[img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Here is a topic for which I hope to get some reply's from people who are on both sides of the river.It is not an easy subject to deal with, because whomever was the one in the soured marriage is more than likely to be the one who has to admit that they have any "baggage".Let me rephrase that.Everbody has "baggage",but "baggage" that was caused by one's previous marriage, MUST and CANNOT be brought into the new marriage.PERIOD. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
In life,which is all trial and error,we generally make decisions on previous experience's.It is human nature.If you stub your toe walking barefoot on the concrete,and have done it enough to where you have lost your toe nail,you more than likely arent going to walk barefoot on the sidewalk anymore.You will put shoes on and walk very careful.But,if all the kids are walking barefoot on the sidewalk and someone ask you why your wearing shoes,you should not be ashamed to say that you've had a very bad experiance walking barefoot,obviously had a problem lifting your foot and wearing shoes has elimitnated the problem.But,you cannot deny the fact that the reason you wear the shoes in the first place is because you have stubbed your toe many times,and that is why you are cautios. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] With that in mind ,let me give you our problem.I will type all words because I have no clue as to what all the abrieviated symbols are.
This marriage was my first ,her second.We are both 33 years old ,and have known each other since high school.We have the same friend base and know allot of previous history about each other which is good,but at the same time,VERY BAD.We both had a crush on each other in high school,but we never dated,because of the timing of other relationships.She then met her husband out of HS and married him(1986).She was a virgin at that time.(which,I may add,is allot of pressure on a girl at that particular age). I ,on the other hand,continued dating "every girl" around,according to her,but was actually just looking for love.(obviously ,in all the wrong places).Move forward to 1998,she is leaving her husband due to falling out of love with him. He obviously is'nt happy and proceeds to fill her in on his 12 years of infidelity,lying,betrayal,manipulation,and or numerous other things that would naturally hurt and embarrass any human being that breaths air on this beautiful place we call earth. NOW,I am obviousy not going to sit here and say that she has no right to feel upset,hurt,betrayed,deceived,embarrassed and distrustful.We knew she was hurting from all the news that had come up,but was also so happy she was out of the relationship.She said at the time (confiding to me as a friend)that she was,in her heart,already gone from him so she wasnt that botherd by all the revelations.YEAH RIGHT,I said to myself.It might make it easier to get over it,but you can't say that it would'nt effect or persuade the way you might think or make a descision.There is no way that anybody could believe,that after 12 years of thinking that you had a perfect marriage in bliss,had no clue what was really going on,that they did'nt have any distorted views about relationships.No way ! We started dating almost 6 months after their demise and I knew that she was very hurt,and thought I could help her.I have always been someone that is happy,surround myself with happy people,and pretty much have done pretty good for myself as far as work and stableness goes.I saw Bobby Brady fireworks the first night we kissed. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE !!! WOW !!!! OH MY GOD, I SAID TO MYSELF.......I THINK I'M IN LOVE.I waited 15 years for this , but it was so worth it.We both had survived with no kids to that point(is that very good to say ?)and it was very easy for us to come together.I KNEW SHE WAS THE ONE !!! I JUST KNEW IT.I knew that she was having reservations about dating me,with my background and all.I mean ,after all,why would she want to go through the same hurt and pain that she is feeling right now again.It was only a matter of time before I would eventually cheat on her and she just did'nt want to go through it again. I understood her feeling's ,but I also understood mine. I WAS IN LOVE,AND I WAS GOING TO DO WHICHEVER AND WHATEVER IT TOOK TO MAKE HER MINE.I JUST KNEW I COULD MAKE HER HAPPY. Or, so I thought.
They say that women change when they get married.I truly believe that. Men change also,I just dont think so drasticly.She said she would'nt.I asked her if she would be able to fully trust me if we where to ever get married.(yes,I said the M word,which I would'nt even allow into my vocaulary before). She said yes,of course I will , I can feel the love you have for me and I have never felt anything like it.Then she would happen to talk to a friend ,say something to the fact that we where dating and of course the answer she always heard was......"WHAT,what are you thinking ? You know he is going to cheat on you.After what you have been through,why would you want to set yourself up for that",and so on.
Well ,I aksed her to marry me, the day after her divorce was final ,to try to put her trust in me.(being said that people would have probably bet their paycheck I would never get married). She had no idea. It came out of nowhere. It was awesome.
Well ,in time , pretty soon ,her insecurity started to evolve,which I had expected,of course.JUST NOT AS TO THE EXTREME THAT IT WAS.Her ex use to say he was going to Home Depot,and then go cheat on her,as she found out later.So,of course, any timeI left the house without her,I was cheating. I tried to deal with it the best I could,for a while,and I am not saying that it was the best way.(trial and error,remember?)but,I just felt everything I said and everything I did was totally under the microscope. Which was all right...I was not guilty of anything ,I had nothing to hide.But she wouldnt believe me.She would question my answers to anything and everyhting. I started to really feel the pressure from it all.But,it eventually started to make me mad.She was questioning my integrity.I stood in front of friends and family to show my love and to prove it to her,but in her eye's,all she saw was her ex-husband. I did'nt have to get married.It was'nt because she was pregnant,it was because I LOVED HER !!! ALLOT !!!I wanted to get married and make her the most happy and cared for women in the world.She would'nt believe me. This was told to her before.This has happened to her before. Now,this is a problem. I know it is.She knows it is. We have talked about it ,and she has admitted it,but,in the heat of an arguement,she will not admit it.She will not be wronged.NO WAY JOSE' !
For the first year ( we have been married 2 ),it was the insecurity's I was dealing with,but this second year has been the anger that is coming out.Explosion type anger. Mean,hateful,degradeing,hurtful,condenscending type behavior.Bad,real bad. When she talks to me she starts out with something in an accusing manner from the start.Then she will proceed to tell me what,how,why I did something. If I try to even just insert anything to the conversation,I am now defending myself,and of course, that makes me guilty. So now,I am being blamed for something that has little truth to it,and if I try to tell her what my opinion is of her "story",I am talked over ,screamed at,degraded like no other ,and told things like I have never heard before. She will then say that she does'nt know what she was thinking getting married to me,it was the stupidest thing that she has ever done,the biggest mistake,and that she wishes she would have just stayed with her ex-husband.
"He would have never made me feel like this" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
"I could always talk to him" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
"he respected me way more than you" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
"the only reason I'm here is,I have no place to go" [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
You got issues man. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
So ,lo and behold ,here we are. I have talked to her. She knows the way she gets upset and screams at me is not good for us.I will eventually leave to get away,in fact she will tell me to go,but then she will be raging upset when I come home.But at the time,she is not thinking about us,she is only thinking about herself. I am not allowed to even bring up the facts about her previous marriage now. NO way. She isnt bothered by that .She's fine...It's all me....
"I don't even want to hear that you think any of this stems from my previous marriage" she will say to me. Going back to my tennis shoe theory, can you hear the kid now ..."I don't even want to hear that you think I am wearing shoes because I can't walk barefoot on the sidewalk without stubbing my toe"......I dont know... There is so much that I could go on forever.But,of course there is two sides to any story. I am also not saying I am perfect. I just think she needs to deal with that before we move on and deal with us.Marriage is not only MARRYING the right person,but BEING the right partner.
So , before I end up with a book on this , I will stop and look for any suggestions and opinions to try to save our union.Thank you all. Jeff <p>..PEACE,LOVE....FLOWERS AND LILYPADS....2002<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: WHAT TODOAT32 ]<p>[ January 10, 2002: Message edited by: WHAT TODOAT32 ]</p>
