - something you were obligated to do as a married person - and I grew to dislike it. So, in that way, I guess my own sexual dysfunction needs to be "fixed" before I try to tackle a new relationship.

Dating...so far has been fun. I guess as long as I go into it knowing that you don't have to define the status of your relationship with someone after one date, and don't really expect anything, that I'll be OK. I have some boundaries that I refuse to cross when it comes to dating: 1. I will date someone until I feel comfortable with them and feel I can trust them MYSELF before they'll EVER meet my boys. I intend to make sure that my potential future mate will be worthy of my kids, not the other way around. 2. I will not have a boyfriend spend the night at my house (in the guestroom or otherwise) while my kids are in the house. After all, I should hold myself to the same moral standards I expected from my XH when he brought his OW home in the fall.

Anyway, those are the ramblings of Thursday (I guess I should update the post title, huh??).

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Skip, Normal is all relative. Normal is usually just what you’re used to. And you were used to being married and (once) knowing that you’d be with that person for the rest of your life. Now, you’re divorced, something new and uncomfortable. Now, you don’t know what the future holds. And now, you’re in therapy and making changes, many of which don’t feel “normal.”

Don’t worry about being normal. I go through clingy phases myself. Only after many years of disappointment, I’ve learned to cling to my girlfriends. Can you imagine if I ever have a serious romantic relationship? I’ll have to learn not to cling to my girlfriends but to my mate! That will be very scary for me.

Up and down, it’s all part of the healing processes.